Just enough...

I feel like I'm getting back into the same old routine... the same old habits of doing just enough to get by.
I do my daily devotions, I pray all the time... but is that really what God wants? Yes, I have a passion and desire... it's strong and burns deep within me. I thirst after Him... yet, I do just enough to keep my connection with Him.

Am I really pressing in and going deeper or simply skimming the surface of where I need to be? I know there is so much more but I get comfortable where I am and forget to press forward. Comfort leads to content which leads to a stagnat spiritually life.

Committment and true devotion runs deeper than reading the Bible and praying. It's a way of life... living for Him.
I need to seek His face... not to lose too much ground...

don't let the flame burn out... right?

so...

So I lied about keeping this updated while I was in El Salvador and Nicaragua... yup that's right I went to Nicaragua too!

The internet was crazy slow there... when I was even able to get on it! But this summer was AMAZING! It's hard to even begin to describe everything I learned and all the experiences that I had. All I can say is that it was incredible!

I spent all of June in El Salvador and then I had the opportunity to go to Nicaragua so I took it and I spent all of July in Nica. I was there as a MAPS intern with King's Castle Ministries and it was incredible. I definately want to go back at some point... I mean that is where my heart it. That ministry is a ministry I could do for the rest of my life. Reaching children throughout the world with the message of Jesus Christ. It was normal for me to help witness to around 1,000 to 2,000 children each week and lead hundreds or thousands of those children to Christ. Also I was able to witness many healings and miracles... it was the greatest experience of my life... hands down!

Now time to pay off those loans so I can get back out on the field...

2 days...

I only have two days until I leave for El Salvador! Wohoo! My plane takes off at 1:30 AM on Sunday! yay! That is a red eye flight for sure!

I'm so excited but still a little nervous... I'm still short on my support money and time is running out! The past two days I've gotten a lot of money in the mail which I am super grateful for and I'm just praying that the rest comes in soon so I can de-stress a little before I take off.

Also, I just found out I may be spending some of my time helping the King's Castle in Nicaragua! So exciting! I seriously can't wait!

Obviously life has been crazy these past few weeks preparing for this trip... I've been working here and there, I got all four of my wisdom teeth pulled, moved all my stuff from my house in Santa Cruz to Modesto, and I've been scrambling to figure out my financial situation for this trip.

Well, I will try to keep this updated while I'm there... so look for pics and stuff!

My CrAzY Life

A few people have asked me why I haven't blogged in a while (aka like the only ppl who actually read this and care... maybe 4 of you... ha ha)
Anyways...
My life has been insane! There is so much going on right now and time is flying by... my time here in Santa Cruz is slowly slipping out of my hands and I am so sad.

I have like 4 days til graduation and it is bringing mixed feelings. I took my last final as an undergrad this morning and it was such a relief but as I was leaving Bethany I started crying because I realized that test was the ending of the four craziest, best, and worst years of my life... the years that have made me who I am today, that have grown me closer to God, challenged me in ways I never thought possible, and brought amazing people into my life. I have experienced my lowest lows and highest highs on the Bethany campus and it is hard and a little scary to imagine my life without it.

Graduation is on saturday... probably the last time I will see alot of my friends that I have known these past four years and that is hard. Also, I'm scared because I still can't really answer the "what are you doing after college" question.

Who knows...

SO... quick update... past month or so:
-still haven't gotten everything confirmed for El Salvador- been working hard to get it all together but it's really stressing me out... especially the finances

-Dad injured his back really badly, he is on workman's comp and can't really move much

-Parent's truck broke down, they are in a real tuff spot and it's killing me

-My best friend had her baby as well as a couple other people I know.

-Computer tweaked out and I lost all my final papers and I am having to re-do them

-Having a huge issue with some units at Bethany

-Have huge issues with $$$$$$

-Found my dress for graduation... finally! (if only I can find shoes too! :))


that's about it... boring, but really fast paced right now.

Outta the US

I'm ready to get out of the US! Ah! :) I get so anxious when I know I get to leave soon... I love being in other countries doing ministry... I LOVE IT! :)

Anyways...

just wanted to say that God is amazing and I have gotten around $1,000 or maybe a little more in the past two weeks. Now I can buy my plane ticket tomorrow...

which means....
I'm off to El Salvador on June 1! Wohoo!!!!

SOOOOO excited right now!

