♥♥ Crazy Dreamer ♥♥

Walk for Life - WCPC Walk

2010-05-07T23:49:00.000-07:00

I'm doing the Walk for Life tomorrow and can really use some support!!! Please consider making a donation and helping women choose LIFE!

Walk for Life - WCPC Walk

The cry of my heart to You oh Lord...

2010-02-22T00:18:00.001-08:00

Lord, You are my Lord! Earnestly I seek You; I seek to know Your will, to know the depths of Your love, to comprehend the width of Your infinite grace, and be drenched in Your joyous peace. That my heart would be rooted in Your Word; That Your wisdom, joy, love, peace, graciousness, compassion, and faithfulness would flow from me.

You are the Rock on which I lean. The only source of strength left in me. I look to the right and I see no one, to the left and I am deserted, I search high and low and there is no one to be found as faithful as You. The whole world has failed me, not one I can hold in esteem compared to You. I am cracked, bruised, and broken. An empty vessel, longing to be filled. My past haunts me, proving my torture day and night. My tears have stained my cheeks and my heart drowns in its own sorrow. Yet you are my rescue. My source of escape, the thread to which I cling, the very breathe that gives me life.

I will sing Your praises my God for You alone have redeemed me. You have wiped my slate clean and freely given new life! How could I ever betray You or walk from Your path? Bind me to You oh Lord, that my lips shall forever praise You!

Good vs. Bad...

2010-01-30T13:34:00.000-08:00

Recently I've been filling out different applications, some of which ask about your strenths and weaknesses and one that asked 5 things you like about youself/ 5 things you need to work on.
I've never been good at answering these types of questions... the bad/weaknesses is ALWAYS easy for me to find and the strengths/good is very hard.
Like I know I always say too much (and don't know when to shut up or have boundaries)... I never say things the way I want to... I act on impulses and emotions... I continually analyze myself, others, and situations (I'm ALWAYS thinking)... I'm very passive aggressive... I'm insecure... I'm not a very good speaker... I'm not a good listener... I remember stupid little details and forget the big picture... I do the opposite of what I want to do a lot of times... I'm immature... Unorganized... Don't always see projects through to completion/no follow through... Too self-centered... prideful... overdramatic... scared/timid... I need clear, precise directions or I get confused... and I ALWAYS overcomplicate
Ugh... anyways...

It made me think and honestly it's like that with everything in life.

The bad is always a lot easier to remember than the good. It's easier to find/see bad in people, situations, places, etc. It's easier to pick people apart, to speak negatively, to complain. Seeing, doing, and speaking good and uplifting things is HARD! I don't understand it. Looking back in my life I can tell details of things that hurt me, I did wrong, or that didn't work out. But the good things are harder to remember. I WANT to remember the good but sometimes it's so hard to see past the bad junk in the way.

I just don't know how to clear away the junk so I can see and think on the good.

Me, me, mE, ME, M-E

2010-01-28T08:17:00.000-08:00

That's the problem and the issue... me

My heart is heavy and tears are hidden constantly... it's hard to be strong and not let it show when the emotion beneath the surface is so strong.

My heart aches... where is my Savior? My Strength? My Peace? My Rock?

I yearn for Him... I seek Him... daily I kneel before Him...

I cry daily "Lord I need You, I can't do this on my own. My strength is gone. I am a failure. Mere dust, a wretched person on my own."
Yet, I feel unheard... I feel alone in this uphill battle... my cry for help is unanswered. I LOVE Him more with each passing day and still the desperation becomes more.

Here I clumsily make my way through life... breaking things here, tripping there... causing thunderstorms and showers that do not belong... Everything I do falls apart... it's wrong... it's sin... it's disgusting... it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth...

My words are hatred... pure wrath... there is no pleasure or blessing coming from my mouth. My love is imperfect, stinging, and taking blows... My heart full of jealousy, pride, and contempt.

Lord purify me... make me new! I'm nothing but mere dust without You! Help me Father because I can't do it on my own... I don't have the strength or wisdom to get through without You! I'm desperate... barely holding on! I am the cause of my own agony... save me from myself! Teach me to daily walk in fear of You! To love with all I am... to show grace and mercy the way You show it to me. Help me to guard my mind and my tongue... Take away the evil thoughts and desires of my heart... replace them with the pureness of You. Teach me Your ways... bless me with Your wisdom. Teach me to love others, to uplift with my words and not bring destruction. Search me God, make my faults known. I need You, I want You! HELP ME GOD!

Thank you Jesus!

2010-01-09T01:08:00.000-08:00

I'm so glad I'm merely human and that it's ok to make mistakes... because well, I'm far from perfect.

God is sooo GOOD and He only seems to get better, even when I don't deserve it. He never fails, disappoints, or lets me down. He is ALWAYS there waiting for me, when I search I find Him... THANK YOU GOD FOR YOUR FAITHFULNESS! My EL SHADDAI!

My conclusion: The bigger the mistake, the bigger my God seems... isn't He amazing like that?

My mouth speaks without thinking and I hurt people willingly without cause... I'm sorry God.... thank you for your abundant grace and unfailing love! You truly are my ROCK, my STRENGTH, and my SALVATION!

So...

2010-01-03T21:19:00.000-08:00

I'm engaged!!! Wohoo!!!

But I do need prayer and Jesus...

All I can do is pray and do what I feel is right/best for my life...

I LOVE JACOB KUMPE :)

2010

2009-12-30T23:05:00.000-08:00

Hoping for something truly new this new year...

REFRESH me LORD I pray...

RENEW my PASSION...

REVEAL Your WILL...

REPLACE the me in my life and heart with YOU...

REFOCUS my VISION on You...

so there it is... nothing fancy... my REsolution is to REmodel my life and relationship with Christ to what it should be... to be in the Word 365 days... and with that not to just read the Bible to read it... but to actually use it as a way to know and communicate with my Savior... to fall more deeply in love with Him. I read my Bible daily, but I really want to dig deep this year... to dive in... to soak up all He has for me.. I'm tired of my spot on the fence, tip-toeing back and forth, one day here the other over there... tired of just warming a seat in the church, raising my hands out of routine, praising Him with the same lips I curse, it's time for a REvolution... a CHANGE... everything in the past two years of my life has lead me to this point... I can see it all so clearly- the choices, the mistakes, the victories, the lows, the highs, the lessons, and the hand of God in it all... now I know the choice is mine, God is waiting on me to move, and my answer will always be YES LORD YES!

Here today I lay my ebenezer... God draws the line once more... I don't want to merely step out in faith, I want to LEAP... Lord CHANGE ME! Give me the strength to live 2010 for You-- wholly and fully!

All is well...

2009-12-03T21:55:00.000-08:00

I've been wanting to write an update on here for awhile. But I haven't had the exact words to describe how I feel. Then tonight as I was thinking and praying it came to me. I opened my Bible and there were the words... the words that are pouring from my mind and from my heart... the words that describe the very essence of how I feel... the very familiar words that now seem very real and alive to me, as if they jumped out of my heart, slipped past my lips and fell right there on the page. Psalm 42...

As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.

My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?

My tears have been my food
day and night,
while men say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"

These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house of God,
with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
among the festive throng.

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.

Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.

By day the LORD directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.

I say to God my Rock,
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?"

My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

It's not as if anything horrible has or is happening in my life... it's just as if I'm in constant battle with my soul... it is downcast and I do not understand for my God is a wonderful God, He is strong and powerful, mighty to save, faithful, and worthy of my praise. Jesus is Lord and He is Lord of my life.

My soul is aching, the feelings of jealousy, fear, uncertainty, worthlessness, and just not having what it takes overwhelm me. The situations of life overtake my every thought. God's agenda is gone and mine has become miles long.

Why must my soul withdraw from my Creator, why must my heart put limits on His unending love, and why must my mind second guess He who knows all.

Will I ever be all I want to be or do all I want to do or be the person I so desperately long to be- to love God with all that is in me and to love those around me with everything God gives- to be a be a good friend, a good listener, someone people can rely on... or will I always be the same selfish me... battling within myself for me, wishing to be free of the cage I put myself in, fighting off the lies within and trying to grasp for the Truth of God...

GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME!

2009-09-25T13:09:00.001-07:00

You know what's so great about God?
Even when everything around you seems to be falling apart, He is the one thing that remains.

The truth that God is the same yesterday, today, and forever is something repeated in churches throughout the World but sometimes I wonder if everyone truely grasps the depth that statement holds. The God of miracles, wrath, love, and tenderness in the Bible is the same God we serve today. He is the same in the good times and the bad. God doesn't waiver or change, we do. This truth is the one thing that can hold us firm in times of doubt or chaos. My God is good... ALL THE TIME and ALL THE TIME, God is GOOD! (I couldn't resist)

I find so much comfort in those sayings. He is and will always be my everything, the I AM. That is something that will never change. Something that can truely make life amazing even when circumstances weigh us down.

I can't help but give my God praise and thanks for how GREAT He is!

Well... here's to a Spirit-driven life :)

2009-09-21T17:17:00.000-07:00

Since everyone in the world is blogging now... I thought I might start writing on mine again. Only I think my thoughts are somewhat inadequate in light of the others I have been reading (aka Hopkins duo). Oh well. But I must apologize in advance for my lack of spiritualness ness on this blog in comparison to theirs... I'm just not that deep man!

