Light

I was talking with my friend I few days ago about how amazing it is that God reveals who He is in different ways to different people. Each person can be moved or touched in a completely different way than the person next to them. He knows what touches our hearts and speaks to the deepest parts of our beings.

I say all of this because recently I've been so moved and touched by the beauty around me, specifically light. Light is what makes shines on creation and makes it more beautiful to the eye... It reflects off water to create a sensation that is indescribable in words, it reveals the detail of a flower or a leaf, it makes the snow sparkle, or puts a glisten on some one's face.

Last weekend as we were leaving the young adult trip to Tahoe, I could see all the beautiful trees, mountains, and snow that surrounded us on our drive. On the way there I wasn't able to enjoy this view because it was extremely dark and we had been in the car for about ten hours thanks to traffic... anyways as I observed the scene that I had missed before I was amazed... from the light reflected off the lake to the snow glistening on the mountains, that place was beautiful. The light made it beautiful.

I sat outside to day just watching the evergreens and newly blossomed trees in the wind and my heart was filled with admiration for the creator of all this. And as cheesy as it sounds I began thinking about all of the passages in the Bible that compare us to light. Light brings out the beauty in the world, it makes creation glisten... so how much more are we called to do the same. We are the (metaphorical :)) light of the world... So shouldn't we bring out the beauty in God's creation... shine upon others and make them glisten... let God's light reflect on us so the world can see His beauty as we can see it in nature.

Just sitting outside made God's presence so much more real and allowed me to think of scriptures I've read my life in a different way. Just thought I would share...

God is amazing and his creation is beyond words to describe... He takes time to put every detail into every flower petal, every blade of grass.... he knows all the stars... and he knows me (better than I will ever know myself)... My savior is amazing and I am in awe.

Obedience...

Genesis has been challenging me lately...

Looking at the story of Noah... I mean usually we look at it and see the Ark, the rain, and the rainbow...
but there's so much more there.

People always overlook Noah's obedience. Noah spent years (over a 100 I do believe- correct me if I'm wrong) to build a huge box that could hold a bunch of animals to prevent mankind from being destroyed by a flood caused by rain and it had never even rained before... do you know what kind of faith that would take?

People had to think Noah was crazy... they probably mocked him... yet he listened to God.

I remember someone saying "Partial obedience is disobedience". That challenges me... How many times do I only partially follow what God has asked me to do... how many times do I partially obey God...

It's so easy to pick and choose what to listen to... to say ok God I'll do that, but I'll do it this way...

Can you imagine what would have happened if Noah partially obeyed God? If he would have decided to make a smaller arc or no arc at all? But he didn't he obeyed God completely...

Noah's story has really challenged me this past week.. if only more of us could have a heart like Noah...

I am Israel

I was reading through Acts and Jeremiah and I started getting frustrated with Israel. I mean why were they so dumb? Why didn’t they learn? They would love and serve God, then rebel and disobey him, He would punish them, they would suffer a while, then they repent, and God saves them, then they love Him and worship Him again… then the cycle repeats itself over and over and over again… it’s ridiculous.
So as I was reading I got frustrated and just closed the Bible and started to pray. In my head I was thinking why can’t these people just learn from their past and dedicate their lives to God and continually serve him. I was so annoyed.
Then I felt convicted. Who am I to judge Israel? I’m just like them. I do the same thing… make the same mistakes over and over again… I never learn. Why can’t I just learn from my past… learn from the Israelites… just serve Him and trust Him. Why do I turn from the only one who is faithful to me and loves me unconditionally.
But I don’t. I ignore who God really is. I am a wretched human being. I am nothing. I continually fail Him. And yet God still loves me… why? It’s crazy.
How can I ever serve Him and love Him the way He deserves to be. I mean I am just like Israel…

I want MORE!!!

