Hey everybody!

I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas! I know I did. It was a typical crazy Christmas in the Crocker household....

There was fighting (it just isn't a family gathering without this), lots of food preparation and eating, ER visit/scare, mexican train, overcooked steak, undercooked pie, my nose ring being ripped out and eaten by my moms dog, and the huge burn on my arm... but I must say my family has some of the best present givers around and it was a pretty amazing Christmas after all.

I love my family.

I want MORE!!!

It's so hard to describe how I feel right now. There are no words for the condition my heart is in. It aches not out of pain but out of desperation. I long for more.
I just want to touch His robe. As the song says, I want to lean back against him and breathe. I want to feel his heart beat.
My love for him is astounding. I am overwhelmed with this love for Him, so much that it hurts. My heart wants to explode. He is my life force, my passion, my one true love. No one and nothing can ever amount to Him.
But I know it's not enough, and I want more.
I want the passion I have in my heart for Him to guide my every way. I want my love for him to be evident in all I do and say. I want to him to be the reason I wake every morning. I want my passion for Him to guide my steps, leading me in his will and closer to him.
I want more of God. I want to feel him around me. I want to soak Him in. I want to love Him with everything I have. I want that love and passion to pour from me.

Yet... I find myself here. In this same spot every time. I have extreme highs and lows in my faith. And I'm tired of the struggling, tired of the wrestling with God for control. I want to let go. I want to dive in, give in, let him guide me. I want to know what it is to walk by faith. I just don't know how.
I get here and lose it. There is something in my way and I don't know what it is. It's a very real barrier and I feel it there. It's there when I think, there when I pray, there when I read, there when I worship... it's always there. I cry before him and it is there. I don't know what it is and I don't know how to break through.
It's painful because all I want is to be on the other side... to touch him... to live wholeheartedly for him. But I can't... there's a barrier in my way... It's holding me back and all I want is MORE of Him...

Excitement!

I just made some arrangements for my cross-cultural internship this summer and I finally picked a location: El Salvador! yay! I'm super excited...

I will probably leave the middle of May and get back in August or Sep sometime... I really can't wait. It's going to be amazing!

So.... you know if any of you wanna support me with dinero (also known as money or cash) or just by praying that would be amazing! :)

When I'm there I'll be helping in a school, doing street ministry, working along side missionaries, and just working with children.

I'm going to finally get to see if missions is really what I want to do with the rest of my life. I can't wait.

I LOVE JESUS! :)

Simple Church???

I must say I've had my doubts about this new trend called the "Simple Church"... it just seems like a new revised "Emerging Church". While I find the ideas great and think that they can be integrated into a church to create a more healthy church... I am just tired of the church following trend after trend... We want to promote health and growth in the church, yet instead of following Christ we follow trends...

When will we learn?

ugh...

I think this guy has a perspective that I agree with the most:
http://www.newswithviews.com/PaulProctor/proctor127.htm

He may be a little more harsh than I would be... but seriously I just can't stand all the programs, philosophies, strategies, and on and on that I have seen forced into the church over the years... being a pk I've seen a lot of stuff like this come and go and I just have to think what makes this strategy any different...

I'm up to hear other thoughts... maybe my view is skewed...

(P.S. it's not that I disagree with the morals and values promoted by the simple church... I am just tired of the church following the popular trend. Also, I know I do not know as much as I could about the Simple Church... I just strongly dislike the kalidescope of movements and re-definitions that the church has gone through over the past years)

You know what's crazy...

Time goes by faster every year...

I just registered for my last semester at Bethany...

It's insane... I feel like just yesterday I walked on the campus for the first time.

Graduation brings with it life's greatest question: WHAT THE CRAP AM I SUPPOSE TO DO NOW?

I have no idea... but I do know it's gonna be great...

I'm trusting God has it in His hands... we'll see where He takes me.

I'm just ready for a great adventure...

Speaking of which... Missy and I are planning to road trip it on the 26th... final destination: Vancouver, Canada... we want some maple syrup... it's gonna be great... and if Canada doesn't work out... It's all about Mexico... we just want a roadtrip really bad and we don't even care about money right now... we just wanna go... :)

Strike the water!

Those are the most amazing three words I've probably ever heard in my life.

As the final youth service on Thursday PK and Rachel wrote out sticky notes to each of us and then took turns explaining them... PK did mine and it simply said: "Strike the water!"

(yup... I framed it :))

Now most people were surprised PK did mine and not Rachel, as was I at first, but it meant so much to me that he did...


See PK and I have talked over the previous month or so about what I wanted to do with my life (which I have no clue), what my passion is (again, no clue), what I enjoy doing (no clue), and what God has called me to do (u guessed it... no clue).

But from my many conversations with him I have really grown spritually, been challenged in my faith and way of thinknig, and discovered some of the things I am good at and enjoy... I love to serve and do things for others, I love encouraging people, I love supporting people, I'm good at connecting with teenagers, I'm passionate about what I do, and I'm a unique leader for whatever reasons that may be...

My point is... over the past few months I've gaining confidence in who I am in Christ because of his encouragement and leadership in my life...