But I will say this-- GOD IS SO GOOD!!! I'm finding the more I'm willing to surrender myself, the more AMAZING He becomes... the more I take time in my day to dive into His word the more I desire to read it and the more interesting it becomes... the more I take time to talk with Him the more I feel Him... And well the more I do this the more at peace I feel. Go figure, right?

But it's just amazing to me how no matter how far I allow myself to fall from God, if I continue to make the same mistakes... He's always right there waiting for me, and each time I feel like I go deeper with Him... it's hard for me to explain (since I'm just not good at this). All I know is I'm really enjoying falling in love with my Savior all over again. Starting fresh... this time not just saying Lord I want more of you and less of me... but GOD GIVE ME ALL of YOU!!! And none of me... take everything... I know it might not be revolutionary to you but it is to me. The concept of living with purpose... living intentionaly, and truely being a Spirit-driven person is new to me.
I have never seen the difference between Spirit filled and Spirit driven... now it's clear... I'm Spirit-filled... but I'm never truely experienced what it is like to be driven by the Spirit... To live a life so full of God's purpose, so full of His mission and vision, that I can not even leave my house without direction from the Holy Spirit... That's what I want... I want God's agenda, not mine.
I know I won't be perfect in this. But I'm ready to not care about anything else and lay it all down to live a Spirit-driven life.

Free to be ME

2009-02-24T18:33:00.000-08:00

Francesca Battistelli totally captured my heart and feelings in this song... I LOVE IT!!!

At twenty years of age
I'm still looking for a dream
A war is already waged for my destiny
But You've already won the battle
And You've got great plans for me
Though I can't always see, 'cause...
I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
And on my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me
When I was just a girl
I thought I had it figured out
See my life will turn out right
And I'll make it here somehow
But things don't always come that easy
And sometimes I would doubt, 'cause...
I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
And on my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me
And you're free to be you
Sometimes I believe
That I can do anything
Yet other times I think
I've got nothing good to bring
But You look at my heart and you tell me
That I've got all You seek
And it's easy to believe, even though...
I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
And on my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me
And you're free to be you

LIF*Eve

2009-02-13T06:35:00.000-08:00

Life really catches up to you sometimes... it's crazy... I feel like I just posted my last entry yesterday, maybe because the same struggle is still in the back of my mind.

I'm going to do a little Beth Moore quoting because I need it right now... "God is who He says He is, God can do what He says He can do, I am who God says I am, I can do all things through Christ, God's word is alive and active in me!"
It's one of those silly things but it actually really helps because they are all truths that I, and we as Christians, forget all the time... simple truths that are at the base of our faith in Christ, the base of who we really are in Him... created by the Beloved, in His image, for His work.... made perfect in our own weakness, covered by grace.

It's good stuff... stuff it's hard to completely comprehend because noone on Earth could ever love like our Savior...

On my own...

2009-02-01T20:52:00.000-08:00

I'm having a harder time with this being on my own and alone thing than I thought I would...
It's rough...

I miss the community from college... always having someone nearby if needed... I have no family up here... I have friends but it's just different.
I LOVE it here, I'm not complaining... it's just a HUGE adjustment that is taking a lot longer than I thought it would and is a bit more painful than I thought it would be.

Sometimes it's just hard being alone in an apartment... working 8 hours everyday, coming back to an empty apartment and sometimes going days without real friend contact-- it's lonely.

I mean I do stay pretty busy... Mondays I get off work, do some quick shopping (because I'm in town on Mondays), make and eat dinner, then go to my friends house to watch 24... Tuesdays I get off work, eat dinner, and go to youth at the church, Wed I get off, eat dinner, go to prayer at the church, come home and relax, Thursdays work, dinner, Hopkins for The Office, and Friday is usually either hang out or alone time... Saturdays I clean the house and relax, and Sundays is church... so it's not like my life is lacking eventfullness... I just feel lonely... like I don't really have anyone here...
I do have friends here and I'm getting to know people, I am just struggling with this transition. Working full time, paying the bills, trying to make ends meet, being single, being away from family, and trying to adjust to a new place... it's hard. I'm not trying to complain, I'm just being real about life...

It's hard right now... I'm having a hard time dealing with being alone and on my own. It's great to have Jesus and I know I wouldn't survive without Him, but sometimes I just need people... I need friends and family... ya know?

First few flakes...

2009-01-27T17:38:00.000-08:00

Yes... it's true I couldn't resist writing in the snow on my windshield... ha ha...

I LOVE watching it snow and cover the ground with a white blanket... it's beautiful...

But I do not appreciate the coldness or icky driving conditions the snow brings with it! :) ha ha...

It has only snowed a few times since I've moved up here so I still get excited and want to run around in it like a little four year old!

Here are a few of my snowy Washington pictures...

I took this one today right before I left for work... I love when my car is covered in snow instead of ice!!! (sometimes the ice is so thick I have to warm my car up before I can even scrape it off with my windshield scraper thing! ah!)

This is the apartment complex I live in here... I love it! I'm on the second floor so I don't have to use my heat as much to stay warm! Thank you gravity!

This was my a pic in my first snow here... I was soooo excited! I know, I'm a nerd!

My street... how beautiful! I love it!

And I thought why not... I'll share my nerdy videos! I made a couple videos of the snow because I was so excited! One was my first snow and the other was the day school was cancelled for the snow! wohoo! No work... that's always amazing! (well I can't upload them right now but I'll try later :))

Running Stinks!

2009-01-17T16:32:00.000-08:00

I love it here... but I've been trying this whole getting in shape thing... I've been eating healthier and working out everyday and man I hate going for runs! And it's not because I hate running, it's because once I get past a certain point it's all fields and sometimes the smell of cow and cow patties is so disgusting it's hard to breathe! ah! So not ok with this city girl! :) ha ha

I'm used to running by a beautiful ocean in Santa Cruz and thanking God for His beauty while I do it... now I guess I'll have to thank Him for my stuffy nose when I have one :)

My Psalm 2

2009-01-12T23:16:00.000-08:00

Lord I stand in awe of Your wondrous love and grace. With just one touch You have brought me out of a cycle of hurt and despair. My life is changed and I’m left longing for more. I long to see Your face, to fall on my knees before You and just touch the hem of Your robes. You are everything I need. I worship You alone. Your word has been sweeter than honey on my lips and daily fills me to overflowing. How could You be so gracious to such a detestable person as me? I look and all I see is filth yet You make me as a precious jewel. I will follow You to the ends of the Earth. I will blindly follow where Your Spirit leads. I trust You with my life, I lay it all down at Your feet. Every step I take, I take in faith towards You. And I am blessed beyond measure. You have covered me in Your blood and I could never praise You enough. Let me be a fool for Your sake, as Paul, and bring You glory. Drench me in Your Spirit and let me boldly speak Your name. Your faithfulness astounds me, there is no one like You my God. My heart beats for You and You alone. I sing my praise to You louder with every passing day for You are my hope, my salvation, You are my peace and in You alone have I found my joy. You give me new life and I will praise You. Father, my all in all, there is no one I love more than You. Let the glory be all Yours God.

It's been soooo long!!!

2009-01-12T22:52:00.000-08:00

So... I don't think anyone will even read this because I haven't posted in soooo long!!! BUT life has been crazy! SOOOO much has been happening! I live up here in good ol Sumas, WA now teaching preschool and just having a blast! The Canadian border is seriously two blocks from my apartment... no jokes... it's amazing! :) I have the BEST pastors in the world and absolutely LOVE my church, job, and friends up here.
I haven't really had internet but now I'm gettin it at home so I'm gonna try and keep this updated from now on! It's a goal of mine because I miss all my friends! :) ha ha... Rachel M I know you deleted me so not cool! It was only like 4 months since my last post! ha ha

Anyways... I should post some pics from El Salvador, I still haven't done that on here! goodness I'm a slacker!

BOBBY I MISS YOU!!!! (just a lil shout out!)

Just enough...

2008-09-21T22:48:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm getting back into the same old routine... the same old habits of doing just enough to get by.
I do my daily devotions, I pray all the time... but is that really what God wants? Yes, I have a passion and desire... it's strong and burns deep within me. I thirst after Him... yet, I do just enough to keep my connection with Him.

Am I really pressing in and going deeper or simply skimming the surface of where I need to be? I know there is so much more but I get comfortable where I am and forget to press forward. Comfort leads to content which leads to a stagnat spiritually life.

Committment and true devotion runs deeper than reading the Bible and praying. It's a way of life... living for Him.
I need to seek His face... not to lose too much ground...

don't let the flame burn out... right?

so...

2008-08-26T21:58:00.000-07:00

So I lied about keeping this updated while I was in El Salvador and Nicaragua... yup that's right I went to Nicaragua too!

The internet was crazy slow there... when I was even able to get on it! But this summer was AMAZING! It's hard to even begin to describe everything I learned and all the experiences that I had. All I can say is that it was incredible!