It's so hard to describe how I feel right now. There are no words for the condition my heart is in. It aches not out of pain but out of desperation. I long for more.
I just want to touch His robe. As the song says, I want to lean back against him and breathe. I want to feel his heart beat.
My love for him is astounding. I am overwhelmed with this love for Him, so much that it hurts. My heart wants to explode. He is my life force, my passion, my one true love. No one and nothing can ever amount to Him.
But I know it's not enough, and I want more.
I want the passion I have in my heart for Him to guide my every way. I want my love for him to be evident in all I do and say. I want to him to be the reason I wake every morning. I want my passion for Him to guide my steps, leading me in his will and closer to him.
I want more of God. I want to feel him around me. I want to soak Him in. I want to love Him with everything I have. I want that love and passion to pour from me.

Yet... I find myself here. In this same spot every time. I have extreme highs and lows in my faith. And I'm tired of the struggling, tired of the wrestling with God for control. I want to let go. I want to dive in, give in, let him guide me. I want to know what it is to walk by faith. I just don't know how.
I get here and lose it. There is something in my way and I don't know what it is. It's a very real barrier and I feel it there. It's there when I think, there when I pray, there when I read, there when I worship... it's always there. I cry before him and it is there. I don't know what it is and I don't know how to break through.
It's painful because all I want is to be on the other side... to touch him... to live wholeheartedly for him. But I can't... there's a barrier in my way... It's holding me back and all I want is MORE of Him...

Excitement!

I just made some arrangements for my cross-cultural internship this summer and I finally picked a location: El Salvador! yay! I'm super excited...

I will probably leave the middle of May and get back in August or Sep sometime... I really can't wait. It's going to be amazing!

So.... you know if any of you wanna support me with dinero (also known as money or cash) or just by praying that would be amazing! :)

When I'm there I'll be helping in a school, doing street ministry, working along side missionaries, and just working with children.

I'm going to finally get to see if missions is really what I want to do with the rest of my life. I can't wait.

I LOVE JESUS! :)

You know what's crazy...

Time goes by faster every year...

I just registered for my last semester at Bethany...

It's insane... I feel like just yesterday I walked on the campus for the first time.

Graduation brings with it life's greatest question: WHAT THE CRAP AM I SUPPOSE TO DO NOW?

I have no idea... but I do know it's gonna be great...

I'm trusting God has it in His hands... we'll see where He takes me.

I'm just ready for a great adventure...

Speaking of which... Missy and I are planning to road trip it on the 26th... final destination: Vancouver, Canada... we want some maple syrup... it's gonna be great... and if Canada doesn't work out... It's all about Mexico... we just want a roadtrip really bad and we don't even care about money right now... we just wanna go... :)

Strike the water!

Those are the most amazing three words I've probably ever heard in my life.

As the final youth service on Thursday PK and Rachel wrote out sticky notes to each of us and then took turns explaining them... PK did mine and it simply said: "Strike the water!"

(yup... I framed it :))

Now most people were surprised PK did mine and not Rachel, as was I at first, but it meant so much to me that he did...


See PK and I have talked over the previous month or so about what I wanted to do with my life (which I have no clue), what my passion is (again, no clue), what I enjoy doing (no clue), and what God has called me to do (u guessed it... no clue).

But from my many conversations with him I have really grown spritually, been challenged in my faith and way of thinknig, and discovered some of the things I am good at and enjoy... I love to serve and do things for others, I love encouraging people, I love supporting people, I'm good at connecting with teenagers, I'm passionate about what I do, and I'm a unique leader for whatever reasons that may be...

My point is... over the past few months I've gaining confidence in who I am in Christ because of his encouragement and leadership in my life...

AND nothing could top those three words... Strike the water..

They hit me deep... PK knows, more than anyone, about all this passion I have in me, this love for God... it's all there... but I bundle it up... I'm scared of it... scared if I let it out I will fail... but he told me to strike the water... To stop being timid and scared...

I guess I need to just strike the water... cross over... let the passion and love for Christ out of me so God can do amazing things through me...

And it still scares me... but PK has given me so much confidence and those three words will stay with me forever... (especially since they are framed)

I'm still trying to figure it all out... but I know I'm heading in the right direction and one day... This passion for God inside of me will be the guiding force of my life... I just have to let it...

