Hey everybody!

I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas! I know I did. It was a typical crazy Christmas in the Crocker household....

There was fighting (it just isn't a family gathering without this), lots of food preparation and eating, ER visit/scare, mexican train, overcooked steak, undercooked pie, my nose ring being ripped out and eaten by my moms dog, and the huge burn on my arm... but I must say my family has some of the best present givers around and it was a pretty amazing Christmas after all.

I love my family.

I want MORE!!!

It's so hard to describe how I feel right now. There are no words for the condition my heart is in. It aches not out of pain but out of desperation. I long for more.
I just want to touch His robe. As the song says, I want to lean back against him and breathe. I want to feel his heart beat.
My love for him is astounding. I am overwhelmed with this love for Him, so much that it hurts. My heart wants to explode. He is my life force, my passion, my one true love. No one and nothing can ever amount to Him.
But I know it's not enough, and I want more.
I want the passion I have in my heart for Him to guide my every way. I want my love for him to be evident in all I do and say. I want to him to be the reason I wake every morning. I want my passion for Him to guide my steps, leading me in his will and closer to him.
I want more of God. I want to feel him around me. I want to soak Him in. I want to love Him with everything I have. I want that love and passion to pour from me.

Yet... I find myself here. In this same spot every time. I have extreme highs and lows in my faith. And I'm tired of the struggling, tired of the wrestling with God for control. I want to let go. I want to dive in, give in, let him guide me. I want to know what it is to walk by faith. I just don't know how.
I get here and lose it. There is something in my way and I don't know what it is. It's a very real barrier and I feel it there. It's there when I think, there when I pray, there when I read, there when I worship... it's always there. I cry before him and it is there. I don't know what it is and I don't know how to break through.
It's painful because all I want is to be on the other side... to touch him... to live wholeheartedly for him. But I can't... there's a barrier in my way... It's holding me back and all I want is MORE of Him...

Excitement!

I just made some arrangements for my cross-cultural internship this summer and I finally picked a location: El Salvador! yay! I'm super excited...

I will probably leave the middle of May and get back in August or Sep sometime... I really can't wait. It's going to be amazing!

So.... you know if any of you wanna support me with dinero (also known as money or cash) or just by praying that would be amazing! :)

When I'm there I'll be helping in a school, doing street ministry, working along side missionaries, and just working with children.

I'm going to finally get to see if missions is really what I want to do with the rest of my life. I can't wait.

I LOVE JESUS! :)

Simple Church???

I must say I've had my doubts about this new trend called the "Simple Church"... it just seems like a new revised "Emerging Church". While I find the ideas great and think that they can be integrated into a church to create a more healthy church... I am just tired of the church following trend after trend... We want to promote health and growth in the church, yet instead of following Christ we follow trends...

When will we learn?

ugh...

I think this guy has a perspective that I agree with the most:
http://www.newswithviews.com/PaulProctor/proctor127.htm

He may be a little more harsh than I would be... but seriously I just can't stand all the programs, philosophies, strategies, and on and on that I have seen forced into the church over the years... being a pk I've seen a lot of stuff like this come and go and I just have to think what makes this strategy any different...

I'm up to hear other thoughts... maybe my view is skewed...

(P.S. it's not that I disagree with the morals and values promoted by the simple church... I am just tired of the church following the popular trend. Also, I know I do not know as much as I could about the Simple Church... I just strongly dislike the kalidescope of movements and re-definitions that the church has gone through over the past years)

You know what's crazy...

Time goes by faster every year...

I just registered for my last semester at Bethany...

It's insane... I feel like just yesterday I walked on the campus for the first time.

Graduation brings with it life's greatest question: WHAT THE CRAP AM I SUPPOSE TO DO NOW?

I have no idea... but I do know it's gonna be great...

I'm trusting God has it in His hands... we'll see where He takes me.

I'm just ready for a great adventure...

Speaking of which... Missy and I are planning to road trip it on the 26th... final destination: Vancouver, Canada... we want some maple syrup... it's gonna be great... and if Canada doesn't work out... It's all about Mexico... we just want a roadtrip really bad and we don't even care about money right now... we just wanna go... :)

Strike the water!

Those are the most amazing three words I've probably ever heard in my life.

As the final youth service on Thursday PK and Rachel wrote out sticky notes to each of us and then took turns explaining them... PK did mine and it simply said: "Strike the water!"

