THE question

The question everyone feels it is necessary to ask... the question that drives me insane... the question that makes me want to scream...
So what are you doing after you graduate?

AHHHH!!! I hate that question.

It's frustrating and scary... My option right now is to move home and be a preschool teacher... but that's not what I want. It's the easy thing, the comfortable thing, the thing that guarantees money flow... but when I think about it, when I pray about it, when I talk about it... everything inside of me screams NNNOOOOOOO!!!!

That's not what I want... that's not where my heart is...

It is what I have lined up right now... I'm suppose to graduate in May, go to El Salvador to do my internship in June, come to Modesto and be a preschool teacher in August/September...

but I DON'T WANT TO!!!!

I want to do ministry.... I want to do missions... I want to stay in El Salvador and never come back...

I want to do youth ministries... I want to work with orphans... I want to go to other countries...

People ask what I feel God is calling me to do... and well honestly... right now I feel He is pulling me toward going to Southwestern University to get my masters in Intercultural Ministry. Which I totally would be stoked about doing BUT that would require more debt, more loans, more money that I don't have and can't do... I already have about $50,000 in debt from Bethany... how can I go to SAGU and get more in debt...

I just don't get it...

I just want to be out on the field doing missions work... I just wish God would show me the way and open the door...

Resolutions...

It's that time of year... ya know all the goals for the next year are being planned out... so inspired by a friend I thought I'd re-visit last years goals.

1. Spend time with God everyday
Ok... so I spent more time with God than normal but I can't say that I did it on a daily basis...

2. Figure out what I want to do when I graduate
HA HA HA HA... here I am four month prior to graduating and I still haven't figured this one out! oh man!

3. Go bungee jumping off a bridge
I was supposed to do this for my b-day but it didn't work out... this is my resolution again! dang it! :)

4. Dedicate more time working out for softball so I will be more on top of my game as a senior
Another funny one... see I did start working out more til I completely blew my arm out... I had surgery in the summer and now I can't really play anymore... sad...

5. Read through the whole OT
I started to do this but I only got through Judges and then I stopped... I should pick this back up... the OT is quite interesting...

6. Get to know people at church better
I think I accomplished this... too bad two of the people from church that I loved the most had to pack up and leave... oh well new year, new people...

7. Get more involved at church
I think I accomplished this as well... Youth group... life groups... ya know...

8. Go to Bolivia in May
This definately did not happen... but it was suppose to... there were just too many political issues so I couldn't go... sad

9. Get a mentor and be a mentor
I did this as well! I was being mentored by this pretty awesome person (Rachel Hopkins) but she moved away... so sad... and I meet up with a girl from the youth group once a week... it's pretty awesome

10. Stick to Weight Watchers and lose more weight
Did this for the majority of the year and I did lose more weight... however, when I stopped in like Oct it all came back rather quickly... I think it's time to pick it up again... hmmmm... shall I start the two weeks of death? I think I'm gonna start this next week...


So I guess I didn't do too bad... For this year
1. Finish reading the OT
2. Find a mentor, be a mentor (i like this one alot)
3. Start working out again
4. Weight Watchers
5. Go bungee jumping
6. Graduate! Wohoo! And figure out wht to do with my life after I graduate
7. Do my internship in El Salvador! (so excited about this one)
8. Stay involved with youth ministries (I'm actually thinking that i would love being a youth pastor one day... something I'm praying about)
9. Pray outloud more often- sieze every opporitunity I have to pray for or with someone
10. Pay off my credit card bills


Anyone have any suggestions or resolutions of their own? :)

You know what's crazy...

Time goes by faster every year...

I just registered for my last semester at Bethany...

It's insane... I feel like just yesterday I walked on the campus for the first time.

Graduation brings with it life's greatest question: WHAT THE CRAP AM I SUPPOSE TO DO NOW?

I have no idea... but I do know it's gonna be great...

I'm trusting God has it in His hands... we'll see where He takes me.

I'm just ready for a great adventure...

Speaking of which... Missy and I are planning to road trip it on the 26th... final destination: Vancouver, Canada... we want some maple syrup... it's gonna be great... and if Canada doesn't work out... It's all about Mexico... we just want a roadtrip really bad and we don't even care about money right now... we just wanna go... :)

Strike the water!

Those are the most amazing three words I've probably ever heard in my life.

As the final youth service on Thursday PK and Rachel wrote out sticky notes to each of us and then took turns explaining them... PK did mine and it simply said: "Strike the water!"

(yup... I framed it :))

Now most people were surprised PK did mine and not Rachel, as was I at first, but it meant so much to me that he did...


See PK and I have talked over the previous month or so about what I wanted to do with my life (which I have no clue), what my passion is (again, no clue), what I enjoy doing (no clue), and what God has called me to do (u guessed it... no clue).