How do you respond to this...

If God doesn't speak to you how do you know He is there?

This was asked of me a few days ago, and I honestly had no response. What do you say to that? The person went on to ask:

How do you know your not making all these sacrifices for nothing?

How do you know God is real if you can't actually feel Him?

How do you know Christianity is the right religion and that everything in the Bible is true? Can't it just be humans writing this stuff down in order to fill the basic questions every human asks?

I wish I could respond to these questions... I wish I had the answers... I wish someone had the answers... I wish they didn't make my head spin in wonderment of God...

So... I decided to google "God" out of curiosity and this is the website I found: http://godisimaginary.com/
This site had 50 reasons why God is imaginary...

It is easy to prove to yourself that God is imaginary. The evidence is all around you. Here are 50 simple proofs:
Try praying
Statistically analyze prayer
Look at all historical gods
Think about science
Read the Bible
Ponder God's plan
Understand religious delusion
Think about Near Death Experiences
Understand ambiguity
Watch the offering plate
Notice that there is no scientific evidence
See the magic
Take a look at slavery
Examine Jesus' miracles
Examine Jesus' resurrection
Contemplate the contradictions
Think about Leprechauns
Imagine heaven
Notice that you ignore Jesus
Notice your church
Understand Jesus' core message
Count all the people God wants to murder
Listen to the Doxology
Ask why religion causes so many problems
Understand evolution and abiogenesis
Notice that the Bible's author is not "all-knowing"
Think about life after death
Notice how many gods you reject
Think about communion
Examine God's sexism
Understand that religion is superstition
Talk to a theologian
Contemplate the crucifixion
Examine your health insurance policy
Notice Jesus' myopia
Realize that God is impossible
Think about DNA
Contemplate the divorce rate among Christians
Realize that Jesus was a jerk
Understand Christian motivations
Flip a coin
Listen when "God talks"
Realize that a "hidden God" is impossible
Think about a Christian housewife
Consider Noah's Ark
Ponder Pascal's Wager
Contemplate Creation
Compare prayer to a lucky horseshoe
Look at who speaks for God
Ask Jesus to appear




This made me so sad... and I feel like as a Christian I should have responses to these questions and even to these "proofs" that God is imaginary... but I don't... I can't feel God, I don't hear Him speaking, but I do know He is there... I just don't know how to communicate that with other people.

but ya know... all that comes to mind with these questions is a song that is my heart to God:

I can't feel You like others around me

I don't feel like kneeling or closing my eyes

Is there something wrong with my heart that I can't see?

Or do You feel love still when nobody cries?

'Cause I know in my heart how bad my I want to touch You

You must sense this love my soul barely contains

No lack of desire in this desert to worship

I keep singing skyward it just never rains

So I'll praise You if I never feel You

And I'll love You cause I know You're there

and if You should choose so I'm sure one day I'll feel it

But feeling good's never the reason I cared

Father, I praise You because You are

Jesus, I love You because You are

Spirit, I worship You because You are

And if no one can see that Your love's moving me

I worship You still and forever will

Because You are

I don't understand...

why my heart is still so heavy when I'm giving it to God everyday...

why I always feel like He is an arms length away...

I want to draw close to Him... and I'm trying to give Him all I have... but I still feel like He's so far away, like I'm missing something...

Is it possible that I just can't connect to God the way others do? Am I incapable of going deeper than this? Am I never going to get back to that place of burning desire again? Has my heart changed that much? Have I let that much build up between us?

I know I've grown so much over the past months, weeks, and days... but I want more... I want to feel You God... I want to know You are there... I want to see You... I want You to be proud. I want to know I'm doing the right thing... I want to know Your love and feel Your approval.
Are You proud of me?
Do You love me?

Show me Your desires, let them be real to me. Transform me. Give me vision for my life.

I love You.

My everything...

Awhile ago a really good friend of mine, Rachel, asked me if God was my everything... my immediate response was yes, I love God with all my heart! But really, is He my EVERYTHING... that's tuff.