I spent all of June in El Salvador and then I had the opportunity to go to Nicaragua so I took it and I spent all of July in Nica. I was there as a MAPS intern with King's Castle Ministries and it was incredible. I definately want to go back at some point... I mean that is where my heart it. That ministry is a ministry I could do for the rest of my life. Reaching children throughout the world with the message of Jesus Christ. It was normal for me to help witness to around 1,000 to 2,000 children each week and lead hundreds or thousands of those children to Christ. Also I was able to witness many healings and miracles... it was the greatest experience of my life... hands down!

Now time to pay off those loans so I can get back out on the field...

2 days...

2008-05-30T11:39:00.000-07:00

I only have two days until I leave for El Salvador! Wohoo! My plane takes off at 1:30 AM on Sunday! yay! That is a red eye flight for sure!

I'm so excited but still a little nervous... I'm still short on my support money and time is running out! The past two days I've gotten a lot of money in the mail which I am super grateful for and I'm just praying that the rest comes in soon so I can de-stress a little before I take off.

Also, I just found out I may be spending some of my time helping the King's Castle in Nicaragua! So exciting! I seriously can't wait!

Obviously life has been crazy these past few weeks preparing for this trip... I've been working here and there, I got all four of my wisdom teeth pulled, moved all my stuff from my house in Santa Cruz to Modesto, and I've been scrambling to figure out my financial situation for this trip.

Well, I will try to keep this updated while I'm there... so look for pics and stuff!

My CrAzY Life

2008-04-28T20:45:00.000-07:00

A few people have asked me why I haven't blogged in a while (aka like the only ppl who actually read this and care... maybe 4 of you... ha ha)
Anyways...
My life has been insane! There is so much going on right now and time is flying by... my time here in Santa Cruz is slowly slipping out of my hands and I am so sad.

I have like 4 days til graduation and it is bringing mixed feelings. I took my last final as an undergrad this morning and it was such a relief but as I was leaving Bethany I started crying because I realized that test was the ending of the four craziest, best, and worst years of my life... the years that have made me who I am today, that have grown me closer to God, challenged me in ways I never thought possible, and brought amazing people into my life. I have experienced my lowest lows and highest highs on the Bethany campus and it is hard and a little scary to imagine my life without it.

Graduation is on saturday... probably the last time I will see alot of my friends that I have known these past four years and that is hard. Also, I'm scared because I still can't really answer the "what are you doing after college" question.

Who knows...

SO... quick update... past month or so:
-still haven't gotten everything confirmed for El Salvador- been working hard to get it all together but it's really stressing me out... especially the finances

-Dad injured his back really badly, he is on workman's comp and can't really move much

-Parent's truck broke down, they are in a real tuff spot and it's killing me

-My best friend had her baby as well as a couple other people I know.

-Computer tweaked out and I lost all my final papers and I am having to re-do them

-Having a huge issue with some units at Bethany

-Have huge issues with $$$$$$

-Found my dress for graduation... finally! (if only I can find shoes too! :))

that's about it... boring, but really fast paced right now.

Outta the US

2008-03-31T21:19:00.000-07:00

I'm ready to get out of the US! Ah! :) I get so anxious when I know I get to leave soon... I love being in other countries doing ministry... I LOVE IT! :)

Anyways...

just wanted to say that God is amazing and I have gotten around $1,000 or maybe a little more in the past two weeks. Now I can buy my plane ticket tomorrow...

which means....
I'm off to El Salvador on June 1! Wohoo!!!!

SOOOOO excited right now!

Light

2008-03-21T17:00:00.000-07:00

I was talking with my friend I few days ago about how amazing it is that God reveals who He is in different ways to different people. Each person can be moved or touched in a completely different way than the person next to them. He knows what touches our hearts and speaks to the deepest parts of our beings.

I say all of this because recently I've been so moved and touched by the beauty around me, specifically light. Light is what makes shines on creation and makes it more beautiful to the eye... It reflects off water to create a sensation that is indescribable in words, it reveals the detail of a flower or a leaf, it makes the snow sparkle, or puts a glisten on some one's face.

Last weekend as we were leaving the young adult trip to Tahoe, I could see all the beautiful trees, mountains, and snow that surrounded us on our drive. On the way there I wasn't able to enjoy this view because it was extremely dark and we had been in the car for about ten hours thanks to traffic... anyways as I observed the scene that I had missed before I was amazed... from the light reflected off the lake to the snow glistening on the mountains, that place was beautiful. The light made it beautiful.

I sat outside to day just watching the evergreens and newly blossomed trees in the wind and my heart was filled with admiration for the creator of all this. And as cheesy as it sounds I began thinking about all of the passages in the Bible that compare us to light. Light brings out the beauty in the world, it makes creation glisten... so how much more are we called to do the same. We are the (metaphorical :)) light of the world... So shouldn't we bring out the beauty in God's creation... shine upon others and make them glisten... let God's light reflect on us so the world can see His beauty as we can see it in nature.

Just sitting outside made God's presence so much more real and allowed me to think of scriptures I've read my life in a different way. Just thought I would share...

God is amazing and his creation is beyond words to describe... He takes time to put every detail into every flower petal, every blade of grass.... he knows all the stars... and he knows me (better than I will ever know myself)... My savior is amazing and I am in awe.

Going to El Salvador

2008-03-19T14:19:00.000-07:00

It's getting closer to the time I am supposed to leave, but I still haven't been able to purchase my ticket..

Money... I hate it. I haven't had enough money donated to purchase a ticket yet...

It's really hard trusting God will provide right now in the financial area... everything is lookin pretty thin...

I know God has provided every time in the past but this is the most important trip to me... Not only does it finally complete everything I've been working for these past 4 years, but I finally get to experience the missions field alone and for longer than a few weeks.

I'm just so nervous and stressed that this isn't going to work. The cost is going up by the day and no more money is coming in... I still need around $3,000.

I love...

2008-03-07T21:58:00.002-08:00

random chats with good friends...

driving alone with the windows down and the heat turned up...

singing as loud as I can and dancing around...

cute new rubber ducks...

being taken care of by my mom when I'm sick...

doing absolutely nothing and not worrying about what needs to get done...

taking a nice walk...

laying in the grass stargazing...

good chinese food...

Just a few of the things I've enjoyed this spring break! Hope everyone had a great week! :)

El Salvador Update...

2008-02-29T13:07:00.000-08:00

I'm getting nervous... It's getting close to purchasing and paying time and I'm short... In the past it's always been hard for me to raise money for missions trips because I don't really have family... I mean I do but they wouldn't even send me $1 for this thing...

so right now I have about $950 raised out of $3500... and I have no idea how to raise the rest of it. I'm just trusting God will provide, like he always does!

So can you all PLEASE keep me in your prayers that this will work out.

Not only am I super excited about this and want to do it more than anything, I NEED to do this to complete my degree... it's the last 6 units

Thanks to all of you who have been praying or who have supported me... it means alot! And extra thanks to the CLC leadership team for your support! You guys are AMAZING! :)

THE question

2008-02-24T12:48:00.000-08:00

The question everyone feels it is necessary to ask... the question that drives me insane... the question that makes me want to scream...
So what are you doing after you graduate?

AHHHH!!! I hate that question.

It's frustrating and scary... My option right now is to move home and be a preschool teacher... but that's not what I want. It's the easy thing, the comfortable thing, the thing that guarantees money flow... but when I think about it, when I pray about it, when I talk about it... everything inside of me screams NNNOOOOOOO!!!!

That's not what I want... that's not where my heart is...

It is what I have lined up right now... I'm suppose to graduate in May, go to El Salvador to do my internship in June, come to Modesto and be a preschool teacher in August/September...

but I DON'T WANT TO!!!!

I want to do ministry.... I want to do missions... I want to stay in El Salvador and never come back...

I want to do youth ministries... I want to work with orphans... I want to go to other countries...

People ask what I feel God is calling me to do... and well honestly... right now I feel He is pulling me toward going to Southwestern University to get my masters in Intercultural Ministry. Which I totally would be stoked about doing BUT that would require more debt, more loans, more money that I don't have and can't do... I already have about $50,000 in debt from Bethany... how can I go to SAGU and get more in debt...

I just don't get it...

I just want to be out on the field doing missions work... I just wish God would show me the way and open the door...

Obedience...

2008-02-08T20:21:00.000-08:00

Genesis has been challenging me lately...

Looking at the story of Noah... I mean usually we look at it and see the Ark, the rain, and the rainbow...
but there's so much more there.

People always overlook Noah's obedience. Noah spent years (over a 100 I do believe- correct me if I'm wrong) to build a huge box that could hold a bunch of animals to prevent mankind from being destroyed by a flood caused by rain and it had never even rained before... do you know what kind of faith that would take?

People had to think Noah was crazy... they probably mocked him... yet he listened to God.

I remember someone saying "Partial obedience is disobedience". That challenges me... How many times do I only partially follow what God has asked me to do... how many times do I partially obey God...

It's so easy to pick and choose what to listen to... to say ok God I'll do that, but I'll do it this way...

Can you imagine what would have happened if Noah partially obeyed God? If he would have decided to make a smaller arc or no arc at all? But he didn't he obeyed God completely...

Noah's story has really challenged me this past week.. if only more of us could have a heart like Noah...