Light

I was talking with my friend I few days ago about how amazing it is that God reveals who He is in different ways to different people. Each person can be moved or touched in a completely different way than the person next to them. He knows what touches our hearts and speaks to the deepest parts of our beings.

I say all of this because recently I've been so moved and touched by the beauty around me, specifically light. Light is what makes shines on creation and makes it more beautiful to the eye... It reflects off water to create a sensation that is indescribable in words, it reveals the detail of a flower or a leaf, it makes the snow sparkle, or puts a glisten on some one's face.

Last weekend as we were leaving the young adult trip to Tahoe, I could see all the beautiful trees, mountains, and snow that surrounded us on our drive. On the way there I wasn't able to enjoy this view because it was extremely dark and we had been in the car for about ten hours thanks to traffic... anyways as I observed the scene that I had missed before I was amazed... from the light reflected off the lake to the snow glistening on the mountains, that place was beautiful. The light made it beautiful.

I sat outside to day just watching the evergreens and newly blossomed trees in the wind and my heart was filled with admiration for the creator of all this. And as cheesy as it sounds I began thinking about all of the passages in the Bible that compare us to light. Light brings out the beauty in the world, it makes creation glisten... so how much more are we called to do the same. We are the (metaphorical :)) light of the world... So shouldn't we bring out the beauty in God's creation... shine upon others and make them glisten... let God's light reflect on us so the world can see His beauty as we can see it in nature.

Just sitting outside made God's presence so much more real and allowed me to think of scriptures I've read my life in a different way. Just thought I would share...

God is amazing and his creation is beyond words to describe... He takes time to put every detail into every flower petal, every blade of grass.... he knows all the stars... and he knows me (better than I will ever know myself)... My savior is amazing and I am in awe.

Going to El Salvador

It's getting closer to the time I am supposed to leave, but I still haven't been able to purchase my ticket..

Money... I hate it. I haven't had enough money donated to purchase a ticket yet...

It's really hard trusting God will provide right now in the financial area... everything is lookin pretty thin...

I know God has provided every time in the past but this is the most important trip to me... Not only does it finally complete everything I've been working for these past 4 years, but I finally get to experience the missions field alone and for longer than a few weeks.


I'm just so nervous and stressed that this isn't going to work. The cost is going up by the day and no more money is coming in... I still need around $3,000.

I love...

random chats with good friends...

driving alone with the windows down and the heat turned up...

singing as loud as I can and dancing around...

cute new rubber ducks...

being taken care of by my mom when I'm sick...

doing absolutely nothing and not worrying about what needs to get done...

taking a nice walk...

laying in the grass stargazing...

good chinese food...

Just a few of the things I've enjoyed this spring break! Hope everyone had a great week! :)

El Salvador Update...

I'm getting nervous... It's getting close to purchasing and paying time and I'm short... In the past it's always been hard for me to raise money for missions trips because I don't really have family... I mean I do but they wouldn't even send me $1 for this thing...

so right now I have about $950 raised out of $3500... and I have no idea how to raise the rest of it. I'm just trusting God will provide, like he always does!

So can you all PLEASE keep me in your prayers that this will work out.

Not only am I super excited about this and want to do it more than anything, I NEED to do this to complete my degree... it's the last 6 units

Thanks to all of you who have been praying or who have supported me... it means alot! And extra thanks to the CLC leadership team for your support! You guys are AMAZING! :)

THE question

The question everyone feels it is necessary to ask... the question that drives me insane... the question that makes me want to scream...
So what are you doing after you graduate?

AHHHH!!! I hate that question.

It's frustrating and scary... My option right now is to move home and be a preschool teacher... but that's not what I want. It's the easy thing, the comfortable thing, the thing that guarantees money flow... but when I think about it, when I pray about it, when I talk about it... everything inside of me screams NNNOOOOOOO!!!!

That's not what I want... that's not where my heart is...

It is what I have lined up right now... I'm suppose to graduate in May, go to El Salvador to do my internship in June, come to Modesto and be a preschool teacher in August/September...

but I DON'T WANT TO!!!!

I want to do ministry.... I want to do missions... I want to stay in El Salvador and never come back...

I want to do youth ministries... I want to work with orphans... I want to go to other countries...

People ask what I feel God is calling me to do... and well honestly... right now I feel He is pulling me toward going to Southwestern University to get my masters in Intercultural Ministry. Which I totally would be stoked about doing BUT that would require more debt, more loans, more money that I don't have and can't do... I already have about $50,000 in debt from Bethany... how can I go to SAGU and get more in debt...

