Release

God asked me to release everything to Him...

to go back to putting Him as my focus... with everything else on the back burner. It's such a hard step. But I know He wants my passion to be found in Him again.

Sometimes I just wish God was like mapquest...



I wish I could enter:

Starting Destination: Bethany University

End Destination: Heaven

Press enter... and boom... there is a map of my life. But I know it can't be like that. I want Him to tell me what my next step is... what I'm suppose to do. But as a good friend told me, God lights our feet not our path.



So pretty much, I want God to give me a map but He is giving me a compass... but instead of pointing North it points to Him. I'm just not sure how to use it yet.



This is the point in my journey with God when I usually give up... revert to things I used to do, make really bad choices (if you know me well, you know what I'm talking about) but I'm ready to not do that again.



I don't want to go back... for once I want to get through this. I want to get closer to God. I want to get throught this without creating more scars, more damage... I'm willing to do whatever it takes. I've given everything I hold close up to God and I am waiting on Him.



My song right now is "Red Sam" by Flyleaf:

Here I stand

Empty hands

Wishing my wrists were bleeding

To stop the pain from the beatings

There you stood

Holding me

Waiting for me to notice you

But who are you

You are the truth (you are the truth)

I'm screaming these lies

You are the truth (you are the truth)

Saving my life

The warmth of your embrace

Melts my frostbitten spirit

You speak the truth and I hear it

The words are I love you

And I have to believe in you

But who are you

You are the truth (you are the truth)

I'm screaming these lies

You are the truth (you are the truth)

Saving my life

My hands are open

And you are filling them

Hands in the air

In the air, in the air, in the air

And I worship

And I worship

And I worship

And I worship (You)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just for fun I decided to mapquest from Bethany to Heaven and this is what came up:

Driving Directions from Bethany University, 800 Bethany Dr, Scotts Valley, CA to Heaven Hill, 1064 Loretto Rd, Bardstown, KY

Ugh...

I'm frustrated...
I am never satisfied...
My heart is forever heavy...
I don't know where He is calling me to go...
Or if I'm even willing to follow...
I'm scared, I'm a wreck...
I have no clue...


I need a female friend in my life right now...

Dancin in the rain...

So I am definately one of those people who likes to dance and sing just because it's fun but I am HORRIBLE at both... But you know I don't care... I take pride in my horrible singing and dancing abilities... BUT my all time favorite thing is to dance in the rain... It's so fun and freeing... just let loose and dance! dance! dance!

I love it! So here is a video of me and my friends dancing in the rain... It's the best thing ever to do... this is from a while ago, but I just did this again today :)

Rain Dance

Add to My Profile More Videos


Just thought I would share... now you should go dance... do it Elizabethtown style... you know "dance by yourself with one arm waving over your head" It's seriously the best way to do it :)

How do you respond to this...

If God doesn't speak to you how do you know He is there?

This was asked of me a few days ago, and I honestly had no response. What do you say to that? The person went on to ask:

How do you know your not making all these sacrifices for nothing?

How do you know God is real if you can't actually feel Him?

How do you know Christianity is the right religion and that everything in the Bible is true? Can't it just be humans writing this stuff down in order to fill the basic questions every human asks?

I wish I could respond to these questions... I wish I had the answers... I wish someone had the answers... I wish they didn't make my head spin in wonderment of God...

So... I decided to google "God" out of curiosity and this is the website I found: http://godisimaginary.com/
This site had 50 reasons why God is imaginary...

It is easy to prove to yourself that God is imaginary. The evidence is all around you. Here are 50 simple proofs:
Try praying
Statistically analyze prayer
Look at all historical gods
Think about science
Read the Bible
Ponder God's plan
Understand religious delusion
Think about Near Death Experiences
Understand ambiguity
Watch the offering plate
Notice that there is no scientific evidence
See the magic
Take a look at slavery
Examine Jesus' miracles
Examine Jesus' resurrection
Contemplate the contradictions
Think about Leprechauns
Imagine heaven
Notice that you ignore Jesus
Notice your church
Understand Jesus' core message
Count all the people God wants to murder
Listen to the Doxology
Ask why religion causes so many problems
Understand evolution and abiogenesis
Notice that the Bible's author is not "all-knowing"
Think about life after death
Notice how many gods you reject
Think about communion
Examine God's sexism
Understand that religion is superstition
Talk to a theologian
Contemplate the crucifixion
Examine your health insurance policy
Notice Jesus' myopia
Realize that God is impossible
Think about DNA
Contemplate the divorce rate among Christians
Realize that Jesus was a jerk
Understand Christian motivations
Flip a coin
Listen when "God talks"
Realize that a "hidden God" is impossible
Think about a Christian housewife
Consider Noah's Ark
Ponder Pascal's Wager
Contemplate Creation
Compare prayer to a lucky horseshoe
Look at who speaks for God
Ask Jesus to appear




This made me so sad... and I feel like as a Christian I should have responses to these questions and even to these "proofs" that God is imaginary... but I don't... I can't feel God, I don't hear Him speaking, but I do know He is there... I just don't know how to communicate that with other people.

but ya know... all that comes to mind with these questions is a song that is my heart to God:

I can't feel You like others around me

I don't feel like kneeling or closing my eyes

Is there something wrong with my heart that I can't see?

Or do You feel love still when nobody cries?

