The cry of my heart to You oh Lord...

Lord, You are my Lord! Earnestly I seek You; I seek to know Your will, to know the depths of Your love, to comprehend the width of Your infinite grace, and be drenched in Your joyous peace. That my heart would be rooted in Your Word; That Your wisdom, joy, love, peace, graciousness, compassion, and faithfulness would flow from me.

You are the Rock on which I lean. The only source of strength left in me. I look to the right and I see no one, to the left and I am deserted, I search high and low and there is no one to be found as faithful as You. The whole world has failed me, not one I can hold in esteem compared to You. I am cracked, bruised, and broken. An empty vessel, longing to be filled. My past haunts me, proving my torture day and night. My tears have stained my cheeks and my heart drowns in its own sorrow. Yet you are my rescue. My source of escape, the thread to which I cling, the very breathe that gives me life.

I will sing Your praises my God for You alone have redeemed me. You have wiped my slate clean and freely given new life! How could I ever betray You or walk from Your path? Bind me to You oh Lord, that my lips shall forever praise You!

Good vs. Bad...

Recently I've been filling out different applications, some of which ask about your strenths and weaknesses and one that asked 5 things you like about youself/ 5 things you need to work on.
I've never been good at answering these types of questions... the bad/weaknesses is ALWAYS easy for me to find and the strengths/good is very hard.
Like I know I always say too much (and don't know when to shut up or have boundaries)... I never say things the way I want to... I act on impulses and emotions... I continually analyze myself, others, and situations (I'm ALWAYS thinking)... I'm very passive aggressive... I'm insecure... I'm not a very good speaker... I'm not a good listener... I remember stupid little details and forget the big picture... I do the opposite of what I want to do a lot of times... I'm immature... Unorganized... Don't always see projects through to completion/no follow through... Too self-centered... prideful... overdramatic... scared/timid... I need clear, precise directions or I get confused... and I ALWAYS overcomplicate
Ugh... anyways...

It made me think and honestly it's like that with everything in life.

The bad is always a lot easier to remember than the good. It's easier to find/see bad in people, situations, places, etc. It's easier to pick people apart, to speak negatively, to complain. Seeing, doing, and speaking good and uplifting things is HARD! I don't understand it. Looking back in my life I can tell details of things that hurt me, I did wrong, or that didn't work out. But the good things are harder to remember. I WANT to remember the good but sometimes it's so hard to see past the bad junk in the way.

I just don't know how to clear away the junk so I can see and think on the good.

Me, me, mE, ME, M-E

That's the problem and the issue... me

My heart is heavy and tears are hidden constantly... it's hard to be strong and not let it show when the emotion beneath the surface is so strong.

My heart aches... where is my Savior? My Strength? My Peace? My Rock?

I yearn for Him... I seek Him... daily I kneel before Him...

I cry daily "Lord I need You, I can't do this on my own. My strength is gone. I am a failure. Mere dust, a wretched person on my own."
Yet, I feel unheard... I feel alone in this uphill battle... my cry for help is unanswered. I LOVE Him more with each passing day and still the desperation becomes more.

Here I clumsily make my way through life... breaking things here, tripping there... causing thunderstorms and showers that do not belong... Everything I do falls apart... it's wrong... it's sin... it's disgusting... it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth...

My words are hatred... pure wrath... there is no pleasure or blessing coming from my mouth. My love is imperfect, stinging, and taking blows... My heart full of jealousy, pride, and contempt.

Lord purify me... make me new! I'm nothing but mere dust without You! Help me Father because I can't do it on my own... I don't have the strength or wisdom to get through without You! I'm desperate... barely holding on! I am the cause of my own agony... save me from myself! Teach me to daily walk in fear of You! To love with all I am... to show grace and mercy the way You show it to me. Help me to guard my mind and my tongue... Take away the evil thoughts and desires of my heart... replace them with the pureness of You. Teach me Your ways... bless me with Your wisdom. Teach me to love others, to uplift with my words and not bring destruction. Search me God, make my faults known. I need You, I want You! HELP ME GOD!

Thank you Jesus!

I'm so glad I'm merely human and that it's ok to make mistakes... because well, I'm far from perfect.

God is sooo GOOD and He only seems to get better, even when I don't deserve it. He never fails, disappoints, or lets me down. He is ALWAYS there waiting for me, when I search I find Him... THANK YOU GOD FOR YOUR FAITHFULNESS! My EL SHADDAI!

My conclusion: The bigger the mistake, the bigger my God seems... isn't He amazing like that?

My mouth speaks without thinking and I hurt people willingly without cause... I'm sorry God.... thank you for your abundant grace and unfailing love! You truly are my ROCK, my STRENGTH, and my SALVATION!

So...

I'm engaged!!! Wohoo!!!

But I do need prayer and Jesus...

All I can do is pray and do what I feel is right/best for my life...

I LOVE JACOB KUMPE :)

2010

Hoping for something truly new this new year...

REFRESH me LORD I pray...

RENEW my PASSION...

REVEAL Your WILL...

REPLACE the me in my life and heart with YOU...

REFOCUS my VISION on You...

so there it is... nothing fancy... my REsolution is to REmodel my life and relationship with Christ to what it should be... to be in the Word 365 days... and with that not to just read the Bible to read it... but to actually use it as a way to know and communicate with my Savior... to fall more deeply in love with Him. I read my Bible daily, but I really want to dig deep this year... to dive in... to soak up all He has for me.. I'm tired of my spot on the fence, tip-toeing back and forth, one day here the other over there... tired of just warming a seat in the church, raising my hands out of routine, praising Him with the same lips I curse, it's time for a REvolution... a CHANGE... everything in the past two years of my life has lead me to this point... I can see it all so clearly- the choices, the mistakes, the victories, the lows, the highs, the lessons, and the hand of God in it all... now I know the choice is mine, God is waiting on me to move, and my answer will always be YES LORD YES!

Here today I lay my ebenezer... God draws the line once more... I don't want to merely step out in faith, I want to LEAP... Lord CHANGE ME! Give me the strength to live 2010 for You-- wholly and fully!

All is well...

I've been wanting to write an update on here for awhile. But I haven't had the exact words to describe how I feel. Then tonight as I was thinking and praying it came to me. I opened my Bible and there were the words... the words that are pouring from my mind and from my heart... the words that describe the very essence of how I feel... the very familiar words that now seem very real and alive to me, as if they jumped out of my heart, slipped past my lips and fell right there on the page. Psalm 42...

As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.

My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?

My tears have been my food
day and night,
while men say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"

These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house of God,
with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
among the festive throng.

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.

Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.

By day the LORD directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.

I say to God my Rock,
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?"

My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

It's not as if anything horrible has or is happening in my life... it's just as if I'm in constant battle with my soul... it is downcast and I do not understand for my God is a wonderful God, He is strong and powerful, mighty to save, faithful, and worthy of my praise. Jesus is Lord and He is Lord of my life.

My soul is aching, the feelings of jealousy, fear, uncertainty, worthlessness, and just not having what it takes overwhelm me. The situations of life overtake my every thought. God's agenda is gone and mine has become miles long.

Why must my soul withdraw from my Creator, why must my heart put limits on His unending love, and why must my mind second guess He who knows all.

Will I ever be all I want to be or do all I want to do or be the person I so desperately long to be- to love God with all that is in me and to love those around me with everything God gives- to be a be a good friend, a good listener, someone people can rely on... or will I always be the same selfish me... battling within myself for me, wishing to be free of the cage I put myself in, fighting off the lies within and trying to grasp for the Truth of God...