My RanDoMneSS

2008-02-03T20:47:00.000-08:00

As most of you know... I think too much... I mean I think about everything all the time... my brain never stops... and a lot of times I have very random thoughts... It's really bad but I have trouble paying attention to anything bc of this... and I'll be the first to admit, I'm a horrible listener because one thing someone says can make me think of a million other things and then I get distracted and space off into Jeni's world...

So what do I think about... here's some insight into some thoughts I've had recently...

- I wonder what we would do without windsheild wipers... do they really do much for you... (on the freeway with a friend in the car talking to me about the rain... so i turn them off for a few secs to see what would happen... not a good idea)

- Why do some nuts have nut in the name and not others, like peanut vs. almond... why don't we call them alnuts or almonuts or something (during convo with someone eating peanuts)

- Do other people constantly have a song playing in their head or is that just me (talking on the phone, getting distracted by play that funky music in my head)

- Why are people so crazy at sports events... it's insane... fights, screaming all over a game (watching the super bowl)

- Why does the poem talk about roses being red... not all roses are red... how are there different colored roses... (talking to friend walking past flowers)

- I want a duck farm... why are ducks yellow... I mean all the ducks I collect are usually yellow, but real ducks really aren't... I wonder why... (this morning in church- yea I know I'm horrible... someone said something I thought of ducks...)

- I wonder if I would have to dress diferently if I was a pastors wife... could I keep my nose ring... do all pastors wifes have to be capable of singing or playing the piano... I wonder if I'll ever sing or play the piano (seeing Rachel sitting next to Bobby ha ha)

- Did those windows really change the way the sanctuary looks... how do windows do that... is that just our perception of light or is the window bending the light differently or something... how does that work... I wish I would've payed more attention in science... hmmm... (Pastor Ed pointing out the new windows)

- I wonder why God made so many different trees, types of grass, and flowers... why are they green... I mean I know it has to do with it not absorbing that color... but why green... (staring at a tree outside my class...)

-Why do I always say "it's not even funny"... it obviously isn't funny, so why do I state it... (right after saying my head hurts so bad it's not even funny)

- Why do donuts have holes in them... was it merely for the invention of the donut hole or is there a real reason... I mean why couldn't they just be round, or square... why the hole... really why... (while Krispy Kreme was being handed out at church)

Ok... so I think thats enough insight into my strange mind for one post... ha ha

AMAZED...

2008-01-29T17:40:00.000-08:00

I am amazed... truely in awe of my savior.

This past week has just been amazing...

God has really been working on me, my heart, and revealing a lot to me.

He has been re-confirming my call to missions and giving me a new confidence in that calling.

But most importantly, he is showing me the depth of his love and I am falling more in love with him everyday... I've never felt the way I'm feeling right now and it's exciting.

God truely is my everything.

I've been spending alot of time flat out on my face before God, reading His word and just pressing forward lately. And for the first time I'm resting in His word, His love, His promise... I'm trusting Him and having faith in Him...

I was tired of trying to be perfect on my own for Him, tired of trying and failing, of never feeling ok, of always feel inadequate...

and you know what... I don't anymore... I'm resting assured in His love and in His promise to never leave me and to continue His work in me. I am learning the only way to be made perfect is through God's grace and the cross (I've been reading alot of Ephesians and Philipians)...

I've really been focusing on just resting in Him and He is answering all these prayers I've prayed for so long... He is giving me peace and joy... He is healing my heart and speaking in to my life...

I'm losing my fears and getting ready to jump out into the world... I'm still a little scared but I'm a whole lot more confident! :)

It's funny how when you listen to God, He answers you...

This passion in me is finally coming out... the burden He has placed on my heart for the nations is stirring... My heart aches to reach out and show the world His love... Because I'm not scared anymore. I'm not holding on to those things from the past. I want to go... I want His glory to shine through my life and to take on His burdens...

I wish...

2008-01-27T15:48:00.000-08:00

churches didn't cause so much pain...

I look at what churches have done to my parents and my family and I'm disgusted.

I know it's because churches are ran by people and people definately aren't perfect... but it's the church... the body of Christ.... the place that is suppose to show God's unconditional love to the world.

Christians are suppose to reflect God's love. To be rooted in His love, produce good fruit from that love, and seek to love all people as Christ does...

but no... the majority of my experiences with churches, christians, and christian leaders are just the opposite of love...

they cause pain... they cause anguish... the church is hurtful... christians are hurtful...
(I realize as a Christian I'm pointing a finger at myself... but it's true)

I've never seen so much immaturity and hurtfulness within a group that is supposed to be about loving the world.

It kills me...

I know one of my greatest gifts is encouragement and support, and I love doing both... I love encouraging people, I love supporting people... but why do I want to encourage and support something that breaks my heart...

I know God has called me to ministry... but I don't want to be what I have experienced... I want to love and encourage people not break them down...
and I...
I am broken...

I'm a proud auntie!!!

2008-01-23T03:42:00.000-08:00

I'm an aunt therefore I have the right to brag... I think my niece and nephews are the cutest ever... So here is the first born:

This is miss McKayla... she is 4 and she has my heart... I love this girl. This is her face after she opened the present I got her for Christmas... isn't she adorable?

This is the newest addition to the family... just born on Jan 14...

His name is Josiah Crocker... isn't he so cute? I wish I could've been there when he was born!!! dang it!

This is the brother and the sister together... so adorable! I just love them so much!

Finally... my little punk nephew, Silas... he is 18 months and as cute as can be...

see what I mean? I snapped this pic on Christmas... he was playing peek-a-boo with me!

Here he is again...

...the cutest little boy ever!

I love being an aunt... it's probably my favorite thing ever... and the best thing is... I have one more on the way! Wohoo!

I can't decide...

2008-01-22T12:21:00.000-08:00

If I should take this job I got at Starbucks or stay at my nanny position...

Ok so if I go to Starbucks (at Safeway) I'll get at least 24 hours a week and I'll make $8.50 an hour.
Also, after a few months working there (even at part time) I'll get benefits such as medical... (right now I have my dads but once I graduate I'm on my own...)

If I stay at the nanny job I get between 12 and 30 hours a week at $12 an hour... it's under the table so there are no taxes...

I really want to take the Starbucks job but I'm scared I won't make enough money to pay all my bills and live on... I have to make at least 600 a month... thats a min. amount just to pay bills and stuff... so yeah...

But those kids i nanny for are driving me insane... i don't know how much longer i can handle them...

what do you think i should do?

El Salvador!

2008-01-17T16:38:00.000-08:00

So I just I just printed out all 100 copies of my lovely support letter... every year I add a photo at the beginning of the letter which is very me and has to do with the trip I'm going on... so this year this is my photo... me pointing to El Salvador on the huge map I have hanging on my wall... It's pretty much amazing... I'm not gonna lie I am super nervous about this trip because I only have four months to finish planning it out, raise the money, get my butt across the stage and to El Salvador... ah! But it always works out... it just scares me the whole way until I land outside of the US.

Thursday

2008-01-12T19:54:00.000-08:00

Was my last first day of school as an undergrad at Bethany... so weird. Its funny because I only have 9 units I have to take this semester... I mean there are only three blank spots left on my transcript.

I remember being overwhelmed as a freshman and thinking I could never fill all those blanks in four years...

now here I am wondering where the heck all that time went...

Resolutions...

2008-01-09T15:10:00.000-08:00

It's that time of year... ya know all the goals for the next year are being planned out... so inspired by a friend I thought I'd re-visit last years goals.

1. Spend time with God everyday
Ok... so I spent more time with God than normal but I can't say that I did it on a daily basis...

2. Figure out what I want to do when I graduate
HA HA HA HA... here I am four month prior to graduating and I still haven't figured this one out! oh man!

3. Go bungee jumping off a bridge
I was supposed to do this for my b-day but it didn't work out... this is my resolution again! dang it! :)

4. Dedicate more time working out for softball so I will be more on top of my game as a senior
Another funny one... see I did start working out more til I completely blew my arm out... I had surgery in the summer and now I can't really play anymore... sad...

5. Read through the whole OT
I started to do this but I only got through Judges and then I stopped... I should pick this back up... the OT is quite interesting...

6. Get to know people at church better
I think I accomplished this... too bad two of the people from church that I loved the most had to pack up and leave... oh well new year, new people...

7. Get more involved at church
I think I accomplished this as well... Youth group... life groups... ya know...

8. Go to Bolivia in May
This definately did not happen... but it was suppose to... there were just too many political issues so I couldn't go... sad

9. Get a mentor and be a mentor
I did this as well! I was being mentored by this pretty awesome person (Rachel Hopkins) but she moved away... so sad... and I meet up with a girl from the youth group once a week... it's pretty awesome

10. Stick to Weight Watchers and lose more weight
Did this for the majority of the year and I did lose more weight... however, when I stopped in like Oct it all came back rather quickly... I think it's time to pick it up again... hmmmm... shall I start the two weeks of death? I think I'm gonna start this next week...