'Cause I know in my heart how bad my I want to touch You

You must sense this love my soul barely contains

No lack of desire in this desert to worship

I keep singing skyward it just never rains

So I'll praise You if I never feel You

And I'll love You cause I know You're there

and if You should choose so I'm sure one day I'll feel it

But feeling good's never the reason I cared

Father, I praise You because You are

Jesus, I love You because You are

Spirit, I worship You because You are

And if no one can see that Your love's moving me

I worship You still and forever will

Because You are

I thought...

People forget that I'm still the same shy me I used to be... I may be a little louder, a little bolder, and more outgoing... but deep inside I'm still shy and introverted. It takes a lot to make myself talk to people and to force myself out of my comfort zone.

People don't realize I still get hurt very easily by words and actions. I am easily hurt... I really can't help it. I try to not let things get to me, but I'm sensitive and there is not much I can do about it.

I thought I could trust this person with everything in my life, but every time that happens I get hurt. I don't think it's purposeful, at least I would hope not, but it stings... no, it cuts. She is one of the greatest people in my life, yet the tears I cry wouldn't show that. Maybe I'm too sensitive, but all I know is I'm hurt. I thought I finally had someone I could trust to talk to about my spiritual life... someone who enjoyed investing in me, but I guess I was wrong. I guess I'm just the same annoying me.

I wish I could let this person know, the only reason I'm so timid around her is because I look up to her more than anyone I've ever looked up to in my life. She is the sister I've never had, my spiritual role model... someone I hope I can be like. I model my faith after hers and I love her dearly... which is why her words and actions cut even deeper than anyone elses...

Maybe I just need to get over myself and this... it just hurts.
But I should be used to it...
If theres one thing I've learned in life it's that no one stays around for too long.

Blah blah blah...

I'm definitely procrastinating right now. I'm super tired and really want to go to bed, so you think it would inspire me to power through my homework but no I decide to blog instead... yup, I'm definitely a senior people! Speaking of which, I am soooo not ready to graduate... I mean yes I'm ready because I want to be done with school and have my degree, but I AM SCARED!!!
What do you do when you graduate college? Seriously... I mean I could get my masters, but I need at least a year for my head to stop spinning...
So, do I stick here in Santa Cruz? I really want to because I have fallen in love with this place, the people, and especially CLC... it's the first church I've ever wanted to call my home church.
BUT say I stay in Santa Cruz... how long am I going to be here? what is my ultimate goal in life? I HAVE NO CLUE!!! It's scary... seriously... SCARY! :)
All I really want is to have a family, a little stability... but no... here I go out in to the world by myself... no clue which direction I'm going... Just me and God (of course)... this should be an interesting next year...

I'm following Him blindly into the night... hmmmm....

I don't understand...

why my heart is still so heavy when I'm giving it to God everyday...

why I always feel like He is an arms length away...

I want to draw close to Him... and I'm trying to give Him all I have... but I still feel like He's so far away, like I'm missing something...

Is it possible that I just can't connect to God the way others do? Am I incapable of going deeper than this? Am I never going to get back to that place of burning desire again? Has my heart changed that much? Have I let that much build up between us?

I know I've grown so much over the past months, weeks, and days... but I want more... I want to feel You God... I want to know You are there... I want to see You... I want You to be proud. I want to know I'm doing the right thing... I want to know Your love and feel Your approval.
Are You proud of me?
Do You love me?

Show me Your desires, let them be real to me. Transform me. Give me vision for my life.

I love You.

My everything...

Awhile ago a really good friend of mine, Rachel, asked me if God was my everything... my immediate response was yes, I love God with all my heart! But really, is He my EVERYTHING... that's tuff.

I didn't fully grasp what this meant til Rachel spoke to the youth group after a time of prayer and asked, "If everything you know to be real and true in this world were stripped away right now and you were standing alone before God could you honestly say none of that stuff mattered because He is and was your EVERYTHING? Is He all you live for? Is He your all?"

This means if I took away my family, friends, sports, computer, cell phone, TV, Friends, pets, clothes... everything I know and love... I'd still be ok because God is my everything... honestly to that standard He's not my everything yet... it's getting closer everyday and His joy is overflowing in me right now... but He still isn't my everything. And those words that Rachel said a few weeks ago are still burning in my heart and mind daily.

I want God to be my all to be my everything. I want Him to be the reason I live, move and breathe... I want Him to pour out of me. This last week has been amazing and God has revealed sooo much to me... and He couldn't possible give me more unexplainable joy... but I still long for more.

I want to get closer to Him. I want to burn with passion for Him. I want Him to consume me. I haven't stopped thinking about Him for a few days now, but I don't want that to end. I want Him to be my everything and to have my everything. I want this change to be a dramatic life change. I want to follow Him with everything I have within me... to worship Him unashamed, to serve Him with passion, to seek Him without ceasing.

I want Him to really be my everything, to be the love of my life. That is my prayer, that I would fall so madly in love with God that I can't contain it, that His love would burst from inside me, that everything I do and say would reflect Him, that I would be a fire for him. I want my heart to be hot, not just cold or lukewarm or even just warm... I want to be on fire... I want to be unashamed... to love Him with everything I have in me. To follow Him with blind trust and a passion that can't be controlled.

He is my only desire

Take my heart God. Renew it everyday. Let it beat for You.
You are my desire. My love. I lay my life before You and I'm NEVER getting up.