I didn't fully grasp what this meant til Rachel spoke to the youth group after a time of prayer and asked, "If everything you know to be real and true in this world were stripped away right now and you were standing alone before God could you honestly say none of that stuff mattered because He is and was your EVERYTHING? Is He all you live for? Is He your all?"

This means if I took away my family, friends, sports, computer, cell phone, TV, Friends, pets, clothes... everything I know and love... I'd still be ok because God is my everything... honestly to that standard He's not my everything yet... it's getting closer everyday and His joy is overflowing in me right now... but He still isn't my everything. And those words that Rachel said a few weeks ago are still burning in my heart and mind daily.

I want God to be my all to be my everything. I want Him to be the reason I live, move and breathe... I want Him to pour out of me. This last week has been amazing and God has revealed sooo much to me... and He couldn't possible give me more unexplainable joy... but I still long for more.

I want to get closer to Him. I want to burn with passion for Him. I want Him to consume me. I haven't stopped thinking about Him for a few days now, but I don't want that to end. I want Him to be my everything and to have my everything. I want this change to be a dramatic life change. I want to follow Him with everything I have within me... to worship Him unashamed, to serve Him with passion, to seek Him without ceasing.

I want Him to really be my everything, to be the love of my life. That is my prayer, that I would fall so madly in love with God that I can't contain it, that His love would burst from inside me, that everything I do and say would reflect Him, that I would be a fire for him. I want my heart to be hot, not just cold or lukewarm or even just warm... I want to be on fire... I want to be unashamed... to love Him with everything I have in me. To follow Him with blind trust and a passion that can't be controlled.

He is my only desire

Take my heart God. Renew it everyday. Let it beat for You.
You are my desire. My love. I lay my life before You and I'm NEVER getting up.

Is it possible to fall in love with the wrong person?

I never thought it was... but apparently it is possible to love the wrong person. I fell in love with the most amazing man, perfect for me in every way, no one could ever be better, my best friend... yet our passions are leading us in two different directions in our lives. We were planning on getting married... he even had the ring... yet, when I prayed about it I knew what I had to do. The hardest thing I've ever done. But I had to choose God over the man that I love over the only person I have ever wanted to and can ever see myself spending the rest of my life with. I love him so much... with all my heart... But I know it's not right. And staying together would make us compromise where God has called us... I have a heart for the world and I want to serve God on the missions field, he doesn't... he has a heart for youth ministry...

Y... I don't understand... I just don't understand why God would bring this perfect man into my life and let me fall in love with him just to take him away.
I never knew that I could fall in love with the wrong person.

Growing Spiritually?!?

What does growing spiritually really mean?
I've been trying to figure out where I am with God, where I should be, and how far I've came...

This is my journal entry from January...

Is God real... if so where is He right now? Where is He now that I need Him the most? Why dis He leave me in my pain and suffering? Why is He doing this to me... is He punishing me? Is there any hope left? Where is this loving savior I've heard about my whole life? Where is He? Why isn't He helping me? Why isn't He with me? Why won't He speak to me? Why doesn't He hear me... Why doesn't He care? Is He even real? Or do we just create this "God" in order to fulfill our questions and emptiness as part of the human wondering... How do I know He is true and real... And if He is real why isn't He helping me? Why isn't He comforting me? I'm tired of this struggle... I just want to quit... to be done with it... I really don't think there is a God.

I know I've grown since this entry... I knew there was a God then and I definately know it now more than ever... but sometimes I still have these same questions run through my head... like why isn't He listening? does He care? And it makes me wonder... what is spiritual growth... and will I ever not have these questions. I love God with all my heart and I want nothing more than to honor Him in everything I do. And I've began to think that spiritual growth comes in the form of gaining faith, and as the Bible says faith comes from reading the word, and reading the word helps us to learn more about God and to fall more in love with Him. And each of my struggles and experiences in life, good or bad, have only taught me more about God... And while life is a roller coaster, and I fail God continuously, I know everyday my faith is only growing stronger. I know the questions will never stop.... but the questions are what cause me to keep seeking God.