So I guess I didn't do too bad... For this year
1. Finish reading the OT
2. Find a mentor, be a mentor (i like this one alot)
3. Start working out again
4. Weight Watchers
5. Go bungee jumping
6. Graduate! Wohoo! And figure out wht to do with my life after I graduate
7. Do my internship in El Salvador! (so excited about this one)
8. Stay involved with youth ministries (I'm actually thinking that i would love being a youth pastor one day... something I'm praying about)
9. Pray outloud more often- sieze every opporitunity I have to pray for or with someone
10. Pay off my credit card bills

Anyone have any suggestions or resolutions of their own? :)

I am Israel

2008-01-07T16:28:00.000-08:00

I was reading through Acts and Jeremiah and I started getting frustrated with Israel. I mean why were they so dumb? Why didn’t they learn? They would love and serve God, then rebel and disobey him, He would punish them, they would suffer a while, then they repent, and God saves them, then they love Him and worship Him again… then the cycle repeats itself over and over and over again… it’s ridiculous.
So as I was reading I got frustrated and just closed the Bible and started to pray. In my head I was thinking why can’t these people just learn from their past and dedicate their lives to God and continually serve him. I was so annoyed.
Then I felt convicted. Who am I to judge Israel? I’m just like them. I do the same thing… make the same mistakes over and over again… I never learn. Why can’t I just learn from my past… learn from the Israelites… just serve Him and trust Him. Why do I turn from the only one who is faithful to me and loves me unconditionally.
But I don’t. I ignore who God really is. I am a wretched human being. I am nothing. I continually fail Him. And yet God still loves me… why? It’s crazy.
How can I ever serve Him and love Him the way He deserves to be. I mean I am just like Israel…

For Bobby :)

2008-01-03T17:28:00.000-08:00

Since Bobby always posts about the fun things/people he sees on pac ave, I thought I would too. I was walking down Pac Ave with a friend when we saw this man... He was covered from head to toe in orange, walking down the street singing different songs... When we passed him I thought I have to take a picture and send it to Bobby... but ya know since he's a lameo and doesn't text at all... I thought I'd post it.

Next thing just for Bobby:

Shuffled iPod: Bobby had a post about the first 5 songs that came up on his iPod when he put it on shuffle so I thought I'd do it to... I mean it's kinda fun :)

So here goes:

1-"Message in a Bottle" -John Mayer

2- "Imaginary" -Evanescence

3- "Symbol in my driveway" -Jack Johnson

4- "Just to See You Smile" -Tim McGraw

5- "Sea of Faces" -Kutless

So there... not bad songs... suprised none of my Relient K or Dean Martin came up... I have a ton of their stuff :)

Hope you read this Bobby.... i mean it is for you :)

You know your house is cold when...

2008-01-02T17:12:00.000-08:00

You can see your breath
Your shower gel is so icy you have to run it under warm water in order to squeeze it out
The inside of your refrigerator feels warm
You sleep in thermals, pj pants, and sweats and your still cold
You have to use at least four blankets at night
You dump ice into your sink before you go to bed and it's still there in the morning
You have to wear gloves and a beanie to bed
The thermometer in your house is below 50
You take a shower just to get warm
You take every opportunity you have to bake something just to feel the warmth of the stove

yup... my house has all these signs and more... curse my heater being broken and not being able to reach the people who were suppose to fix it a few weeks ago... curse my wood getting wet because the tarp somehow got ripped... ugh...

I'm frozen and I can't take much more! ah!

Scotts Valley Property Management stinks...

Hey everybody!

2007-12-26T17:04:00.000-08:00

I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas! I know I did. It was a typical crazy Christmas in the Crocker household....

There was fighting (it just isn't a family gathering without this), lots of food preparation and eating, ER visit/scare, mexican train, overcooked steak, undercooked pie, my nose ring being ripped out and eaten by my moms dog, and the huge burn on my arm... but I must say my family has some of the best present givers around and it was a pretty amazing Christmas after all.

I love my family.

I want MORE!!!

2007-12-23T22:00:00.000-08:00

It's so hard to describe how I feel right now. There are no words for the condition my heart is in. It aches not out of pain but out of desperation. I long for more.
I just want to touch His robe. As the song says, I want to lean back against him and breathe. I want to feel his heart beat.
My love for him is astounding. I am overwhelmed with this love for Him, so much that it hurts. My heart wants to explode. He is my life force, my passion, my one true love. No one and nothing can ever amount to Him.
But I know it's not enough, and I want more.
I want the passion I have in my heart for Him to guide my every way. I want my love for him to be evident in all I do and say. I want to him to be the reason I wake every morning. I want my passion for Him to guide my steps, leading me in his will and closer to him.
I want more of God. I want to feel him around me. I want to soak Him in. I want to love Him with everything I have. I want that love and passion to pour from me.

Yet... I find myself here. In this same spot every time. I have extreme highs and lows in my faith. And I'm tired of the struggling, tired of the wrestling with God for control. I want to let go. I want to dive in, give in, let him guide me. I want to know what it is to walk by faith. I just don't know how.
I get here and lose it. There is something in my way and I don't know what it is. It's a very real barrier and I feel it there. It's there when I think, there when I pray, there when I read, there when I worship... it's always there. I cry before him and it is there. I don't know what it is and I don't know how to break through.
It's painful because all I want is to be on the other side... to touch him... to live wholeheartedly for him. But I can't... there's a barrier in my way... It's holding me back and all I want is MORE of Him...

Excitement!

2007-12-20T15:27:00.000-08:00

I just made some arrangements for my cross-cultural internship this summer and I finally picked a location: El Salvador! yay! I'm super excited...

I will probably leave the middle of May and get back in August or Sep sometime... I really can't wait. It's going to be amazing!

So.... you know if any of you wanna support me with dinero (also known as money or cash) or just by praying that would be amazing! :)

When I'm there I'll be helping in a school, doing street ministry, working along side missionaries, and just working with children.

I'm going to finally get to see if missions is really what I want to do with the rest of my life. I can't wait.

I LOVE JESUS! :)

Simple Church???

2007-12-19T21:09:00.000-08:00

I must say I've had my doubts about this new trend called the "Simple Church"... it just seems like a new revised "Emerging Church". While I find the ideas great and think that they can be integrated into a church to create a more healthy church... I am just tired of the church following trend after trend... We want to promote health and growth in the church, yet instead of following Christ we follow trends...

When will we learn?

ugh...

I think this guy has a perspective that I agree with the most:
http://www.newswithviews.com/PaulProctor/proctor127.htm

He may be a little more harsh than I would be... but seriously I just can't stand all the programs, philosophies, strategies, and on and on that I have seen forced into the church over the years... being a pk I've seen a lot of stuff like this come and go and I just have to think what makes this strategy any different...

I'm up to hear other thoughts... maybe my view is skewed...

(P.S. it's not that I disagree with the morals and values promoted by the simple church... I am just tired of the church following the popular trend. Also, I know I do not know as much as I could about the Simple Church... I just strongly dislike the kalidescope of movements and re-definitions that the church has gone through over the past years)

You know what's crazy...

2007-12-19T14:40:00.000-08:00

Time goes by faster every year...

I just registered for my last semester at Bethany...

It's insane... I feel like just yesterday I walked on the campus for the first time.

Graduation brings with it life's greatest question: WHAT THE CRAP AM I SUPPOSE TO DO NOW?

I have no idea... but I do know it's gonna be great...

I'm trusting God has it in His hands... we'll see where He takes me.

I'm just ready for a great adventure...

Speaking of which... Missy and I are planning to road trip it on the 26th... final destination: Vancouver, Canada... we want some maple syrup... it's gonna be great... and if Canada doesn't work out... It's all about Mexico... we just want a roadtrip really bad and we don't even care about money right now... we just wanna go... :)

Strike the water!

2007-12-15T14:32:00.000-08:00

Those are the most amazing three words I've probably ever heard in my life.

As the final youth service on Thursday PK and Rachel wrote out sticky notes to each of us and then took turns explaining them... PK did mine and it simply said: "Strike the water!"

(yup... I framed it :))

Now most people were surprised PK did mine and not Rachel, as was I at first, but it meant so much to me that he did...

See PK and I have talked over the previous month or so about what I wanted to do with my life (which I have no clue), what my passion is (again, no clue), what I enjoy doing (no clue), and what God has called me to do (u guessed it... no clue).

But from my many conversations with him I have really grown spritually, been challenged in my faith and way of thinknig, and discovered some of the things I am good at and enjoy... I love to serve and do things for others, I love encouraging people, I love supporting people, I'm good at connecting with teenagers, I'm passionate about what I do, and I'm a unique leader for whatever reasons that may be...

My point is... over the past few months I've gaining confidence in who I am in Christ because of his encouragement and leadership in my life...

AND nothing could top those three words... Strike the water..

They hit me deep... PK knows, more than anyone, about all this passion I have in me, this love for God... it's all there... but I bundle it up... I'm scared of it... scared if I let it out I will fail... but he told me to strike the water... To stop being timid and scared...

I guess I need to just strike the water... cross over... let the passion and love for Christ out of me so God can do amazing things through me...

And it still scares me... but PK has given me so much confidence and those three words will stay with me forever... (especially since they are framed)

I'm still trying to figure it all out... but I know I'm heading in the right direction and one day... This passion for God inside of me will be the guiding force of my life... I just have to let it...

I can't believe it...

2007-12-14T15:50:00.000-08:00

or well... I don't want to believe it...

PK and Rachel are gone.

I helped them finish packing, move out, and clean up the house today... it was sad watching that house empty out...

Then watching them drive away...

