Everyday...

yup... that's right I've been posting like everyday. I'm such a lame-o. I don't even have anything interesting to say. But I will give a quick life update... 10 points of my life to be exact:

1. Still trying to look at all the positives in Rachel and PK leaving. I know it's so exciting for them and I'm excited for them too but I will miss them so much AND it is killing me to see how much these youth kids are hurting.

2. The semester is coming to an end which is good... but I have more homework to get done than I have time to do... it's serious (i could be working on that now i guess, but this is my break which is why i've been posting so much).

3. Life group has been really hard. We haven't really been able to have it for the past couple weeks and it just seems that it's not going as planned...

4. I'm freaking out about this American Institutions thing... I have to graduate on time... this one little 3 unit class can NOT keep me in college for another semester! heck no!

5. I might be moving back on campus next semester because i think it may be better for my stress level and happiness at this point in my life... and if I live on campus I'll most likely get to live with Elyssa who is one of the coolest ppl ever!

6. I'm having trouble understanding God. What else is new right? I just really really want to hear Him... but really my question is "How do you really know it's God?" In the past I've always said I know it's God because I just get a peace about it. I backed that up with some experiences and with Romans 9:1 "I speak the truth in Christ—I am not lying, my conscience confirms it in the Holy Spirit"... but really is that all there is because I have a peace about absolutely nothing lately...

7. I have no clue what to do with my life... Necesito un plan para mi vida... I will graduate with a BA in Intercultural Early Childhood Development... long title for I have no clue what the heck I want to do with my BA... I do know I want to do some kind of ministry and to work with children and/or youth... I've always thought that children were my passion but over this past year I've fallen in love with youth ministry... I just don't know what that means. HELP ME! :)

8. I'm ready to be happy, smile, and love life :)

9. I've spent way too much money on christmas presents for people over the past few weeks... but i luv it.

10. I want a new job so badly... i really really need one!

Well that's all for now... the 10 points of my life :) Hope you all are having a great week.

Photos from the past year...

So a friend and I were looking through the pictures of me I have actually saved on my computer from the past year and we noticed a few things: 1. I am strange 2. I stick my tongue out way too much in pics 3. I really don't take many normal pics 4. I've changed alot since last semester....

Here are a few we thought depicted me the best :)

I'm hoping that saying this was taken during finals week will help explain it!

My mom never told me I had to drink with my mouth and not my nose...

The classic

I love In-n-out... what can i say?

There really is no explination for this... it's just me and kimbo doin our thing...

the one and only snowman i've ever made... ha

I miss this shirt... who took it?

getting the hair dyed... ya know

another tongue pic... of course

This is what I did last jan as a first day of school outfit... aren't I cool?

We are savage!

Pretty much... I'm cool and I take weird pics... the one of me with the eye black is probably the most normal picture I have of myself. I am special.

But I do miss the crazy hair and make-up and my fun clothes... idk why I don't wear em anymore... i guess I'm growing up... so sad :)

Today...

was probably the hardest Sunday in my life... I've never dreaded going to church so much... and I've never dreaded hearing Kyle speak before...

Today just made PK and Rachel leaving more real. I love them, support them, and I'm super excited for them... but to be honest this sucks....
I don't want to lose my mentor and spiritual leader. Rachel is the only sister I've ever had and PK is the greatest pastor and spiritual leader I've ever had. 2 weeks just isn't enough time...

I just hope and pray the promises to stay in contact with each other stay true bc I can't imagine them not being apart of my life. Rachel is the person I always want to tell about everything exciting, new, hard, and crazy. PK is the one who baptized me and I want him to be the minister who marries me one day. I love them so much.

What I'm Thankful for...

-I'm thankful that I had a place to go this Thanksgiving (thank you Pastor Ed & Bobby)...

-that I have a wonderful home church here in Santa Cruz that is very welcoming

-for my family

-for my amazing friends

-for my pastors (Ed, Bobby, and Kyle)

-that I have someone to go shopping with tomorrow morning (thanks Elyssa)

-for cell phones and texting so I can stay in touch

-for God always being so good even when I don't realize it :)

-for my wonderful mentor who is always there to support me (Rachel H)

-stars

-waves

-the smell of Christmas

Things that I'm not thankful for:

-my family leaving me alone this thanksgiving and going to Arkansas without me

-American Institutions

-changes

-turkey, cranberry sauce, and gravy :)

-never ending homework

-the SF Giants

man...

The past few days have been crazy...

I thought I had a bad day Monday until yesterday happened.
Yesterday I found out that two of my favorite people in the world, my mentors, my teacher, my pastors, the only sister I've ever had, my role models, my leaders, and my most trusted friends are moving to Washington. It broke my heart to hear it. BUT I know it is the right thing for them and that it will be an amazing adventure. They are leaving their youth pastor position here in Santa Cruz to be the senior pastors at a small church in Washington. I know that God has amazing things for them there but it is soooo hard to say goodbye. I don't want them to go... or I at least want to go with them! Dang it! :)

Also, I found out that there is a slight chance I won't graduate next semester. I have this one class in my way... American Institutions. I have to go talk to the professor because I need to at least get a credit for this class but there have been a lot of complications and it's not offered next semester. I'm already going to graduate with the maximum amount of units pending (6) because I have to do a cross-cultural teaching internship for my major and I can't do that til the summer. Other than the internship I only have 9 units to take next semester so I hope this works out... I would hate to not graduate bc of one class... 3 units... ugh... I talk the the professor next week... pray that it goes well.

Other than all this, life is great! :) Maybe tomorrow will cheer me up.

