AMAZED...

I am amazed... truely in awe of my savior.

This past week has just been amazing...

God has really been working on me, my heart, and revealing a lot to me.

He has been re-confirming my call to missions and giving me a new confidence in that calling.

But most importantly, he is showing me the depth of his love and I am falling more in love with him everyday... I've never felt the way I'm feeling right now and it's exciting.

God truely is my everything.

I've been spending alot of time flat out on my face before God, reading His word and just pressing forward lately. And for the first time I'm resting in His word, His love, His promise... I'm trusting Him and having faith in Him...

I was tired of trying to be perfect on my own for Him, tired of trying and failing, of never feeling ok, of always feel inadequate...

and you know what... I don't anymore... I'm resting assured in His love and in His promise to never leave me and to continue His work in me. I am learning the only way to be made perfect is through God's grace and the cross (I've been reading alot of Ephesians and Philipians)...

I've really been focusing on just resting in Him and He is answering all these prayers I've prayed for so long... He is giving me peace and joy... He is healing my heart and speaking in to my life...

I'm losing my fears and getting ready to jump out into the world... I'm still a little scared but I'm a whole lot more confident! :)

It's funny how when you listen to God, He answers you...

This passion in me is finally coming out... the burden He has placed on my heart for the nations is stirring... My heart aches to reach out and show the world His love... Because I'm not scared anymore. I'm not holding on to those things from the past. I want to go... I want His glory to shine through my life and to take on His burdens...

I wish...

churches didn't cause so much pain...

I look at what churches have done to my parents and my family and I'm disgusted.

I know it's because churches are ran by people and people definately aren't perfect... but it's the church... the body of Christ.... the place that is suppose to show God's unconditional love to the world.

Christians are suppose to reflect God's love. To be rooted in His love, produce good fruit from that love, and seek to love all people as Christ does...

but no... the majority of my experiences with churches, christians, and christian leaders are just the opposite of love...

they cause pain... they cause anguish... the church is hurtful... christians are hurtful...
(I realize as a Christian I'm pointing a finger at myself... but it's true)

I've never seen so much immaturity and hurtfulness within a group that is supposed to be about loving the world.

It kills me...

I know one of my greatest gifts is encouragement and support, and I love doing both... I love encouraging people, I love supporting people... but why do I want to encourage and support something that breaks my heart...

I know God has called me to ministry... but I don't want to be what I have experienced... I want to love and encourage people not break them down...
and I...
I am broken...

I'm a proud auntie!!!

I'm an aunt therefore I have the right to brag... I think my niece and nephews are the cutest ever... So here is the first born:

This is miss McKayla... she is 4 and she has my heart... I love this girl. This is her face after she opened the present I got her for Christmas... isn't she adorable?

This is the newest addition to the family... just born on Jan 14...

His name is Josiah Crocker... isn't he so cute? I wish I could've been there when he was born!!! dang it!

This is the brother and the sister together... so adorable! I just love them so much!

Finally... my little punk nephew, Silas... he is 18 months and as cute as can be...

see what I mean? I snapped this pic on Christmas... he was playing peek-a-boo with me!

Here he is again...

...the cutest little boy ever!

I love being an aunt... it's probably my favorite thing ever... and the best thing is... I have one more on the way! Wohoo!

I can't decide...

If I should take this job I got at Starbucks or stay at my nanny position...

Ok so if I go to Starbucks (at Safeway) I'll get at least 24 hours a week and I'll make $8.50 an hour.
Also, after a few months working there (even at part time) I'll get benefits such as medical... (right now I have my dads but once I graduate I'm on my own...)

If I stay at the nanny job I get between 12 and 30 hours a week at $12 an hour... it's under the table so there are no taxes...

I really want to take the Starbucks job but I'm scared I won't make enough money to pay all my bills and live on... I have to make at least 600 a month... thats a min. amount just to pay bills and stuff... so yeah...

But those kids i nanny for are driving me insane... i don't know how much longer i can handle them...

what do you think i should do?

El Salvador!

So I just I just printed out all 100 copies of my lovely support letter... every year I add a photo at the beginning of the letter which is very me and has to do with the trip I'm going on... so this year this is my photo... me pointing to El Salvador on the huge map I have hanging on my wall... It's pretty much amazing... I'm not gonna lie I am super nervous about this trip because I only have four months to finish planning it out, raise the money, get my butt across the stage and to El Salvador... ah! But it always works out... it just scares me the whole way until I land outside of the US.

Thursday

Was my last first day of school as an undergrad at Bethany... so weird. Its funny because I only have 9 units I have to take this semester... I mean there are only three blank spots left on my transcript.

I remember being overwhelmed as a freshman and thinking I could never fill all those blanks in four years...

now here I am wondering where the heck all that time went...

Resolutions...

It's that time of year... ya know all the goals for the next year are being planned out... so inspired by a friend I thought I'd re-visit last years goals.