I cried uncontrollably.

This stinks.

My youth group is AMAZING!

2007-12-12T11:51:00.000-08:00

This is the best youth group ever...

I seriously LOVE this youth group

Unhealthy???

2007-12-10T22:36:00.000-08:00

So in order to get through all the finals, studying, papers, and projects I am working on today I have drank 2 cups of coffee and I am currently on my second energy drink of the night...

I think I'm going to have a heart attack or something...

funny thing is... I'm still tired and can't concentrate very well! AH!

I just need to get through this week!

(my procrastination skills are killing me right now!)

I HATE finals!

2007-12-10T16:17:00.000-08:00

I really do hate finals week... but this week is hard for a number of other reasons...
the hardest is that Rachel and Kyle will be gone in 4 days and I can't take it. I don't know how to say goodbye. I know I'll stay in contact with them but it will never be the same... And I will miss their two little girls like crazy!

They have poured more into my life then anyone I've ever met and have helped me to build a solid foundation on Christ. I have learned sooo much from them and I couldn't ask for greater spiritual mentors.

PK has really helped me to fall in love with ministry and to see that I can be used. And Rachel... well she has just changed my life for the best... I could never thank her enough. She didn't just change my relationship with Christ, but every aspect of my life and who I am. She challenges me all the time to be a better person and to change the way I think and see things. They are two AMAZING people.

I just wish this season of my life where I have their support, encouragement, example, and them pouring into my life wasn't over... Working in their youth group these past years has been the greatest experience of my life.

So I must say Rachel is the cutest pregnant lady ever! I will miss her so much...

I just want to GO

2007-12-05T19:24:00.000-08:00

Why does God give me this passion... this overwhelming passion... I want to go to the ends of the earth for Him... I want to work with children and youth... I want to change lives in His name...

When I think about people in the world, the hurting, the lost, the children, I cry and I just want to go be His hands and feet so bad it hurts...

but I can't... I'm here doing school... and what's next? Grad school?

I want to do the engage program (in Mexico) through Southwestern University soooo bad... but I just don't know if it's going to work out. I know God has everything in His hands I just don't understand why He gives me this passion and urgency when I can't use it in the here and now... I feel like I'm wasting it...

Sometimes I wonder if it's my fault... I wonder if because I rejected the calling He placed on my life and threw the passion I once had for missions to the side for different relationships in my life if He didn't take it back...

A great mentor of mine once told me God gives each of us gifts and callings to use, and if we don't use them He takes them back because they're not ours they're His. So did I mess this up by being young and stupid or is missions still what I'm called to do?

All I know is I want to serve, I want to get dirty, I want to encourage people, I want to love people, I want to make a difference, and more than anything I want to reflect God in ALL that I do...

I know He's calling me to something greater than where and what I am now... I just can't see it yet

Youth Convention

2007-12-03T15:25:00.000-08:00

was pretty amazing and eventful...

It all started at Arby's in Fairfield... we thought we were making a quick 10 to 15 minute stop for food... but no one predicted my big blonde moment... So I haven't told anyone the real story (only Hailey bc she was in my car).

So about five minutes in to the drive I realized I forgot something important... deodorant... I hadn't put it on that day and well that's crucial for the pleasure of the noses around me. So the whole time I'm driving that's all I can think about. I was super conscious of it... so after a huge chunk of metal flies at my car from underneath Shamu we pull over to eat at Arby's... I'm super stoked because I can finally put deodorant on.

After everyone goes in and I order my food I go out to my car to put it on... just as I think I'm home free and no one is around PK walks out of Arby's... in an attempt to keep him from seeing me I jump up really quick (for some reason I think it's really embarassing for ppl to see me doing this.... esp guys). When I jump up the keys fall out of my pocket, on to my seat, and thus, I locked my keys in the car.

And the 10 min stop turned in to an hour because we had to wait for the tow truck... so we in return hit a bunch of traffic all because I forgot to put deodorant on... dang it! :)

The only eventful things after this was a man trying to break into the van with all the girls in it, Rachel freaking out and hitting a tree, lightsaber wars, Rachel bursting in to song in the middle of Starbucks, and our fire alarm going off at 1am... other than that... egh... uneventful wknd.

Recap pics:

Hailey and Justine were in my room... good times :)

Probably the best pic ever of Rachel...

Hailey and Jeremy Wick batteling it out... in my opinion Hailey rocked the lightsaber better but Jeremy may tell you otherwise... don't listen he has a big head

Everyday...

2007-11-28T15:19:00.001-08:00

yup... that's right I've been posting like everyday. I'm such a lame-o. I don't even have anything interesting to say. But I will give a quick life update... 10 points of my life to be exact:

1. Still trying to look at all the positives in Rachel and PK leaving. I know it's so exciting for them and I'm excited for them too but I will miss them so much AND it is killing me to see how much these youth kids are hurting.

2. The semester is coming to an end which is good... but I have more homework to get done than I have time to do... it's serious (i could be working on that now i guess, but this is my break which is why i've been posting so much).

3. Life group has been really hard. We haven't really been able to have it for the past couple weeks and it just seems that it's not going as planned...

4. I'm freaking out about this American Institutions thing... I have to graduate on time... this one little 3 unit class can NOT keep me in college for another semester! heck no!

5. I might be moving back on campus next semester because i think it may be better for my stress level and happiness at this point in my life... and if I live on campus I'll most likely get to live with Elyssa who is one of the coolest ppl ever!

6. I'm having trouble understanding God. What else is new right? I just really really want to hear Him... but really my question is "How do you really know it's God?" In the past I've always said I know it's God because I just get a peace about it. I backed that up with some experiences and with Romans 9:1 "I speak the truth in Christ—I am not lying, my conscience confirms it in the Holy Spirit"... but really is that all there is because I have a peace about absolutely nothing lately...

7. I have no clue what to do with my life... Necesito un plan para mi vida... I will graduate with a BA in Intercultural Early Childhood Development... long title for I have no clue what the heck I want to do with my BA... I do know I want to do some kind of ministry and to work with children and/or youth... I've always thought that children were my passion but over this past year I've fallen in love with youth ministry... I just don't know what that means. HELP ME! :)

8. I'm ready to be happy, smile, and love life :)

9. I've spent way too much money on christmas presents for people over the past few weeks... but i luv it.

10. I want a new job so badly... i really really need one!

Well that's all for now... the 10 points of my life :) Hope you all are having a great week.

Photos from the past year...

2007-11-26T18:17:00.000-08:00

So a friend and I were looking through the pictures of me I have actually saved on my computer from the past year and we noticed a few things: 1. I am strange 2. I stick my tongue out way too much in pics 3. I really don't take many normal pics 4. I've changed alot since last semester....

Here are a few we thought depicted me the best :)

I'm hoping that saying this was taken during finals week will help explain it!

My mom never told me I had to drink with my mouth and not my nose...

The classic

I love In-n-out... what can i say?

There really is no explination for this... it's just me and kimbo doin our thing...

the one and only snowman i've ever made... ha

I miss this shirt... who took it?

getting the hair dyed... ya know

another tongue pic... of course

This is what I did last jan as a first day of school outfit... aren't I cool?

We are savage!

Pretty much... I'm cool and I take weird pics... the one of me with the eye black is probably the most normal picture I have of myself. I am special.

But I do miss the crazy hair and make-up and my fun clothes... idk why I don't wear em anymore... i guess I'm growing up... so sad :)

Today...

2007-11-25T15:41:00.000-08:00

was probably the hardest Sunday in my life... I've never dreaded going to church so much... and I've never dreaded hearing Kyle speak before...

Today just made PK and Rachel leaving more real. I love them, support them, and I'm super excited for them... but to be honest this sucks....
I don't want to lose my mentor and spiritual leader. Rachel is the only sister I've ever had and PK is the greatest pastor and spiritual leader I've ever had. 2 weeks just isn't enough time...

I just hope and pray the promises to stay in contact with each other stay true bc I can't imagine them not being apart of my life. Rachel is the person I always want to tell about everything exciting, new, hard, and crazy. PK is the one who baptized me and I want him to be the minister who marries me one day. I love them so much.

What I'm Thankful for...

2007-11-22T20:28:00.000-08:00

-I'm thankful that I had a place to go this Thanksgiving (thank you Pastor Ed & Bobby)...

-that I have a wonderful home church here in Santa Cruz that is very welcoming

-for my family

-for my amazing friends

-for my pastors (Ed, Bobby, and Kyle)

-that I have someone to go shopping with tomorrow morning (thanks Elyssa)

-for cell phones and texting so I can stay in touch

-for God always being so good even when I don't realize it :)

-for my wonderful mentor who is always there to support me (Rachel H)

-stars

-waves

-the smell of Christmas

Things that I'm not thankful for:

-my family leaving me alone this thanksgiving and going to Arkansas without me

-American Institutions

-changes

-turkey, cranberry sauce, and gravy :)

-never ending homework

-the SF Giants

man...

2007-11-21T15:57:00.000-08:00

The past few days have been crazy...