I just don't get it...

I just want to be out on the field doing missions work... I just wish God would show me the way and open the door...

Obedience...

Genesis has been challenging me lately...

Looking at the story of Noah... I mean usually we look at it and see the Ark, the rain, and the rainbow...
but there's so much more there.

People always overlook Noah's obedience. Noah spent years (over a 100 I do believe- correct me if I'm wrong) to build a huge box that could hold a bunch of animals to prevent mankind from being destroyed by a flood caused by rain and it had never even rained before... do you know what kind of faith that would take?

People had to think Noah was crazy... they probably mocked him... yet he listened to God.

I remember someone saying "Partial obedience is disobedience". That challenges me... How many times do I only partially follow what God has asked me to do... how many times do I partially obey God...

It's so easy to pick and choose what to listen to... to say ok God I'll do that, but I'll do it this way...

Can you imagine what would have happened if Noah partially obeyed God? If he would have decided to make a smaller arc or no arc at all? But he didn't he obeyed God completely...

Noah's story has really challenged me this past week.. if only more of us could have a heart like Noah...

My RanDoMneSS

As most of you know... I think too much... I mean I think about everything all the time... my brain never stops... and a lot of times I have very random thoughts... It's really bad but I have trouble paying attention to anything bc of this... and I'll be the first to admit, I'm a horrible listener because one thing someone says can make me think of a million other things and then I get distracted and space off into Jeni's world...

So what do I think about... here's some insight into some thoughts I've had recently...

- I wonder what we would do without windsheild wipers... do they really do much for you... (on the freeway with a friend in the car talking to me about the rain... so i turn them off for a few secs to see what would happen... not a good idea)

- Why do some nuts have nut in the name and not others, like peanut vs. almond... why don't we call them alnuts or almonuts or something (during convo with someone eating peanuts)

- Do other people constantly have a song playing in their head or is that just me (talking on the phone, getting distracted by play that funky music in my head)

- Why are people so crazy at sports events... it's insane... fights, screaming all over a game (watching the super bowl)

- Why does the poem talk about roses being red... not all roses are red... how are there different colored roses... (talking to friend walking past flowers)

- I want a duck farm... why are ducks yellow... I mean all the ducks I collect are usually yellow, but real ducks really aren't... I wonder why... (this morning in church- yea I know I'm horrible... someone said something I thought of ducks...)

- I wonder if I would have to dress diferently if I was a pastors wife... could I keep my nose ring... do all pastors wifes have to be capable of singing or playing the piano... I wonder if I'll ever sing or play the piano (seeing Rachel sitting next to Bobby ha ha)

- Did those windows really change the way the sanctuary looks... how do windows do that... is that just our perception of light or is the window bending the light differently or something... how does that work... I wish I would've payed more attention in science... hmmm... (Pastor Ed pointing out the new windows)

- I wonder why God made so many different trees, types of grass, and flowers... why are they green... I mean I know it has to do with it not absorbing that color... but why green... (staring at a tree outside my class...)

-Why do I always say "it's not even funny"... it obviously isn't funny, so why do I state it... (right after saying my head hurts so bad it's not even funny)

- Why do donuts have holes in them... was it merely for the invention of the donut hole or is there a real reason... I mean why couldn't they just be round, or square... why the hole... really why... (while Krispy Kreme was being handed out at church)

Ok... so I think thats enough insight into my strange mind for one post... ha ha

AMAZED...

I am amazed... truely in awe of my savior.

This past week has just been amazing...

God has really been working on me, my heart, and revealing a lot to me.

He has been re-confirming my call to missions and giving me a new confidence in that calling.

But most importantly, he is showing me the depth of his love and I am falling more in love with him everyday... I've never felt the way I'm feeling right now and it's exciting.

God truely is my everything.

I've been spending alot of time flat out on my face before God, reading His word and just pressing forward lately. And for the first time I'm resting in His word, His love, His promise... I'm trusting Him and having faith in Him...

I was tired of trying to be perfect on my own for Him, tired of trying and failing, of never feeling ok, of always feel inadequate...

and you know what... I don't anymore... I'm resting assured in His love and in His promise to never leave me and to continue His work in me. I am learning the only way to be made perfect is through God's grace and the cross (I've been reading alot of Ephesians and Philipians)...

I've really been focusing on just resting in Him and He is answering all these prayers I've prayed for so long... He is giving me peace and joy... He is healing my heart and speaking in to my life...