The Bible...

Ok... so it's always a goal of mine to read the Bible everyday... but I never really do it... I mean I read a psalm everyday but that doesn't count to me.

I used to get frustrated with this fact because I thought that I wasn't a "good christian" if I didn't read my Bible... and while I know it's a good thing to read the Bible everyday and it really does help me throughout the day it's hard for me to just sit down and read... It's not enough.

When I read my Bible, I READ my Bible... I study it... I read a passage through like 15 times, read the references, read the same passage in the Message, read a study Bible, read a commentary, ect. I can't just read the Bible because I always have to know more... I'm never satisfied. I will get stuck on the same scripture for weeks because I want to know the meaning behind it. It kinda drives me nuts.

I mean... I really want to read my Bible and it is a goal every year to read through the entire Bible, but I just can't calm my brain down... my questions lead to more questions and I'm never completely satisfied. My 30 minute reading times turn into 3 hour reading times or 3 day reading times... it's ridiculous.

I know this doesn't seem like something to complain about and I'm not... I just want to know all the stories and people in the Bible so badly. Whenever I start reading I just want more...

My question this past week has been about the transfiguration of Jesus in Mark. I've read several different commentaries on it. But I want to know why Jesus did it. All I've found is that people in biblical times thought of Moses and Elijah as great prophets, and the transfiguration showed the people that Jesus was greater than both of these. Also, it was the first time that Jesus really showed himself as the Son of God. And of course it was a foreshadowing of His crucifixion. But was there something more to it? What was Jesus trying to show, reveal, or teach? What is the importance of this event?


(I have many more where this question came from...)

FINALLY!!!!

THE RAMS PULL OUT A WIN!

They beat the Saints 37-29 today and I can not even put my excitement into words... usually I would be pissed that they are only 1-8, but I am just satisfied knowing that they are not going to go the entire season without a win.

I know they pretty much suck this year... but I love em... they will always be my team... Plus, I have to keep my motto "It's always next year with the Rams"


I love Marc Bulger again... and maybe there is some hope of him being an alright QB after all...

Here's the story that made my day:

http://www.nfl.com/gamecenter/recap?game_id=29329&displayPage=tab_recap&season=2007&week=REG10

UGH

why is that every time I think I'm ok... I think I can move on... It just gets worse.

I miss having a best friend. I miss hanging out, random convos, watching heroes, watching other movies and shows and me always falling asleep before it's over... I miss being close.

Right when I think I'm fine and I can handle it, something reminds me I can't.

It almost makes me want to hate God for all of this... but I know that would only make it worse.

I just wish I didn't feel so alone. I'm tired of hurting. I just want my best friend back, but I can't.

Sorry this is so negative. I just can't sleep because this is all so heavy on my heart and in my mind.

I know God is right here with me, but I just don't understand what He is doing. I almost just want to crawl in a box and never come out.

I trusted God when He told me to trust people, to open up, share my life with others... but everytime I just get hurt. Friendships never last, people always leave, there is always pain, and nothing is ever as it seems.

I'm tired of having a broken heart. This has been the worst year of my life... I know I'm stronger, I know my faith has grown, but was it really worth all this heartache, all these mistakes, this embarassment and shame... isn't there another way God? Why must it hurt so bad?
There is only one person I want to call, and it is the only one I can't...

confession...

I'm obsessed with ducks (i know some of you know this)...

In fact, since I was about 4 years old I have dreamed about having a duck farm... and yes I still want one... well at least I want a pond with ducks in it, or just a couple ducks :)

When I was 5 I had a duck and I named it rubber because I thought it was cute... you know rubber ducky... my mom hated it and I can assume why now...

For now I stick to collecting rubber ducks, stuffed animal ducks, and other duck things...

But trust me, one day I will own a real duck... but here is my current favorite duck, because he is a Dodger fan it makes him the greatest duck ever...

Whats on my mind...

-Why did God create the world and man if He knew we were going to sin and He was going to have to send His only son to die to save us? (it just doesn't make sense)

-Can someone reach a point of no improvement in their life?

-Why do I want the things I don't/can't have and don't want the things I do/can have?

-Why is it that the Church is suppose to be Christ to the world, to love others, and to have unity, but it is the one place I have felt the most rejection, hatred, and loss of self-worth?

-Do dreams ever reveal your future or God's will or are they merely our subconscious speaking?

-Why do I always make mistakes that hurt me and other people?

-Why does God always seem so far away?

-Why are people so full of hate

-Why is it so hard to find a good job when your in college?

-Why do I want to be done with school so badly but I don't want the end of the year to come?

-What do you do after you graduate college?

-I don't want to live a life of comfort.

-How can I do anything for God when I can't do anything for myself?

-Did God create other worlds or beings?

-How did Isaiah forsee all that he wrote about?

-Why can't I have the kind of faith I read about in the Bible?

-Why is it so hard to understand my own desires, dreams, feelings, and passions?

-Why won't God give me a map and take away my free will if I don't want it because I obviously can't do anything good/right with it

-Why do questions only lead to more questions?

-How do you really know or experience God's love?

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Reasons for my stress:
-I don't know what I'm doing after I graduate
-I have too much to do and not enough time to do it
-I gave up something to get closer to God, but I feel like I was closer to God and pursuing Him more before I gave that something up
-Relationships
-Family stuff
-I can't handle my current job anymore- I need/want a new one but I can't find one
-I am behind on my homework and I can't seem to catch up
-God Stuff
-Finances
-I can't figure out what God has called me to, what I want to do, what I'm passionate about, or what I'm good at or what I enjoy doing