(yup... I framed it :))

Now most people were surprised PK did mine and not Rachel, as was I at first, but it meant so much to me that he did...


See PK and I have talked over the previous month or so about what I wanted to do with my life (which I have no clue), what my passion is (again, no clue), what I enjoy doing (no clue), and what God has called me to do (u guessed it... no clue).

But from my many conversations with him I have really grown spritually, been challenged in my faith and way of thinknig, and discovered some of the things I am good at and enjoy... I love to serve and do things for others, I love encouraging people, I love supporting people, I'm good at connecting with teenagers, I'm passionate about what I do, and I'm a unique leader for whatever reasons that may be...

My point is... over the past few months I've gaining confidence in who I am in Christ because of his encouragement and leadership in my life...

AND nothing could top those three words... Strike the water..

They hit me deep... PK knows, more than anyone, about all this passion I have in me, this love for God... it's all there... but I bundle it up... I'm scared of it... scared if I let it out I will fail... but he told me to strike the water... To stop being timid and scared...

I guess I need to just strike the water... cross over... let the passion and love for Christ out of me so God can do amazing things through me...

And it still scares me... but PK has given me so much confidence and those three words will stay with me forever... (especially since they are framed)

I'm still trying to figure it all out... but I know I'm heading in the right direction and one day... This passion for God inside of me will be the guiding force of my life... I just have to let it...

I can't believe it...

or well... I don't want to believe it...

PK and Rachel are gone.

I helped them finish packing, move out, and clean up the house today... it was sad watching that house empty out...

Then watching them drive away...

I cried uncontrollably.

This stinks.

My youth group is AMAZING!

This is the best youth group ever...

I seriously LOVE this youth group

Unhealthy???

So in order to get through all the finals, studying, papers, and projects I am working on today I have drank 2 cups of coffee and I am currently on my second energy drink of the night...

I think I'm going to have a heart attack or something...

funny thing is... I'm still tired and can't concentrate very well! AH!

I just need to get through this week!

(my procrastination skills are killing me right now!)

I HATE finals!

I really do hate finals week... but this week is hard for a number of other reasons...
the hardest is that Rachel and Kyle will be gone in 4 days and I can't take it. I don't know how to say goodbye. I know I'll stay in contact with them but it will never be the same... And I will miss their two little girls like crazy!

They have poured more into my life then anyone I've ever met and have helped me to build a solid foundation on Christ. I have learned sooo much from them and I couldn't ask for greater spiritual mentors.

PK has really helped me to fall in love with ministry and to see that I can be used. And Rachel... well she has just changed my life for the best... I could never thank her enough. She didn't just change my relationship with Christ, but every aspect of my life and who I am. She challenges me all the time to be a better person and to change the way I think and see things. They are two AMAZING people.

I just wish this season of my life where I have their support, encouragement, example, and them pouring into my life wasn't over... Working in their youth group these past years has been the greatest experience of my life.

So I must say Rachel is the cutest pregnant lady ever! I will miss her so much...

I just want to GO

Why does God give me this passion... this overwhelming passion... I want to go to the ends of the earth for Him... I want to work with children and youth... I want to change lives in His name...

When I think about people in the world, the hurting, the lost, the children, I cry and I just want to go be His hands and feet so bad it hurts...

but I can't... I'm here doing school... and what's next? Grad school?

I want to do the engage program (in Mexico) through Southwestern University soooo bad... but I just don't know if it's going to work out. I know God has everything in His hands I just don't understand why He gives me this passion and urgency when I can't use it in the here and now... I feel like I'm wasting it...

Sometimes I wonder if it's my fault... I wonder if because I rejected the calling He placed on my life and threw the passion I once had for missions to the side for different relationships in my life if He didn't take it back...

A great mentor of mine once told me God gives each of us gifts and callings to use, and if we don't use them He takes them back because they're not ours they're His. So did I mess this up by being young and stupid or is missions still what I'm called to do?

All I know is I want to serve, I want to get dirty, I want to encourage people, I want to love people, I want to make a difference, and more than anything I want to reflect God in ALL that I do...

I know He's calling me to something greater than where and what I am now... I just can't see it yet

Youth Convention

was pretty amazing and eventful...

