Walk for Life - WCPC Walk

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Walk for Life - WCPC Walk

The cry of my heart to You oh Lord...

Lord, You are my Lord! Earnestly I seek You; I seek to know Your will, to know the depths of Your love, to comprehend the width of Your infinite grace, and be drenched in Your joyous peace. That my heart would be rooted in Your Word; That Your wisdom, joy, love, peace, graciousness, compassion, and faithfulness would flow from me.

You are the Rock on which I lean. The only source of strength left in me. I look to the right and I see no one, to the left and I am deserted, I search high and low and there is no one to be found as faithful as You. The whole world has failed me, not one I can hold in esteem compared to You. I am cracked, bruised, and broken. An empty vessel, longing to be filled. My past haunts me, proving my torture day and night. My tears have stained my cheeks and my heart drowns in its own sorrow. Yet you are my rescue. My source of escape, the thread to which I cling, the very breathe that gives me life.

I will sing Your praises my God for You alone have redeemed me. You have wiped my slate clean and freely given new life! How could I ever betray You or walk from Your path? Bind me to You oh Lord, that my lips shall forever praise You!

Good vs. Bad...

Recently I've been filling out different applications, some of which ask about your strenths and weaknesses and one that asked 5 things you like about youself/ 5 things you need to work on.
I've never been good at answering these types of questions... the bad/weaknesses is ALWAYS easy for me to find and the strengths/good is very hard.
Like I know I always say too much (and don't know when to shut up or have boundaries)... I never say things the way I want to... I act on impulses and emotions... I continually analyze myself, others, and situations (I'm ALWAYS thinking)... I'm very passive aggressive... I'm insecure... I'm not a very good speaker... I'm not a good listener... I remember stupid little details and forget the big picture... I do the opposite of what I want to do a lot of times... I'm immature... Unorganized... Don't always see projects through to completion/no follow through... Too self-centered... prideful... overdramatic... scared/timid... I need clear, precise directions or I get confused... and I ALWAYS overcomplicate
Ugh... anyways...

It made me think and honestly it's like that with everything in life.

The bad is always a lot easier to remember than the good. It's easier to find/see bad in people, situations, places, etc. It's easier to pick people apart, to speak negatively, to complain. Seeing, doing, and speaking good and uplifting things is HARD! I don't understand it. Looking back in my life I can tell details of things that hurt me, I did wrong, or that didn't work out. But the good things are harder to remember. I WANT to remember the good but sometimes it's so hard to see past the bad junk in the way.

I just don't know how to clear away the junk so I can see and think on the good.

Me, me, mE, ME, M-E

That's the problem and the issue... me

My heart is heavy and tears are hidden constantly... it's hard to be strong and not let it show when the emotion beneath the surface is so strong.

My heart aches... where is my Savior? My Strength? My Peace? My Rock?

I yearn for Him... I seek Him... daily I kneel before Him...

I cry daily "Lord I need You, I can't do this on my own. My strength is gone. I am a failure. Mere dust, a wretched person on my own."
Yet, I feel unheard... I feel alone in this uphill battle... my cry for help is unanswered. I LOVE Him more with each passing day and still the desperation becomes more.

Here I clumsily make my way through life... breaking things here, tripping there... causing thunderstorms and showers that do not belong... Everything I do falls apart... it's wrong... it's sin... it's disgusting... it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth...

My words are hatred... pure wrath... there is no pleasure or blessing coming from my mouth. My love is imperfect, stinging, and taking blows... My heart full of jealousy, pride, and contempt.

Lord purify me... make me new! I'm nothing but mere dust without You! Help me Father because I can't do it on my own... I don't have the strength or wisdom to get through without You! I'm desperate... barely holding on! I am the cause of my own agony... save me from myself! Teach me to daily walk in fear of You! To love with all I am... to show grace and mercy the way You show it to me. Help me to guard my mind and my tongue... Take away the evil thoughts and desires of my heart... replace them with the pureness of You. Teach me Your ways... bless me with Your wisdom. Teach me to love others, to uplift with my words and not bring destruction. Search me God, make my faults known. I need You, I want You! HELP ME GOD!

Thank you Jesus!

I'm so glad I'm merely human and that it's ok to make mistakes... because well, I'm far from perfect.

God is sooo GOOD and He only seems to get better, even when I don't deserve it. He never fails, disappoints, or lets me down. He is ALWAYS there waiting for me, when I search I find Him... THANK YOU GOD FOR YOUR FAITHFULNESS! My EL SHADDAI!

My conclusion: The bigger the mistake, the bigger my God seems... isn't He amazing like that?

My mouth speaks without thinking and I hurt people willingly without cause... I'm sorry God.... thank you for your abundant grace and unfailing love! You truly are my ROCK, my STRENGTH, and my SALVATION!

