All is well...

I've been wanting to write an update on here for awhile. But I haven't had the exact words to describe how I feel. Then tonight as I was thinking and praying it came to me. I opened my Bible and there were the words... the words that are pouring from my mind and from my heart... the words that describe the very essence of how I feel... the very familiar words that now seem very real and alive to me, as if they jumped out of my heart, slipped past my lips and fell right there on the page. Psalm 42...

As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.

My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?

My tears have been my food
day and night,
while men say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"

These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house of God,
with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
among the festive throng.

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.

Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.

By day the LORD directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.

I say to God my Rock,
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?"

My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

It's not as if anything horrible has or is happening in my life... it's just as if I'm in constant battle with my soul... it is downcast and I do not understand for my God is a wonderful God, He is strong and powerful, mighty to save, faithful, and worthy of my praise. Jesus is Lord and He is Lord of my life.

My soul is aching, the feelings of jealousy, fear, uncertainty, worthlessness, and just not having what it takes overwhelm me. The situations of life overtake my every thought. God's agenda is gone and mine has become miles long.

Why must my soul withdraw from my Creator, why must my heart put limits on His unending love, and why must my mind second guess He who knows all.

Will I ever be all I want to be or do all I want to do or be the person I so desperately long to be- to love God with all that is in me and to love those around me with everything God gives- to be a be a good friend, a good listener, someone people can rely on... or will I always be the same selfish me... battling within myself for me, wishing to be free of the cage I put myself in, fighting off the lies within and trying to grasp for the Truth of God...