It all started at Arby's in Fairfield... we thought we were making a quick 10 to 15 minute stop for food... but no one predicted my big blonde moment... So I haven't told anyone the real story (only Hailey bc she was in my car).

So about five minutes in to the drive I realized I forgot something important... deodorant... I hadn't put it on that day and well that's crucial for the pleasure of the noses around me. So the whole time I'm driving that's all I can think about. I was super conscious of it... so after a huge chunk of metal flies at my car from underneath Shamu we pull over to eat at Arby's... I'm super stoked because I can finally put deodorant on.

After everyone goes in and I order my food I go out to my car to put it on... just as I think I'm home free and no one is around PK walks out of Arby's... in an attempt to keep him from seeing me I jump up really quick (for some reason I think it's really embarassing for ppl to see me doing this.... esp guys). When I jump up the keys fall out of my pocket, on to my seat, and thus, I locked my keys in the car.

And the 10 min stop turned in to an hour because we had to wait for the tow truck... so we in return hit a bunch of traffic all because I forgot to put deodorant on... dang it! :)

The only eventful things after this was a man trying to break into the van with all the girls in it, Rachel freaking out and hitting a tree, lightsaber wars, Rachel bursting in to song in the middle of Starbucks, and our fire alarm going off at 1am... other than that... egh... uneventful wknd.

Recap pics:

Hailey and Justine were in my room... good times :)

Probably the best pic ever of Rachel...

Hailey and Jeremy Wick batteling it out... in my opinion Hailey rocked the lightsaber better but Jeremy may tell you otherwise... don't listen he has a big head

Everyday...

yup... that's right I've been posting like everyday. I'm such a lame-o. I don't even have anything interesting to say. But I will give a quick life update... 10 points of my life to be exact:

1. Still trying to look at all the positives in Rachel and PK leaving. I know it's so exciting for them and I'm excited for them too but I will miss them so much AND it is killing me to see how much these youth kids are hurting.

2. The semester is coming to an end which is good... but I have more homework to get done than I have time to do... it's serious (i could be working on that now i guess, but this is my break which is why i've been posting so much).

3. Life group has been really hard. We haven't really been able to have it for the past couple weeks and it just seems that it's not going as planned...

4. I'm freaking out about this American Institutions thing... I have to graduate on time... this one little 3 unit class can NOT keep me in college for another semester! heck no!

5. I might be moving back on campus next semester because i think it may be better for my stress level and happiness at this point in my life... and if I live on campus I'll most likely get to live with Elyssa who is one of the coolest ppl ever!

6. I'm having trouble understanding God. What else is new right? I just really really want to hear Him... but really my question is "How do you really know it's God?" In the past I've always said I know it's God because I just get a peace about it. I backed that up with some experiences and with Romans 9:1 "I speak the truth in Christ—I am not lying, my conscience confirms it in the Holy Spirit"... but really is that all there is because I have a peace about absolutely nothing lately...

7. I have no clue what to do with my life... Necesito un plan para mi vida... I will graduate with a BA in Intercultural Early Childhood Development... long title for I have no clue what the heck I want to do with my BA... I do know I want to do some kind of ministry and to work with children and/or youth... I've always thought that children were my passion but over this past year I've fallen in love with youth ministry... I just don't know what that means. HELP ME! :)

8. I'm ready to be happy, smile, and love life :)

9. I've spent way too much money on christmas presents for people over the past few weeks... but i luv it.

10. I want a new job so badly... i really really need one!

Well that's all for now... the 10 points of my life :) Hope you all are having a great week.

Photos from the past year...

So a friend and I were looking through the pictures of me I have actually saved on my computer from the past year and we noticed a few things: 1. I am strange 2. I stick my tongue out way too much in pics 3. I really don't take many normal pics 4. I've changed alot since last semester....

Here are a few we thought depicted me the best :)

I'm hoping that saying this was taken during finals week will help explain it!

My mom never told me I had to drink with my mouth and not my nose...

The classic

I love In-n-out... what can i say?

There really is no explination for this... it's just me and kimbo doin our thing...

the one and only snowman i've ever made... ha

I miss this shirt... who took it?

getting the hair dyed... ya know

another tongue pic... of course

This is what I did last jan as a first day of school outfit... aren't I cool?

We are savage!

Pretty much... I'm cool and I take weird pics... the one of me with the eye black is probably the most normal picture I have of myself. I am special.