So...

I'm engaged!!! Wohoo!!!

But I do need prayer and Jesus...

All I can do is pray and do what I feel is right/best for my life...

I LOVE JACOB KUMPE :)

2010

Hoping for something truly new this new year...

REFRESH me LORD I pray...

RENEW my PASSION...

REVEAL Your WILL...

REPLACE the me in my life and heart with YOU...

REFOCUS my VISION on You...

so there it is... nothing fancy... my REsolution is to REmodel my life and relationship with Christ to what it should be... to be in the Word 365 days... and with that not to just read the Bible to read it... but to actually use it as a way to know and communicate with my Savior... to fall more deeply in love with Him. I read my Bible daily, but I really want to dig deep this year... to dive in... to soak up all He has for me.. I'm tired of my spot on the fence, tip-toeing back and forth, one day here the other over there... tired of just warming a seat in the church, raising my hands out of routine, praising Him with the same lips I curse, it's time for a REvolution... a CHANGE... everything in the past two years of my life has lead me to this point... I can see it all so clearly- the choices, the mistakes, the victories, the lows, the highs, the lessons, and the hand of God in it all... now I know the choice is mine, God is waiting on me to move, and my answer will always be YES LORD YES!

Here today I lay my ebenezer... God draws the line once more... I don't want to merely step out in faith, I want to LEAP... Lord CHANGE ME! Give me the strength to live 2010 for You-- wholly and fully!

All is well...

I've been wanting to write an update on here for awhile. But I haven't had the exact words to describe how I feel. Then tonight as I was thinking and praying it came to me. I opened my Bible and there were the words... the words that are pouring from my mind and from my heart... the words that describe the very essence of how I feel... the very familiar words that now seem very real and alive to me, as if they jumped out of my heart, slipped past my lips and fell right there on the page. Psalm 42...

As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.

My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?

My tears have been my food
day and night,
while men say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"

These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house of God,
with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
among the festive throng.

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.

Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.

By day the LORD directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.

I say to God my Rock,
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?"

My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

It's not as if anything horrible has or is happening in my life... it's just as if I'm in constant battle with my soul... it is downcast and I do not understand for my God is a wonderful God, He is strong and powerful, mighty to save, faithful, and worthy of my praise. Jesus is Lord and He is Lord of my life.

My soul is aching, the feelings of jealousy, fear, uncertainty, worthlessness, and just not having what it takes overwhelm me. The situations of life overtake my every thought. God's agenda is gone and mine has become miles long.

Why must my soul withdraw from my Creator, why must my heart put limits on His unending love, and why must my mind second guess He who knows all.

Will I ever be all I want to be or do all I want to do or be the person I so desperately long to be- to love God with all that is in me and to love those around me with everything God gives- to be a be a good friend, a good listener, someone people can rely on... or will I always be the same selfish me... battling within myself for me, wishing to be free of the cage I put myself in, fighting off the lies within and trying to grasp for the Truth of God...

GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME!

You know what's so great about God?
Even when everything around you seems to be falling apart, He is the one thing that remains.

The truth that God is the same yesterday, today, and forever is something repeated in churches throughout the World but sometimes I wonder if everyone truely grasps the depth that statement holds. The God of miracles, wrath, love, and tenderness in the Bible is the same God we serve today. He is the same in the good times and the bad. God doesn't waiver or change, we do. This truth is the one thing that can hold us firm in times of doubt or chaos. My God is good... ALL THE TIME and ALL THE TIME, God is GOOD! (I couldn't resist)

I find so much comfort in those sayings. He is and will always be my everything, the I AM. That is something that will never change. Something that can truely make life amazing even when circumstances weigh us down.

I can't help but give my God praise and thanks for how GREAT He is!

Well... here's to a Spirit-driven life :)

Since everyone in the world is blogging now... I thought I might start writing on mine again. Only I think my thoughts are somewhat inadequate in light of the others I have been reading (aka Hopkins duo). Oh well. But I must apologize in advance for my lack of spiritualness ness on this blog in comparison to theirs... I'm just not that deep man!

But I will say this-- GOD IS SO GOOD!!! I'm finding the more I'm willing to surrender myself, the more AMAZING He becomes... the more I take time in my day to dive into His word the more I desire to read it and the more interesting it becomes... the more I take time to talk with Him the more I feel Him... And well the more I do this the more at peace I feel. Go figure, right?