But from my many conversations with him I have really grown spritually, been challenged in my faith and way of thinknig, and discovered some of the things I am good at and enjoy... I love to serve and do things for others, I love encouraging people, I love supporting people, I'm good at connecting with teenagers, I'm passionate about what I do, and I'm a unique leader for whatever reasons that may be...

My point is... over the past few months I've gaining confidence in who I am in Christ because of his encouragement and leadership in my life...

AND nothing could top those three words... Strike the water..

They hit me deep... PK knows, more than anyone, about all this passion I have in me, this love for God... it's all there... but I bundle it up... I'm scared of it... scared if I let it out I will fail... but he told me to strike the water... To stop being timid and scared...

I guess I need to just strike the water... cross over... let the passion and love for Christ out of me so God can do amazing things through me...

And it still scares me... but PK has given me so much confidence and those three words will stay with me forever... (especially since they are framed)

I'm still trying to figure it all out... but I know I'm heading in the right direction and one day... This passion for God inside of me will be the guiding force of my life... I just have to let it...

Blah blah blah...

I'm definitely procrastinating right now. I'm super tired and really want to go to bed, so you think it would inspire me to power through my homework but no I decide to blog instead... yup, I'm definitely a senior people! Speaking of which, I am soooo not ready to graduate... I mean yes I'm ready because I want to be done with school and have my degree, but I AM SCARED!!!
What do you do when you graduate college? Seriously... I mean I could get my masters, but I need at least a year for my head to stop spinning...
So, do I stick here in Santa Cruz? I really want to because I have fallen in love with this place, the people, and especially CLC... it's the first church I've ever wanted to call my home church.
BUT say I stay in Santa Cruz... how long am I going to be here? what is my ultimate goal in life? I HAVE NO CLUE!!! It's scary... seriously... SCARY! :)
All I really want is to have a family, a little stability... but no... here I go out in to the world by myself... no clue which direction I'm going... Just me and God (of course)... this should be an interesting next year...

I'm following Him blindly into the night... hmmmm....

I don't understand...

why my heart is still so heavy when I'm giving it to God everyday...

why I always feel like He is an arms length away...

I want to draw close to Him... and I'm trying to give Him all I have... but I still feel like He's so far away, like I'm missing something...

Is it possible that I just can't connect to God the way others do? Am I incapable of going deeper than this? Am I never going to get back to that place of burning desire again? Has my heart changed that much? Have I let that much build up between us?

I know I've grown so much over the past months, weeks, and days... but I want more... I want to feel You God... I want to know You are there... I want to see You... I want You to be proud. I want to know I'm doing the right thing... I want to know Your love and feel Your approval.
Are You proud of me?
Do You love me?

Show me Your desires, let them be real to me. Transform me. Give me vision for my life.

I love You.

Is it possible to fall in love with the wrong person?

I never thought it was... but apparently it is possible to love the wrong person. I fell in love with the most amazing man, perfect for me in every way, no one could ever be better, my best friend... yet our passions are leading us in two different directions in our lives. We were planning on getting married... he even had the ring... yet, when I prayed about it I knew what I had to do. The hardest thing I've ever done. But I had to choose God over the man that I love over the only person I have ever wanted to and can ever see myself spending the rest of my life with. I love him so much... with all my heart... But I know it's not right. And staying together would make us compromise where God has called us... I have a heart for the world and I want to serve God on the missions field, he doesn't... he has a heart for youth ministry...

Y... I don't understand... I just don't understand why God would bring this perfect man into my life and let me fall in love with him just to take him away.
I never knew that I could fall in love with the wrong person.

Growing Spiritually?!?

What does growing spiritually really mean?
I've been trying to figure out where I am with God, where I should be, and how far I've came...

This is my journal entry from January...

Is God real... if so where is He right now? Where is He now that I need Him the most? Why dis He leave me in my pain and suffering? Why is He doing this to me... is He punishing me? Is there any hope left? Where is this loving savior I've heard about my whole life? Where is He? Why isn't He helping me? Why isn't He with me? Why won't He speak to me? Why doesn't He hear me... Why doesn't He care? Is He even real? Or do we just create this "God" in order to fulfill our questions and emptiness as part of the human wondering... How do I know He is true and real... And if He is real why isn't He helping me? Why isn't He comforting me? I'm tired of this struggle... I just want to quit... to be done with it... I really don't think there is a God.

I know I've grown since this entry... I knew there was a God then and I definately know it now more than ever... but sometimes I still have these same questions run through my head... like why isn't He listening? does He care? And it makes me wonder... what is spiritual growth... and will I ever not have these questions. I love God with all my heart and I want nothing more than to honor Him in everything I do. And I've began to think that spiritual growth comes in the form of gaining faith, and as the Bible says faith comes from reading the word, and reading the word helps us to learn more about God and to fall more in love with Him. And each of my struggles and experiences in life, good or bad, have only taught me more about God... And while life is a roller coaster, and I fail God continuously, I know everyday my faith is only growing stronger. I know the questions will never stop.... but the questions are what cause me to keep seeking God.