But I do miss the crazy hair and make-up and my fun clothes... idk why I don't wear em anymore... i guess I'm growing up... so sad :)

Today...

was probably the hardest Sunday in my life... I've never dreaded going to church so much... and I've never dreaded hearing Kyle speak before...

Today just made PK and Rachel leaving more real. I love them, support them, and I'm super excited for them... but to be honest this sucks....
I don't want to lose my mentor and spiritual leader. Rachel is the only sister I've ever had and PK is the greatest pastor and spiritual leader I've ever had. 2 weeks just isn't enough time...

I just hope and pray the promises to stay in contact with each other stay true bc I can't imagine them not being apart of my life. Rachel is the person I always want to tell about everything exciting, new, hard, and crazy. PK is the one who baptized me and I want him to be the minister who marries me one day. I love them so much.

What I'm Thankful for...

-I'm thankful that I had a place to go this Thanksgiving (thank you Pastor Ed & Bobby)...

-that I have a wonderful home church here in Santa Cruz that is very welcoming

-for my family

-for my amazing friends

-for my pastors (Ed, Bobby, and Kyle)

-that I have someone to go shopping with tomorrow morning (thanks Elyssa)

-for cell phones and texting so I can stay in touch

-for God always being so good even when I don't realize it :)

-for my wonderful mentor who is always there to support me (Rachel H)

-stars

-waves

-the smell of Christmas

Things that I'm not thankful for:

-my family leaving me alone this thanksgiving and going to Arkansas without me

-American Institutions

-changes

-turkey, cranberry sauce, and gravy :)

-never ending homework

-the SF Giants

man...

The past few days have been crazy...

I thought I had a bad day Monday until yesterday happened.
Yesterday I found out that two of my favorite people in the world, my mentors, my teacher, my pastors, the only sister I've ever had, my role models, my leaders, and my most trusted friends are moving to Washington. It broke my heart to hear it. BUT I know it is the right thing for them and that it will be an amazing adventure. They are leaving their youth pastor position here in Santa Cruz to be the senior pastors at a small church in Washington. I know that God has amazing things for them there but it is soooo hard to say goodbye. I don't want them to go... or I at least want to go with them! Dang it! :)

Also, I found out that there is a slight chance I won't graduate next semester. I have this one class in my way... American Institutions. I have to go talk to the professor because I need to at least get a credit for this class but there have been a lot of complications and it's not offered next semester. I'm already going to graduate with the maximum amount of units pending (6) because I have to do a cross-cultural teaching internship for my major and I can't do that til the summer. Other than the internship I only have 9 units to take next semester so I hope this works out... I would hate to not graduate bc of one class... 3 units... ugh... I talk the the professor next week... pray that it goes well.

Other than all this, life is great! :) Maybe tomorrow will cheer me up.

The Bible...

Ok... so it's always a goal of mine to read the Bible everyday... but I never really do it... I mean I read a psalm everyday but that doesn't count to me.

I used to get frustrated with this fact because I thought that I wasn't a "good christian" if I didn't read my Bible... and while I know it's a good thing to read the Bible everyday and it really does help me throughout the day it's hard for me to just sit down and read... It's not enough.

When I read my Bible, I READ my Bible... I study it... I read a passage through like 15 times, read the references, read the same passage in the Message, read a study Bible, read a commentary, ect. I can't just read the Bible because I always have to know more... I'm never satisfied. I will get stuck on the same scripture for weeks because I want to know the meaning behind it. It kinda drives me nuts.

I mean... I really want to read my Bible and it is a goal every year to read through the entire Bible, but I just can't calm my brain down... my questions lead to more questions and I'm never completely satisfied. My 30 minute reading times turn into 3 hour reading times or 3 day reading times... it's ridiculous.

I know this doesn't seem like something to complain about and I'm not... I just want to know all the stories and people in the Bible so badly. Whenever I start reading I just want more...

My question this past week has been about the transfiguration of Jesus in Mark. I've read several different commentaries on it. But I want to know why Jesus did it. All I've found is that people in biblical times thought of Moses and Elijah as great prophets, and the transfiguration showed the people that Jesus was greater than both of these. Also, it was the first time that Jesus really showed himself as the Son of God. And of course it was a foreshadowing of His crucifixion. But was there something more to it? What was Jesus trying to show, reveal, or teach? What is the importance of this event?