But it's just amazing to me how no matter how far I allow myself to fall from God, if I continue to make the same mistakes... He's always right there waiting for me, and each time I feel like I go deeper with Him... it's hard for me to explain (since I'm just not good at this). All I know is I'm really enjoying falling in love with my Savior all over again. Starting fresh... this time not just saying Lord I want more of you and less of me... but GOD GIVE ME ALL of YOU!!! And none of me... take everything... I know it might not be revolutionary to you but it is to me. The concept of living with purpose... living intentionaly, and truely being a Spirit-driven person is new to me.
I have never seen the difference between Spirit filled and Spirit driven... now it's clear... I'm Spirit-filled... but I'm never truely experienced what it is like to be driven by the Spirit... To live a life so full of God's purpose, so full of His mission and vision, that I can not even leave my house without direction from the Holy Spirit... That's what I want... I want God's agenda, not mine.
I know I won't be perfect in this. But I'm ready to not care about anything else and lay it all down to live a Spirit-driven life.

Free to be ME

Francesca Battistelli totally captured my heart and feelings in this song... I LOVE IT!!!

At twenty years of age
I'm still looking for a dream
A war is already waged for my destiny
But You've already won the battle
And You've got great plans for me
Though I can't always see, 'cause...
I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
And on my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me
When I was just a girl
I thought I had it figured out
See my life will turn out right
And I'll make it here somehow
But things don't always come that easy
And sometimes I would doubt, 'cause...
I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
And on my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me
And you're free to be you
Sometimes I believe
That I can do anything
Yet other times I think
I've got nothing good to bring
But You look at my heart and you tell me
That I've got all You seek
And it's easy to believe, even though...
I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
And on my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me
And you're free to be you

L*I*F*Eve

Life really catches up to you sometimes... it's crazy... I feel like I just posted my last entry yesterday, maybe because the same struggle is still in the back of my mind.

I'm going to do a little Beth Moore quoting because I need it right now... "God is who He says He is, God can do what He says He can do, I am who God says I am, I can do all things through Christ, God's word is alive and active in me!"
It's one of those silly things but it actually really helps because they are all truths that I, and we as Christians, forget all the time... simple truths that are at the base of our faith in Christ, the base of who we really are in Him... created by the Beloved, in His image, for His work.... made perfect in our own weakness, covered by grace.

It's good stuff... stuff it's hard to completely comprehend because noone on Earth could ever love like our Savior...

On my own...

I'm having a harder time with this being on my own and alone thing than I thought I would...
It's rough...

I miss the community from college... always having someone nearby if needed... I have no family up here... I have friends but it's just different.
I LOVE it here, I'm not complaining... it's just a HUGE adjustment that is taking a lot longer than I thought it would and is a bit more painful than I thought it would be.

Sometimes it's just hard being alone in an apartment... working 8 hours everyday, coming back to an empty apartment and sometimes going days without real friend contact-- it's lonely.

I mean I do stay pretty busy... Mondays I get off work, do some quick shopping (because I'm in town on Mondays), make and eat dinner, then go to my friends house to watch 24... Tuesdays I get off work, eat dinner, and go to youth at the church, Wed I get off, eat dinner, go to prayer at the church, come home and relax, Thursdays work, dinner, Hopkins for The Office, and Friday is usually either hang out or alone time... Saturdays I clean the house and relax, and Sundays is church... so it's not like my life is lacking eventfullness... I just feel lonely... like I don't really have anyone here...
I do have friends here and I'm getting to know people, I am just struggling with this transition. Working full time, paying the bills, trying to make ends meet, being single, being away from family, and trying to adjust to a new place... it's hard. I'm not trying to complain, I'm just being real about life...

It's hard right now... I'm having a hard time dealing with being alone and on my own. It's great to have Jesus and I know I wouldn't survive without Him, but sometimes I just need people... I need friends and family... ya know?

First few flakes...

Yes... it's true I couldn't resist writing in the snow on my windshield... ha ha...

I LOVE watching it snow and cover the ground with a white blanket... it's beautiful...

But I do not appreciate the coldness or icky driving conditions the snow brings with it! :) ha ha...

It has only snowed a few times since I've moved up here so I still get excited and want to run around in it like a little four year old!

Here are a few of my snowy Washington pictures...

I took this one today right before I left for work... I love when my car is covered in snow instead of ice!!! (sometimes the ice is so thick I have to warm my car up before I can even scrape it off with my windshield scraper thing! ah!)

This is the apartment complex I live in here... I love it! I'm on the second floor so I don't have to use my heat as much to stay warm! Thank you gravity!

This was my a pic in my first snow here... I was soooo excited! I know, I'm a nerd!

My street... how beautiful! I love it!

And I thought why not... I'll share my nerdy videos! I made a couple videos of the snow because I was so excited! One was my first snow and the other was the day school was cancelled for the snow! wohoo! No work... that's always amazing! (well I can't upload them right now but I'll try later :))

Running Stinks!