I thought I had a bad day Monday until yesterday happened.
Yesterday I found out that two of my favorite people in the world, my mentors, my teacher, my pastors, the only sister I've ever had, my role models, my leaders, and my most trusted friends are moving to Washington. It broke my heart to hear it. BUT I know it is the right thing for them and that it will be an amazing adventure. They are leaving their youth pastor position here in Santa Cruz to be the senior pastors at a small church in Washington. I know that God has amazing things for them there but it is soooo hard to say goodbye. I don't want them to go... or I at least want to go with them! Dang it! :)

Also, I found out that there is a slight chance I won't graduate next semester. I have this one class in my way... American Institutions. I have to go talk to the professor because I need to at least get a credit for this class but there have been a lot of complications and it's not offered next semester. I'm already going to graduate with the maximum amount of units pending (6) because I have to do a cross-cultural teaching internship for my major and I can't do that til the summer. Other than the internship I only have 9 units to take next semester so I hope this works out... I would hate to not graduate bc of one class... 3 units... ugh... I talk the the professor next week... pray that it goes well.

Other than all this, life is great! :) Maybe tomorrow will cheer me up.

The Bible...

2007-11-14T19:46:00.000-08:00

Ok... so it's always a goal of mine to read the Bible everyday... but I never really do it... I mean I read a psalm everyday but that doesn't count to me.

I used to get frustrated with this fact because I thought that I wasn't a "good christian" if I didn't read my Bible... and while I know it's a good thing to read the Bible everyday and it really does help me throughout the day it's hard for me to just sit down and read... It's not enough.

When I read my Bible, I READ my Bible... I study it... I read a passage through like 15 times, read the references, read the same passage in the Message, read a study Bible, read a commentary, ect. I can't just read the Bible because I always have to know more... I'm never satisfied. I will get stuck on the same scripture for weeks because I want to know the meaning behind it. It kinda drives me nuts.

I mean... I really want to read my Bible and it is a goal every year to read through the entire Bible, but I just can't calm my brain down... my questions lead to more questions and I'm never completely satisfied. My 30 minute reading times turn into 3 hour reading times or 3 day reading times... it's ridiculous.

I know this doesn't seem like something to complain about and I'm not... I just want to know all the stories and people in the Bible so badly. Whenever I start reading I just want more...

My question this past week has been about the transfiguration of Jesus in Mark. I've read several different commentaries on it. But I want to know why Jesus did it. All I've found is that people in biblical times thought of Moses and Elijah as great prophets, and the transfiguration showed the people that Jesus was greater than both of these. Also, it was the first time that Jesus really showed himself as the Son of God. And of course it was a foreshadowing of His crucifixion. But was there something more to it? What was Jesus trying to show, reveal, or teach? What is the importance of this event?

(I have many more where this question came from...)

FINALLY!!!!

2007-11-11T18:43:00.000-08:00

THE RAMS PULL OUT A WIN!

They beat the Saints 37-29 today and I can not even put my excitement into words... usually I would be pissed that they are only 1-8, but I am just satisfied knowing that they are not going to go the entire season without a win.

I know they pretty much suck this year... but I love em... they will always be my team... Plus, I have to keep my motto "It's always next year with the Rams"

I love Marc Bulger again... and maybe there is some hope of him being an alright QB after all...

Here's the story that made my day:

http://www.nfl.com/gamecenter/recap?game_id=29329&displayPage=tab_recap&season=2007&week=REG10

UGH

2007-11-10T03:13:00.000-08:00

why is that every time I think I'm ok... I think I can move on... It just gets worse.

I miss having a best friend. I miss hanging out, random convos, watching heroes, watching other movies and shows and me always falling asleep before it's over... I miss being close.

Right when I think I'm fine and I can handle it, something reminds me I can't.

It almost makes me want to hate God for all of this... but I know that would only make it worse.

I just wish I didn't feel so alone. I'm tired of hurting. I just want my best friend back, but I can't.

Sorry this is so negative. I just can't sleep because this is all so heavy on my heart and in my mind.

I know God is right here with me, but I just don't understand what He is doing. I almost just want to crawl in a box and never come out.

I trusted God when He told me to trust people, to open up, share my life with others... but everytime I just get hurt. Friendships never last, people always leave, there is always pain, and nothing is ever as it seems.

I'm tired of having a broken heart. This has been the worst year of my life... I know I'm stronger, I know my faith has grown, but was it really worth all this heartache, all these mistakes, this embarassment and shame... isn't there another way God? Why must it hurt so bad?
There is only one person I want to call, and it is the only one I can't...

confession...

2007-11-05T20:06:00.000-08:00

I'm obsessed with ducks (i know some of you know this)...

In fact, since I was about 4 years old I have dreamed about having a duck farm... and yes I still want one... well at least I want a pond with ducks in it, or just a couple ducks :)

When I was 5 I had a duck and I named it rubber because I thought it was cute... you know rubber ducky... my mom hated it and I can assume why now...

For now I stick to collecting rubber ducks, stuffed animal ducks, and other duck things...

But trust me, one day I will own a real duck... but here is my current favorite duck, because he is a Dodger fan it makes him the greatest duck ever...

Whats on my mind...

2007-11-02T10:22:00.000-07:00

-Why did God create the world and man if He knew we were going to sin and He was going to have to send His only son to die to save us? (it just doesn't make sense)

-Can someone reach a point of no improvement in their life?

-Why do I want the things I don't/can't have and don't want the things I do/can have?

-Why is it that the Church is suppose to be Christ to the world, to love others, and to have unity, but it is the one place I have felt the most rejection, hatred, and loss of self-worth?

-Do dreams ever reveal your future or God's will or are they merely our subconscious speaking?

-Why do I always make mistakes that hurt me and other people?

-Why does God always seem so far away?

-Why are people so full of hate

-Why is it so hard to find a good job when your in college?

-Why do I want to be done with school so badly but I don't want the end of the year to come?

-What do you do after you graduate college?

-I don't want to live a life of comfort.

-How can I do anything for God when I can't do anything for myself?

-Did God create other worlds or beings?

-How did Isaiah forsee all that he wrote about?

-Why can't I have the kind of faith I read about in the Bible?

-Why is it so hard to understand my own desires, dreams, feelings, and passions?

-Why won't God give me a map and take away my free will if I don't want it because I obviously can't do anything good/right with it

-Why do questions only lead to more questions?

-How do you really know or experience God's love?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reasons for my stress:
-I don't know what I'm doing after I graduate
-I have too much to do and not enough time to do it
-I gave up something to get closer to God, but I feel like I was closer to God and pursuing Him more before I gave that something up
-Relationships
-Family stuff
-I can't handle my current job anymore- I need/want a new one but I can't find one
-I am behind on my homework and I can't seem to catch up
-God Stuff
-Finances
-I can't figure out what God has called me to, what I want to do, what I'm passionate about, or what I'm good at or what I enjoy doing

Release

2007-10-24T17:31:00.000-07:00

God asked me to release everything to Him...

to go back to putting Him as my focus... with everything else on the back burner. It's such a hard step. But I know He wants my passion to be found in Him again.

Sometimes I just wish God was like mapquest...

I wish I could enter:

Starting Destination: Bethany University

End Destination: Heaven

Press enter... and boom... there is a map of my life. But I know it can't be like that. I want Him to tell me what my next step is... what I'm suppose to do. But as a good friend told me, God lights our feet not our path.

So pretty much, I want God to give me a map but He is giving me a compass... but instead of pointing North it points to Him. I'm just not sure how to use it yet.

This is the point in my journey with God when I usually give up... revert to things I used to do, make really bad choices (if you know me well, you know what I'm talking about) but I'm ready to not do that again.

I don't want to go back... for once I want to get through this. I want to get closer to God. I want to get throught this without creating more scars, more damage... I'm willing to do whatever it takes. I've given everything I hold close up to God and I am waiting on Him.

My song right now is "Red Sam" by Flyleaf:

Here I stand

Empty hands

Wishing my wrists were bleeding

To stop the pain from the beatings

There you stood

Holding me

Waiting for me to notice you

But who are you

You are the truth (you are the truth)

I'm screaming these lies

You are the truth (you are the truth)

Saving my life

The warmth of your embrace

Melts my frostbitten spirit

You speak the truth and I hear it

The words are I love you

And I have to believe in you

But who are you

You are the truth (you are the truth)

I'm screaming these lies

You are the truth (you are the truth)

Saving my life

My hands are open

And you are filling them

Hands in the air

In the air, in the air, in the air

And I worship

And I worship (You)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just for fun I decided to mapquest from Bethany to Heaven and this is what came up:

Driving Directions from Bethany University, 800 Bethany Dr, Scotts Valley, CA to Heaven Hill, 1064 Loretto Rd, Bardstown, KY

Ugh...

2007-10-22T19:06:00.000-07:00

I'm frustrated...
I am never satisfied...
My heart is forever heavy...
I don't know where He is calling me to go...
Or if I'm even willing to follow...
I'm scared, I'm a wreck...
I have no clue...

I need a female friend in my life right now...

Dancin in the rain...

2007-10-17T14:29:00.000-07:00

So I am definately one of those people who likes to dance and sing just because it's fun but I am HORRIBLE at both... But you know I don't care... I take pride in my horrible singing and dancing abilities... BUT my all time favorite thing is to dance in the rain... It's so fun and freeing... just let loose and dance! dance! dance!