AND nothing could top those three words... Strike the water..

They hit me deep... PK knows, more than anyone, about all this passion I have in me, this love for God... it's all there... but I bundle it up... I'm scared of it... scared if I let it out I will fail... but he told me to strike the water... To stop being timid and scared...

I guess I need to just strike the water... cross over... let the passion and love for Christ out of me so God can do amazing things through me...

And it still scares me... but PK has given me so much confidence and those three words will stay with me forever... (especially since they are framed)

I'm still trying to figure it all out... but I know I'm heading in the right direction and one day... This passion for God inside of me will be the guiding force of my life... I just have to let it...

I can't believe it...

or well... I don't want to believe it...

PK and Rachel are gone.

I helped them finish packing, move out, and clean up the house today... it was sad watching that house empty out...

Then watching them drive away...

I cried uncontrollably.

This stinks.

My youth group is AMAZING!

This is the best youth group ever...

I seriously LOVE this youth group

Unhealthy???

So in order to get through all the finals, studying, papers, and projects I am working on today I have drank 2 cups of coffee and I am currently on my second energy drink of the night...

I think I'm going to have a heart attack or something...

funny thing is... I'm still tired and can't concentrate very well! AH!

I just need to get through this week!

(my procrastination skills are killing me right now!)

I HATE finals!

I really do hate finals week... but this week is hard for a number of other reasons...
the hardest is that Rachel and Kyle will be gone in 4 days and I can't take it. I don't know how to say goodbye. I know I'll stay in contact with them but it will never be the same... And I will miss their two little girls like crazy!

They have poured more into my life then anyone I've ever met and have helped me to build a solid foundation on Christ. I have learned sooo much from them and I couldn't ask for greater spiritual mentors.

PK has really helped me to fall in love with ministry and to see that I can be used. And Rachel... well she has just changed my life for the best... I could never thank her enough. She didn't just change my relationship with Christ, but every aspect of my life and who I am. She challenges me all the time to be a better person and to change the way I think and see things. They are two AMAZING people.

I just wish this season of my life where I have their support, encouragement, example, and them pouring into my life wasn't over... Working in their youth group these past years has been the greatest experience of my life.

So I must say Rachel is the cutest pregnant lady ever! I will miss her so much...

I just want to GO

Why does God give me this passion... this overwhelming passion... I want to go to the ends of the earth for Him... I want to work with children and youth... I want to change lives in His name...

When I think about people in the world, the hurting, the lost, the children, I cry and I just want to go be His hands and feet so bad it hurts...

but I can't... I'm here doing school... and what's next? Grad school?

I want to do the engage program (in Mexico) through Southwestern University soooo bad... but I just don't know if it's going to work out. I know God has everything in His hands I just don't understand why He gives me this passion and urgency when I can't use it in the here and now... I feel like I'm wasting it...

Sometimes I wonder if it's my fault... I wonder if because I rejected the calling He placed on my life and threw the passion I once had for missions to the side for different relationships in my life if He didn't take it back...

A great mentor of mine once told me God gives each of us gifts and callings to use, and if we don't use them He takes them back because they're not ours they're His. So did I mess this up by being young and stupid or is missions still what I'm called to do?

All I know is I want to serve, I want to get dirty, I want to encourage people, I want to love people, I want to make a difference, and more than anything I want to reflect God in ALL that I do...

I know He's calling me to something greater than where and what I am now... I just can't see it yet

Youth Convention

was pretty amazing and eventful...

It all started at Arby's in Fairfield... we thought we were making a quick 10 to 15 minute stop for food... but no one predicted my big blonde moment... So I haven't told anyone the real story (only Hailey bc she was in my car).

So about five minutes in to the drive I realized I forgot something important... deodorant... I hadn't put it on that day and well that's crucial for the pleasure of the noses around me. So the whole time I'm driving that's all I can think about. I was super conscious of it... so after a huge chunk of metal flies at my car from underneath Shamu we pull over to eat at Arby's... I'm super stoked because I can finally put deodorant on.

After everyone goes in and I order my food I go out to my car to put it on... just as I think I'm home free and no one is around PK walks out of Arby's... in an attempt to keep him from seeing me I jump up really quick (for some reason I think it's really embarassing for ppl to see me doing this.... esp guys). When I jump up the keys fall out of my pocket, on to my seat, and thus, I locked my keys in the car.

And the 10 min stop turned in to an hour because we had to wait for the tow truck... so we in return hit a bunch of traffic all because I forgot to put deodorant on... dang it! :)

The only eventful things after this was a man trying to break into the van with all the girls in it, Rachel freaking out and hitting a tree, lightsaber wars, Rachel bursting in to song in the middle of Starbucks, and our fire alarm going off at 1am... other than that... egh... uneventful wknd.

Recap pics:

Hailey and Justine were in my room... good times :)

Probably the best pic ever of Rachel...

Hailey and Jeremy Wick batteling it out... in my opinion Hailey rocked the lightsaber better but Jeremy may tell you otherwise... don't listen he has a big head