(I have many more where this question came from...)

FINALLY!!!!

THE RAMS PULL OUT A WIN!

They beat the Saints 37-29 today and I can not even put my excitement into words... usually I would be pissed that they are only 1-8, but I am just satisfied knowing that they are not going to go the entire season without a win.

I know they pretty much suck this year... but I love em... they will always be my team... Plus, I have to keep my motto "It's always next year with the Rams"


I love Marc Bulger again... and maybe there is some hope of him being an alright QB after all...

Here's the story that made my day:

http://www.nfl.com/gamecenter/recap?game_id=29329&displayPage=tab_recap&season=2007&week=REG10

UGH

why is that every time I think I'm ok... I think I can move on... It just gets worse.

I miss having a best friend. I miss hanging out, random convos, watching heroes, watching other movies and shows and me always falling asleep before it's over... I miss being close.

Right when I think I'm fine and I can handle it, something reminds me I can't.

It almost makes me want to hate God for all of this... but I know that would only make it worse.

I just wish I didn't feel so alone. I'm tired of hurting. I just want my best friend back, but I can't.

Sorry this is so negative. I just can't sleep because this is all so heavy on my heart and in my mind.

I know God is right here with me, but I just don't understand what He is doing. I almost just want to crawl in a box and never come out.

I trusted God when He told me to trust people, to open up, share my life with others... but everytime I just get hurt. Friendships never last, people always leave, there is always pain, and nothing is ever as it seems.

I'm tired of having a broken heart. This has been the worst year of my life... I know I'm stronger, I know my faith has grown, but was it really worth all this heartache, all these mistakes, this embarassment and shame... isn't there another way God? Why must it hurt so bad?
There is only one person I want to call, and it is the only one I can't...

confession...

I'm obsessed with ducks (i know some of you know this)...

In fact, since I was about 4 years old I have dreamed about having a duck farm... and yes I still want one... well at least I want a pond with ducks in it, or just a couple ducks :)

When I was 5 I had a duck and I named it rubber because I thought it was cute... you know rubber ducky... my mom hated it and I can assume why now...

For now I stick to collecting rubber ducks, stuffed animal ducks, and other duck things...

But trust me, one day I will own a real duck... but here is my current favorite duck, because he is a Dodger fan it makes him the greatest duck ever...

Whats on my mind...

-Why did God create the world and man if He knew we were going to sin and He was going to have to send His only son to die to save us? (it just doesn't make sense)

-Can someone reach a point of no improvement in their life?

-Why do I want the things I don't/can't have and don't want the things I do/can have?

-Why is it that the Church is suppose to be Christ to the world, to love others, and to have unity, but it is the one place I have felt the most rejection, hatred, and loss of self-worth?

-Do dreams ever reveal your future or God's will or are they merely our subconscious speaking?

-Why do I always make mistakes that hurt me and other people?

-Why does God always seem so far away?

-Why are people so full of hate

-Why is it so hard to find a good job when your in college?

-Why do I want to be done with school so badly but I don't want the end of the year to come?

-What do you do after you graduate college?

-I don't want to live a life of comfort.

-How can I do anything for God when I can't do anything for myself?

-Did God create other worlds or beings?

-How did Isaiah forsee all that he wrote about?

-Why can't I have the kind of faith I read about in the Bible?

-Why is it so hard to understand my own desires, dreams, feelings, and passions?

-Why won't God give me a map and take away my free will if I don't want it because I obviously can't do anything good/right with it

-Why do questions only lead to more questions?

-How do you really know or experience God's love?

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Reasons for my stress:
-I don't know what I'm doing after I graduate
-I have too much to do and not enough time to do it
-I gave up something to get closer to God, but I feel like I was closer to God and pursuing Him more before I gave that something up
-Relationships
-Family stuff
-I can't handle my current job anymore- I need/want a new one but I can't find one
-I am behind on my homework and I can't seem to catch up
-God Stuff
-Finances
-I can't figure out what God has called me to, what I want to do, what I'm passionate about, or what I'm good at or what I enjoy doing

Release

God asked me to release everything to Him...

to go back to putting Him as my focus... with everything else on the back burner. It's such a hard step. But I know He wants my passion to be found in Him again.

Sometimes I just wish God was like mapquest...