1. Spend time with God everyday
Ok... so I spent more time with God than normal but I can't say that I did it on a daily basis...

2. Figure out what I want to do when I graduate
HA HA HA HA... here I am four month prior to graduating and I still haven't figured this one out! oh man!

3. Go bungee jumping off a bridge
I was supposed to do this for my b-day but it didn't work out... this is my resolution again! dang it! :)

4. Dedicate more time working out for softball so I will be more on top of my game as a senior
Another funny one... see I did start working out more til I completely blew my arm out... I had surgery in the summer and now I can't really play anymore... sad...

5. Read through the whole OT
I started to do this but I only got through Judges and then I stopped... I should pick this back up... the OT is quite interesting...

6. Get to know people at church better
I think I accomplished this... too bad two of the people from church that I loved the most had to pack up and leave... oh well new year, new people...

7. Get more involved at church
I think I accomplished this as well... Youth group... life groups... ya know...

8. Go to Bolivia in May
This definately did not happen... but it was suppose to... there were just too many political issues so I couldn't go... sad

9. Get a mentor and be a mentor
I did this as well! I was being mentored by this pretty awesome person (Rachel Hopkins) but she moved away... so sad... and I meet up with a girl from the youth group once a week... it's pretty awesome

10. Stick to Weight Watchers and lose more weight
Did this for the majority of the year and I did lose more weight... however, when I stopped in like Oct it all came back rather quickly... I think it's time to pick it up again... hmmmm... shall I start the two weeks of death? I think I'm gonna start this next week...


So I guess I didn't do too bad... For this year
1. Finish reading the OT
2. Find a mentor, be a mentor (i like this one alot)
3. Start working out again
4. Weight Watchers
5. Go bungee jumping
6. Graduate! Wohoo! And figure out wht to do with my life after I graduate
7. Do my internship in El Salvador! (so excited about this one)
8. Stay involved with youth ministries (I'm actually thinking that i would love being a youth pastor one day... something I'm praying about)
9. Pray outloud more often- sieze every opporitunity I have to pray for or with someone
10. Pay off my credit card bills


Anyone have any suggestions or resolutions of their own? :)

I am Israel

I was reading through Acts and Jeremiah and I started getting frustrated with Israel. I mean why were they so dumb? Why didn’t they learn? They would love and serve God, then rebel and disobey him, He would punish them, they would suffer a while, then they repent, and God saves them, then they love Him and worship Him again… then the cycle repeats itself over and over and over again… it’s ridiculous.
So as I was reading I got frustrated and just closed the Bible and started to pray. In my head I was thinking why can’t these people just learn from their past and dedicate their lives to God and continually serve him. I was so annoyed.
Then I felt convicted. Who am I to judge Israel? I’m just like them. I do the same thing… make the same mistakes over and over again… I never learn. Why can’t I just learn from my past… learn from the Israelites… just serve Him and trust Him. Why do I turn from the only one who is faithful to me and loves me unconditionally.
But I don’t. I ignore who God really is. I am a wretched human being. I am nothing. I continually fail Him. And yet God still loves me… why? It’s crazy.
How can I ever serve Him and love Him the way He deserves to be. I mean I am just like Israel…

For Bobby :)

Since Bobby always posts about the fun things/people he sees on pac ave, I thought I would too. I was walking down Pac Ave with a friend when we saw this man... He was covered from head to toe in orange, walking down the street singing different songs... When we passed him I thought I have to take a picture and send it to Bobby... but ya know since he's a lameo and doesn't text at all... I thought I'd post it.

Next thing just for Bobby:

Shuffled iPod: Bobby had a post about the first 5 songs that came up on his iPod when he put it on shuffle so I thought I'd do it to... I mean it's kinda fun :)

So here goes:

1-"Message in a Bottle" -John Mayer

2- "Imaginary" -Evanescence

3- "Symbol in my driveway" -Jack Johnson

4- "Just to See You Smile" -Tim McGraw

5- "Sea of Faces" -Kutless

So there... not bad songs... suprised none of my Relient K or Dean Martin came up... I have a ton of their stuff :)

Hope you read this Bobby.... i mean it is for you :)

You know your house is cold when...

1. You can see your breath
2. Your shower gel is so icy you have to run it under warm water in order to squeeze it out
3. The inside of your refrigerator feels warm
4. You sleep in thermals, pj pants, and sweats and your still cold
5. You have to use at least four blankets at night
6. You dump ice into your sink before you go to bed and it's still there in the morning
7. You have to wear gloves and a beanie to bed
8. The thermometer in your house is below 50
9. You take a shower just to get warm
10. You take every opportunity you have to bake something just to feel the warmth of the stove

yup... my house has all these signs and more... curse my heater being broken and not being able to reach the people who were suppose to fix it a few weeks ago... curse my wood getting wet because the tarp somehow got ripped... ugh...

I'm frozen and I can't take much more! ah!

Scotts Valley Property Management stinks...