I'm losing my fears and getting ready to jump out into the world... I'm still a little scared but I'm a whole lot more confident! :)

It's funny how when you listen to God, He answers you...

This passion in me is finally coming out... the burden He has placed on my heart for the nations is stirring... My heart aches to reach out and show the world His love... Because I'm not scared anymore. I'm not holding on to those things from the past. I want to go... I want His glory to shine through my life and to take on His burdens...

I wish...

churches didn't cause so much pain...

I look at what churches have done to my parents and my family and I'm disgusted.

I know it's because churches are ran by people and people definately aren't perfect... but it's the church... the body of Christ.... the place that is suppose to show God's unconditional love to the world.

Christians are suppose to reflect God's love. To be rooted in His love, produce good fruit from that love, and seek to love all people as Christ does...

but no... the majority of my experiences with churches, christians, and christian leaders are just the opposite of love...

they cause pain... they cause anguish... the church is hurtful... christians are hurtful...
(I realize as a Christian I'm pointing a finger at myself... but it's true)

I've never seen so much immaturity and hurtfulness within a group that is supposed to be about loving the world.

It kills me...

I know one of my greatest gifts is encouragement and support, and I love doing both... I love encouraging people, I love supporting people... but why do I want to encourage and support something that breaks my heart...

I know God has called me to ministry... but I don't want to be what I have experienced... I want to love and encourage people not break them down...
and I...
I am broken...

I'm a proud auntie!!!

I'm an aunt therefore I have the right to brag... I think my niece and nephews are the cutest ever... So here is the first born:

This is miss McKayla... she is 4 and she has my heart... I love this girl. This is her face after she opened the present I got her for Christmas... isn't she adorable?

This is the newest addition to the family... just born on Jan 14...

His name is Josiah Crocker... isn't he so cute? I wish I could've been there when he was born!!! dang it!

This is the brother and the sister together... so adorable! I just love them so much!

Finally... my little punk nephew, Silas... he is 18 months and as cute as can be...

see what I mean? I snapped this pic on Christmas... he was playing peek-a-boo with me!

Here he is again...

...the cutest little boy ever!

I love being an aunt... it's probably my favorite thing ever... and the best thing is... I have one more on the way! Wohoo!

I can't decide...

If I should take this job I got at Starbucks or stay at my nanny position...

Ok so if I go to Starbucks (at Safeway) I'll get at least 24 hours a week and I'll make $8.50 an hour.
Also, after a few months working there (even at part time) I'll get benefits such as medical... (right now I have my dads but once I graduate I'm on my own...)

If I stay at the nanny job I get between 12 and 30 hours a week at $12 an hour... it's under the table so there are no taxes...

I really want to take the Starbucks job but I'm scared I won't make enough money to pay all my bills and live on... I have to make at least 600 a month... thats a min. amount just to pay bills and stuff... so yeah...

But those kids i nanny for are driving me insane... i don't know how much longer i can handle them...

what do you think i should do?

El Salvador!

So I just I just printed out all 100 copies of my lovely support letter... every year I add a photo at the beginning of the letter which is very me and has to do with the trip I'm going on... so this year this is my photo... me pointing to El Salvador on the huge map I have hanging on my wall... It's pretty much amazing... I'm not gonna lie I am super nervous about this trip because I only have four months to finish planning it out, raise the money, get my butt across the stage and to El Salvador... ah! But it always works out... it just scares me the whole way until I land outside of the US.

Thursday

Was my last first day of school as an undergrad at Bethany... so weird. Its funny because I only have 9 units I have to take this semester... I mean there are only three blank spots left on my transcript.

I remember being overwhelmed as a freshman and thinking I could never fill all those blanks in four years...

now here I am wondering where the heck all that time went...

Resolutions...

It's that time of year... ya know all the goals for the next year are being planned out... so inspired by a friend I thought I'd re-visit last years goals.

1. Spend time with God everyday
Ok... so I spent more time with God than normal but I can't say that I did it on a daily basis...

2. Figure out what I want to do when I graduate
HA HA HA HA... here I am four month prior to graduating and I still haven't figured this one out! oh man!

3. Go bungee jumping off a bridge
I was supposed to do this for my b-day but it didn't work out... this is my resolution again! dang it! :)

4. Dedicate more time working out for softball so I will be more on top of my game as a senior
Another funny one... see I did start working out more til I completely blew my arm out... I had surgery in the summer and now I can't really play anymore... sad...