I wish I could enter:

Starting Destination: Bethany University

End Destination: Heaven

Press enter... and boom... there is a map of my life. But I know it can't be like that. I want Him to tell me what my next step is... what I'm suppose to do. But as a good friend told me, God lights our feet not our path.



So pretty much, I want God to give me a map but He is giving me a compass... but instead of pointing North it points to Him. I'm just not sure how to use it yet.



This is the point in my journey with God when I usually give up... revert to things I used to do, make really bad choices (if you know me well, you know what I'm talking about) but I'm ready to not do that again.



I don't want to go back... for once I want to get through this. I want to get closer to God. I want to get throught this without creating more scars, more damage... I'm willing to do whatever it takes. I've given everything I hold close up to God and I am waiting on Him.



My song right now is "Red Sam" by Flyleaf:

Here I stand

Empty hands

Wishing my wrists were bleeding

To stop the pain from the beatings

There you stood

Holding me

Waiting for me to notice you

But who are you

You are the truth (you are the truth)

I'm screaming these lies

You are the truth (you are the truth)

Saving my life

The warmth of your embrace

Melts my frostbitten spirit

You speak the truth and I hear it

The words are I love you

And I have to believe in you

But who are you

You are the truth (you are the truth)

I'm screaming these lies

You are the truth (you are the truth)

Saving my life

My hands are open

And you are filling them

Hands in the air

In the air, in the air, in the air

And I worship

And I worship

And I worship

And I worship (You)

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Just for fun I decided to mapquest from Bethany to Heaven and this is what came up:

Driving Directions from Bethany University, 800 Bethany Dr, Scotts Valley, CA to Heaven Hill, 1064 Loretto Rd, Bardstown, KY

Ugh...

I'm frustrated...
I am never satisfied...
My heart is forever heavy...
I don't know where He is calling me to go...
Or if I'm even willing to follow...
I'm scared, I'm a wreck...
I have no clue...


I need a female friend in my life right now...

Dancin in the rain...

So I am definately one of those people who likes to dance and sing just because it's fun but I am HORRIBLE at both... But you know I don't care... I take pride in my horrible singing and dancing abilities... BUT my all time favorite thing is to dance in the rain... It's so fun and freeing... just let loose and dance! dance! dance!

I love it! So here is a video of me and my friends dancing in the rain... It's the best thing ever to do... this is from a while ago, but I just did this again today :)

Rain Dance

Add to My Profile More Videos


Just thought I would share... now you should go dance... do it Elizabethtown style... you know "dance by yourself with one arm waving over your head" It's seriously the best way to do it :)

How do you respond to this...

If God doesn't speak to you how do you know He is there?

This was asked of me a few days ago, and I honestly had no response. What do you say to that? The person went on to ask:

How do you know your not making all these sacrifices for nothing?

How do you know God is real if you can't actually feel Him?

How do you know Christianity is the right religion and that everything in the Bible is true? Can't it just be humans writing this stuff down in order to fill the basic questions every human asks?

I wish I could respond to these questions... I wish I had the answers... I wish someone had the answers... I wish they didn't make my head spin in wonderment of God...

So... I decided to google "God" out of curiosity and this is the website I found: http://godisimaginary.com/
This site had 50 reasons why God is imaginary...

It is easy to prove to yourself that God is imaginary. The evidence is all around you. Here are 50 simple proofs:
Try praying
Statistically analyze prayer
Look at all historical gods
Think about science
Read the Bible
Ponder God's plan
Understand religious delusion
Think about Near Death Experiences
Understand ambiguity
Watch the offering plate
Notice that there is no scientific evidence
See the magic
Take a look at slavery
Examine Jesus' miracles
Examine Jesus' resurrection
Contemplate the contradictions
Think about Leprechauns
Imagine heaven
Notice that you ignore Jesus
Notice your church
Understand Jesus' core message
Count all the people God wants to murder
Listen to the Doxology
Ask why religion causes so many problems
Understand evolution and abiogenesis
Notice that the Bible's author is not "all-knowing"
Think about life after death
Notice how many gods you reject
Think about communion
Examine God's sexism
Understand that religion is superstition
Talk to a theologian
Contemplate the crucifixion
Examine your health insurance policy
Notice Jesus' myopia
Realize that God is impossible
Think about DNA
Contemplate the divorce rate among Christians
Realize that Jesus was a jerk
Understand Christian motivations
Flip a coin
Listen when "God talks"
Realize that a "hidden God" is impossible
Think about a Christian housewife
Consider Noah's Ark
Ponder Pascal's Wager
Contemplate Creation
Compare prayer to a lucky horseshoe
Look at who speaks for God
Ask Jesus to appear