I love it here... but I've been trying this whole getting in shape thing... I've been eating healthier and working out everyday and man I hate going for runs! And it's not because I hate running, it's because once I get past a certain point it's all fields and sometimes the smell of cow and cow patties is so disgusting it's hard to breathe! ah! So not ok with this city girl! :) ha ha

I'm used to running by a beautiful ocean in Santa Cruz and thanking God for His beauty while I do it... now I guess I'll have to thank Him for my stuffy nose when I have one :)

My Psalm 2

Lord I stand in awe of Your wondrous love and grace. With just one touch You have brought me out of a cycle of hurt and despair. My life is changed and I’m left longing for more. I long to see Your face, to fall on my knees before You and just touch the hem of Your robes. You are everything I need. I worship You alone. Your word has been sweeter than honey on my lips and daily fills me to overflowing. How could You be so gracious to such a detestable person as me? I look and all I see is filth yet You make me as a precious jewel. I will follow You to the ends of the Earth. I will blindly follow where Your Spirit leads. I trust You with my life, I lay it all down at Your feet. Every step I take, I take in faith towards You. And I am blessed beyond measure. You have covered me in Your blood and I could never praise You enough. Let me be a fool for Your sake, as Paul, and bring You glory. Drench me in Your Spirit and let me boldly speak Your name. Your faithfulness astounds me, there is no one like You my God. My heart beats for You and You alone. I sing my praise to You louder with every passing day for You are my hope, my salvation, You are my peace and in You alone have I found my joy. You give me new life and I will praise You. Father, my all in all, there is no one I love more than You. Let the glory be all Yours God.

It's been soooo long!!!

So... I don't think anyone will even read this because I haven't posted in soooo long!!! BUT life has been crazy! SOOOO much has been happening! I live up here in good ol Sumas, WA now teaching preschool and just having a blast! The Canadian border is seriously two blocks from my apartment... no jokes... it's amazing! :) I have the BEST pastors in the world and absolutely LOVE my church, job, and friends up here.
I haven't really had internet but now I'm gettin it at home so I'm gonna try and keep this updated from now on! It's a goal of mine because I miss all my friends! :) ha ha... Rachel M I know you deleted me so not cool! It was only like 4 months since my last post! ha ha

Anyways... I should post some pics from El Salvador, I still haven't done that on here! goodness I'm a slacker!

BOBBY I MISS YOU!!!! (just a lil shout out!)

Just enough...

I feel like I'm getting back into the same old routine... the same old habits of doing just enough to get by.
I do my daily devotions, I pray all the time... but is that really what God wants? Yes, I have a passion and desire... it's strong and burns deep within me. I thirst after Him... yet, I do just enough to keep my connection with Him.

Am I really pressing in and going deeper or simply skimming the surface of where I need to be? I know there is so much more but I get comfortable where I am and forget to press forward. Comfort leads to content which leads to a stagnat spiritually life.

Committment and true devotion runs deeper than reading the Bible and praying. It's a way of life... living for Him.
I need to seek His face... not to lose too much ground...

don't let the flame burn out... right?

so...

So I lied about keeping this updated while I was in El Salvador and Nicaragua... yup that's right I went to Nicaragua too!

The internet was crazy slow there... when I was even able to get on it! But this summer was AMAZING! It's hard to even begin to describe everything I learned and all the experiences that I had. All I can say is that it was incredible!

I spent all of June in El Salvador and then I had the opportunity to go to Nicaragua so I took it and I spent all of July in Nica. I was there as a MAPS intern with King's Castle Ministries and it was incredible. I definately want to go back at some point... I mean that is where my heart it. That ministry is a ministry I could do for the rest of my life. Reaching children throughout the world with the message of Jesus Christ. It was normal for me to help witness to around 1,000 to 2,000 children each week and lead hundreds or thousands of those children to Christ. Also I was able to witness many healings and miracles... it was the greatest experience of my life... hands down!

Now time to pay off those loans so I can get back out on the field...

2 days...

I only have two days until I leave for El Salvador! Wohoo! My plane takes off at 1:30 AM on Sunday! yay! That is a red eye flight for sure!

I'm so excited but still a little nervous... I'm still short on my support money and time is running out! The past two days I've gotten a lot of money in the mail which I am super grateful for and I'm just praying that the rest comes in soon so I can de-stress a little before I take off.

Also, I just found out I may be spending some of my time helping the King's Castle in Nicaragua! So exciting! I seriously can't wait!

Obviously life has been crazy these past few weeks preparing for this trip... I've been working here and there, I got all four of my wisdom teeth pulled, moved all my stuff from my house in Santa Cruz to Modesto, and I've been scrambling to figure out my financial situation for this trip.

Well, I will try to keep this updated while I'm there... so look for pics and stuff!