5. Read through the whole OT
I started to do this but I only got through Judges and then I stopped... I should pick this back up... the OT is quite interesting...

6. Get to know people at church better
I think I accomplished this... too bad two of the people from church that I loved the most had to pack up and leave... oh well new year, new people...

7. Get more involved at church
I think I accomplished this as well... Youth group... life groups... ya know...

8. Go to Bolivia in May
This definately did not happen... but it was suppose to... there were just too many political issues so I couldn't go... sad

9. Get a mentor and be a mentor
I did this as well! I was being mentored by this pretty awesome person (Rachel Hopkins) but she moved away... so sad... and I meet up with a girl from the youth group once a week... it's pretty awesome

10. Stick to Weight Watchers and lose more weight
Did this for the majority of the year and I did lose more weight... however, when I stopped in like Oct it all came back rather quickly... I think it's time to pick it up again... hmmmm... shall I start the two weeks of death? I think I'm gonna start this next week...


So I guess I didn't do too bad... For this year
1. Finish reading the OT
2. Find a mentor, be a mentor (i like this one alot)
3. Start working out again
4. Weight Watchers
5. Go bungee jumping
6. Graduate! Wohoo! And figure out wht to do with my life after I graduate
7. Do my internship in El Salvador! (so excited about this one)
8. Stay involved with youth ministries (I'm actually thinking that i would love being a youth pastor one day... something I'm praying about)
9. Pray outloud more often- sieze every opporitunity I have to pray for or with someone
10. Pay off my credit card bills


Anyone have any suggestions or resolutions of their own? :)

I am Israel

I was reading through Acts and Jeremiah and I started getting frustrated with Israel. I mean why were they so dumb? Why didn’t they learn? They would love and serve God, then rebel and disobey him, He would punish them, they would suffer a while, then they repent, and God saves them, then they love Him and worship Him again… then the cycle repeats itself over and over and over again… it’s ridiculous.
So as I was reading I got frustrated and just closed the Bible and started to pray. In my head I was thinking why can’t these people just learn from their past and dedicate their lives to God and continually serve him. I was so annoyed.
Then I felt convicted. Who am I to judge Israel? I’m just like them. I do the same thing… make the same mistakes over and over again… I never learn. Why can’t I just learn from my past… learn from the Israelites… just serve Him and trust Him. Why do I turn from the only one who is faithful to me and loves me unconditionally.
But I don’t. I ignore who God really is. I am a wretched human being. I am nothing. I continually fail Him. And yet God still loves me… why? It’s crazy.
How can I ever serve Him and love Him the way He deserves to be. I mean I am just like Israel…

For Bobby :)

Since Bobby always posts about the fun things/people he sees on pac ave, I thought I would too. I was walking down Pac Ave with a friend when we saw this man... He was covered from head to toe in orange, walking down the street singing different songs... When we passed him I thought I have to take a picture and send it to Bobby... but ya know since he's a lameo and doesn't text at all... I thought I'd post it.

Next thing just for Bobby:

Shuffled iPod: Bobby had a post about the first 5 songs that came up on his iPod when he put it on shuffle so I thought I'd do it to... I mean it's kinda fun :)

So here goes:

1-"Message in a Bottle" -John Mayer

2- "Imaginary" -Evanescence

3- "Symbol in my driveway" -Jack Johnson

4- "Just to See You Smile" -Tim McGraw

5- "Sea of Faces" -Kutless

So there... not bad songs... suprised none of my Relient K or Dean Martin came up... I have a ton of their stuff :)

Hope you read this Bobby.... i mean it is for you :)

You know your house is cold when...

1. You can see your breath
2. Your shower gel is so icy you have to run it under warm water in order to squeeze it out
3. The inside of your refrigerator feels warm
4. You sleep in thermals, pj pants, and sweats and your still cold
5. You have to use at least four blankets at night
6. You dump ice into your sink before you go to bed and it's still there in the morning
7. You have to wear gloves and a beanie to bed
8. The thermometer in your house is below 50
9. You take a shower just to get warm
10. You take every opportunity you have to bake something just to feel the warmth of the stove

yup... my house has all these signs and more... curse my heater being broken and not being able to reach the people who were suppose to fix it a few weeks ago... curse my wood getting wet because the tarp somehow got ripped... ugh...

I'm frozen and I can't take much more! ah!

Scotts Valley Property Management stinks...