This made me so sad... and I feel like as a Christian I should have responses to these questions and even to these "proofs" that God is imaginary... but I don't... I can't feel God, I don't hear Him speaking, but I do know He is there... I just don't know how to communicate that with other people.

but ya know... all that comes to mind with these questions is a song that is my heart to God:

I can't feel You like others around me

I don't feel like kneeling or closing my eyes

Is there something wrong with my heart that I can't see?

Or do You feel love still when nobody cries?

'Cause I know in my heart how bad my I want to touch You

You must sense this love my soul barely contains

No lack of desire in this desert to worship

I keep singing skyward it just never rains

So I'll praise You if I never feel You

And I'll love You cause I know You're there

and if You should choose so I'm sure one day I'll feel it

But feeling good's never the reason I cared

Father, I praise You because You are

Jesus, I love You because You are

Spirit, I worship You because You are

And if no one can see that Your love's moving me

I worship You still and forever will

Because You are

I thought...

People forget that I'm still the same shy me I used to be... I may be a little louder, a little bolder, and more outgoing... but deep inside I'm still shy and introverted. It takes a lot to make myself talk to people and to force myself out of my comfort zone.

People don't realize I still get hurt very easily by words and actions. I am easily hurt... I really can't help it. I try to not let things get to me, but I'm sensitive and there is not much I can do about it.

I thought I could trust this person with everything in my life, but every time that happens I get hurt. I don't think it's purposeful, at least I would hope not, but it stings... no, it cuts. She is one of the greatest people in my life, yet the tears I cry wouldn't show that. Maybe I'm too sensitive, but all I know is I'm hurt. I thought I finally had someone I could trust to talk to about my spiritual life... someone who enjoyed investing in me, but I guess I was wrong. I guess I'm just the same annoying me.

I wish I could let this person know, the only reason I'm so timid around her is because I look up to her more than anyone I've ever looked up to in my life. She is the sister I've never had, my spiritual role model... someone I hope I can be like. I model my faith after hers and I love her dearly... which is why her words and actions cut even deeper than anyone elses...

Maybe I just need to get over myself and this... it just hurts.
But I should be used to it...
If theres one thing I've learned in life it's that no one stays around for too long.

Blah blah blah...

I'm definitely procrastinating right now. I'm super tired and really want to go to bed, so you think it would inspire me to power through my homework but no I decide to blog instead... yup, I'm definitely a senior people! Speaking of which, I am soooo not ready to graduate... I mean yes I'm ready because I want to be done with school and have my degree, but I AM SCARED!!!
What do you do when you graduate college? Seriously... I mean I could get my masters, but I need at least a year for my head to stop spinning...
So, do I stick here in Santa Cruz? I really want to because I have fallen in love with this place, the people, and especially CLC... it's the first church I've ever wanted to call my home church.
BUT say I stay in Santa Cruz... how long am I going to be here? what is my ultimate goal in life? I HAVE NO CLUE!!! It's scary... seriously... SCARY! :)
All I really want is to have a family, a little stability... but no... here I go out in to the world by myself... no clue which direction I'm going... Just me and God (of course)... this should be an interesting next year...

I'm following Him blindly into the night... hmmmm....

I don't understand...

why my heart is still so heavy when I'm giving it to God everyday...

why I always feel like He is an arms length away...

I want to draw close to Him... and I'm trying to give Him all I have... but I still feel like He's so far away, like I'm missing something...

Is it possible that I just can't connect to God the way others do? Am I incapable of going deeper than this? Am I never going to get back to that place of burning desire again? Has my heart changed that much? Have I let that much build up between us?

I know I've grown so much over the past months, weeks, and days... but I want more... I want to feel You God... I want to know You are there... I want to see You... I want You to be proud. I want to know I'm doing the right thing... I want to know Your love and feel Your approval.
Are You proud of me?
Do You love me?

Show me Your desires, let them be real to me. Transform me. Give me vision for my life.

I love You.

My everything...

Awhile ago a really good friend of mine, Rachel, asked me if God was my everything... my immediate response was yes, I love God with all my heart! But really, is He my EVERYTHING... that's tuff.

I didn't fully grasp what this meant til Rachel spoke to the youth group after a time of prayer and asked, "If everything you know to be real and true in this world were stripped away right now and you were standing alone before God could you honestly say none of that stuff mattered because He is and was your EVERYTHING? Is He all you live for? Is He your all?"

This means if I took away my family, friends, sports, computer, cell phone, TV, Friends, pets, clothes... everything I know and love... I'd still be ok because God is my everything... honestly to that standard He's not my everything yet... it's getting closer everyday and His joy is overflowing in me right now... but He still isn't my everything. And those words that Rachel said a few weeks ago are still burning in my heart and mind daily.

I want God to be my all to be my everything. I want Him to be the reason I live, move and breathe... I want Him to pour out of me. This last week has been amazing and God has revealed sooo much to me... and He couldn't possible give me more unexplainable joy... but I still long for more.

I want to get closer to Him. I want to burn with passion for Him. I want Him to consume me. I haven't stopped thinking about Him for a few days now, but I don't want that to end. I want Him to be my everything and to have my everything. I want this change to be a dramatic life change. I want to follow Him with everything I have within me... to worship Him unashamed, to serve Him with passion, to seek Him without ceasing.

I want Him to really be my everything, to be the love of my life. That is my prayer, that I would fall so madly in love with God that I can't contain it, that His love would burst from inside me, that everything I do and say would reflect Him, that I would be a fire for him. I want my heart to be hot, not just cold or lukewarm or even just warm... I want to be on fire... I want to be unashamed... to love Him with everything I have in me. To follow Him with blind trust and a passion that can't be controlled.

He is my only desire

Take my heart God. Renew it everyday. Let it beat for You.
You are my desire. My love. I lay my life before You and I'm NEVER getting up.

Is it possible to fall in love with the wrong person?

I never thought it was... but apparently it is possible to love the wrong person. I fell in love with the most amazing man, perfect for me in every way, no one could ever be better, my best friend... yet our passions are leading us in two different directions in our lives. We were planning on getting married... he even had the ring... yet, when I prayed about it I knew what I had to do. The hardest thing I've ever done. But I had to choose God over the man that I love over the only person I have ever wanted to and can ever see myself spending the rest of my life with. I love him so much... with all my heart... But I know it's not right. And staying together would make us compromise where God has called us... I have a heart for the world and I want to serve God on the missions field, he doesn't... he has a heart for youth ministry...

Y... I don't understand... I just don't understand why God would bring this perfect man into my life and let me fall in love with him just to take him away.
I never knew that I could fall in love with the wrong person.

Growing Spiritually?!?

What does growing spiritually really mean?
I've been trying to figure out where I am with God, where I should be, and how far I've came...

This is my journal entry from January...

Is God real... if so where is He right now? Where is He now that I need Him the most? Why dis He leave me in my pain and suffering? Why is He doing this to me... is He punishing me? Is there any hope left? Where is this loving savior I've heard about my whole life? Where is He? Why isn't He helping me? Why isn't He with me? Why won't He speak to me? Why doesn't He hear me... Why doesn't He care? Is He even real? Or do we just create this "God" in order to fulfill our questions and emptiness as part of the human wondering... How do I know He is true and real... And if He is real why isn't He helping me? Why isn't He comforting me? I'm tired of this struggle... I just want to quit... to be done with it... I really don't think there is a God.

I know I've grown since this entry... I knew there was a God then and I definately know it now more than ever... but sometimes I still have these same questions run through my head... like why isn't He listening? does He care? And it makes me wonder... what is spiritual growth... and will I ever not have these questions. I love God with all my heart and I want nothing more than to honor Him in everything I do. And I've began to think that spiritual growth comes in the form of gaining faith, and as the Bible says faith comes from reading the word, and reading the word helps us to learn more about God and to fall more in love with Him. And each of my struggles and experiences in life, good or bad, have only taught me more about God... And while life is a roller coaster, and I fail God continuously, I know everyday my faith is only growing stronger. I know the questions will never stop.... but the questions are what cause me to keep seeking God.

Larissa Inspired Me!

Yup... she inspired me to become a blogger... I figured y not get one more distraction for my senior year of college... what the heck...