I love it! So here is a video of me and my friends dancing in the rain... It's the best thing ever to do... this is from a while ago, but I just did this again today :)

Rain Dance

Add to My Profile More Videos

Just thought I would share... now you should go dance... do it Elizabethtown style... you know "dance by yourself with one arm waving over your head" It's seriously the best way to do it :)

How do you respond to this...

2007-10-13T18:14:00.000-07:00

If God doesn't speak to you how do you know He is there?

This was asked of me a few days ago, and I honestly had no response. What do you say to that? The person went on to ask:

How do you know your not making all these sacrifices for nothing?

How do you know God is real if you can't actually feel Him?

How do you know Christianity is the right religion and that everything in the Bible is true? Can't it just be humans writing this stuff down in order to fill the basic questions every human asks?

I wish I could respond to these questions... I wish I had the answers... I wish someone had the answers... I wish they didn't make my head spin in wonderment of God...

So... I decided to google "God" out of curiosity and this is the website I found: http://godisimaginary.com/
This site had 50 reasons why God is imaginary...

It is easy to prove to yourself that God is imaginary. The evidence is all around you. Here are 50 simple proofs:
Try praying
Statistically analyze prayer
Look at all historical gods
Think about science
Read the Bible
Ponder God's plan
Understand religious delusion
Think about Near Death Experiences
Understand ambiguity
Watch the offering plate
Notice that there is no scientific evidence
See the magic
Take a look at slavery
Examine Jesus' miracles
Examine Jesus' resurrection
Contemplate the contradictions
Think about Leprechauns
Imagine heaven
Notice that you ignore Jesus
Notice your church
Understand Jesus' core message
Count all the people God wants to murder
Listen to the Doxology
Ask why religion causes so many problems
Understand evolution and abiogenesis
Notice that the Bible's author is not "all-knowing"
Think about life after death
Notice how many gods you reject
Think about communion
Examine God's sexism
Understand that religion is superstition
Talk to a theologian
Contemplate the crucifixion
Examine your health insurance policy
Notice Jesus' myopia
Realize that God is impossible
Think about DNA
Contemplate the divorce rate among Christians
Realize that Jesus was a jerk
Understand Christian motivations
Flip a coin
Listen when "God talks"
Realize that a "hidden God" is impossible
Think about a Christian housewife
Consider Noah's Ark
Ponder Pascal's Wager
Contemplate Creation
Compare prayer to a lucky horseshoe
Look at who speaks for God
Ask Jesus to appear

This made me so sad... and I feel like as a Christian I should have responses to these questions and even to these "proofs" that God is imaginary... but I don't... I can't feel God, I don't hear Him speaking, but I do know He is there... I just don't know how to communicate that with other people.

but ya know... all that comes to mind with these questions is a song that is my heart to God:

I can't feel You like others around me

I don't feel like kneeling or closing my eyes

Is there something wrong with my heart that I can't see?

Or do You feel love still when nobody cries?

'Cause I know in my heart how bad my I want to touch You

You must sense this love my soul barely contains

No lack of desire in this desert to worship

I keep singing skyward it just never rains

So I'll praise You if I never feel You

And I'll love You cause I know You're there

and if You should choose so I'm sure one day I'll feel it

But feeling good's never the reason I cared

Father, I praise You because You are

Jesus, I love You because You are

Spirit, I worship You because You are

And if no one can see that Your love's moving me

I worship You still and forever will

Because You are

I thought...

2007-10-12T09:56:00.000-07:00

People forget that I'm still the same shy me I used to be... I may be a little louder, a little bolder, and more outgoing... but deep inside I'm still shy and introverted. It takes a lot to make myself talk to people and to force myself out of my comfort zone.

People don't realize I still get hurt very easily by words and actions. I am easily hurt... I really can't help it. I try to not let things get to me, but I'm sensitive and there is not much I can do about it.

I thought I could trust this person with everything in my life, but every time that happens I get hurt. I don't think it's purposeful, at least I would hope not, but it stings... no, it cuts. She is one of the greatest people in my life, yet the tears I cry wouldn't show that. Maybe I'm too sensitive, but all I know is I'm hurt. I thought I finally had someone I could trust to talk to about my spiritual life... someone who enjoyed investing in me, but I guess I was wrong. I guess I'm just the same annoying me.

I wish I could let this person know, the only reason I'm so timid around her is because I look up to her more than anyone I've ever looked up to in my life. She is the sister I've never had, my spiritual role model... someone I hope I can be like. I model my faith after hers and I love her dearly... which is why her words and actions cut even deeper than anyone elses...

Maybe I just need to get over myself and this... it just hurts.
But I should be used to it...
If theres one thing I've learned in life it's that no one stays around for too long.

Blah blah blah...

2007-10-10T21:08:00.000-07:00

I'm definitely procrastinating right now. I'm super tired and really want to go to bed, so you think it would inspire me to power through my homework but no I decide to blog instead... yup, I'm definitely a senior people! Speaking of which, I am soooo not ready to graduate... I mean yes I'm ready because I want to be done with school and have my degree, but I AM SCARED!!!
What do you do when you graduate college? Seriously... I mean I could get my masters, but I need at least a year for my head to stop spinning...
So, do I stick here in Santa Cruz? I really want to because I have fallen in love with this place, the people, and especially CLC... it's the first church I've ever wanted to call my home church.
BUT say I stay in Santa Cruz... how long am I going to be here? what is my ultimate goal in life? I HAVE NO CLUE!!! It's scary... seriously... SCARY! :)
All I really want is to have a family, a little stability... but no... here I go out in to the world by myself... no clue which direction I'm going... Just me and God (of course)... this should be an interesting next year...

I'm following Him blindly into the night... hmmmm....

I don't understand...

2007-10-06T18:23:00.000-07:00

why my heart is still so heavy when I'm giving it to God everyday...

why I always feel like He is an arms length away...

I want to draw close to Him... and I'm trying to give Him all I have... but I still feel like He's so far away, like I'm missing something...

Is it possible that I just can't connect to God the way others do? Am I incapable of going deeper than this? Am I never going to get back to that place of burning desire again? Has my heart changed that much? Have I let that much build up between us?

I know I've grown so much over the past months, weeks, and days... but I want more... I want to feel You God... I want to know You are there... I want to see You... I want You to be proud. I want to know I'm doing the right thing... I want to know Your love and feel Your approval.
Are You proud of me?
Do You love me?

Show me Your desires, let them be real to me. Transform me. Give me vision for my life.

I love You.

My everything...

2007-10-05T14:28:00.000-07:00

Awhile ago a really good friend of mine, Rachel, asked me if God was my everything... my immediate response was yes, I love God with all my heart! But really, is He my EVERYTHING... that's tuff.

I didn't fully grasp what this meant til Rachel spoke to the youth group after a time of prayer and asked, "If everything you know to be real and true in this world were stripped away right now and you were standing alone before God could you honestly say none of that stuff mattered because He is and was your EVERYTHING? Is He all you live for? Is He your all?"

This means if I took away my family, friends, sports, computer, cell phone, TV, Friends, pets, clothes... everything I know and love... I'd still be ok because God is my everything... honestly to that standard He's not my everything yet... it's getting closer everyday and His joy is overflowing in me right now... but He still isn't my everything. And those words that Rachel said a few weeks ago are still burning in my heart and mind daily.

I want God to be my all to be my everything. I want Him to be the reason I live, move and breathe... I want Him to pour out of me. This last week has been amazing and God has revealed sooo much to me... and He couldn't possible give me more unexplainable joy... but I still long for more.

I want to get closer to Him. I want to burn with passion for Him. I want Him to consume me. I haven't stopped thinking about Him for a few days now, but I don't want that to end. I want Him to be my everything and to have my everything. I want this change to be a dramatic life change. I want to follow Him with everything I have within me... to worship Him unashamed, to serve Him with passion, to seek Him without ceasing.

I want Him to really be my everything, to be the love of my life. That is my prayer, that I would fall so madly in love with God that I can't contain it, that His love would burst from inside me, that everything I do and say would reflect Him, that I would be a fire for him. I want my heart to be hot, not just cold or lukewarm or even just warm... I want to be on fire... I want to be unashamed... to love Him with everything I have in me. To follow Him with blind trust and a passion that can't be controlled.

He is my only desire

Take my heart God. Renew it everyday. Let it beat for You.
You are my desire. My love. I lay my life before You and I'm NEVER getting up.

Is it possible to fall in love with the wrong person?

2007-09-17T18:21:00.000-07:00

I never thought it was... but apparently it is possible to love the wrong person. I fell in love with the most amazing man, perfect for me in every way, no one could ever be better, my best friend... yet our passions are leading us in two different directions in our lives. We were planning on getting married... he even had the ring... yet, when I prayed about it I knew what I had to do. The hardest thing I've ever done. But I had to choose God over the man that I love over the only person I have ever wanted to and can ever see myself spending the rest of my life with. I love him so much... with all my heart... But I know it's not right. And staying together would make us compromise where God has called us... I have a heart for the world and I want to serve God on the missions field, he doesn't... he has a heart for youth ministry...

Y... I don't understand... I just don't understand why God would bring this perfect man into my life and let me fall in love with him just to take him away.
I never knew that I could fall in love with the wrong person.

Growing Spiritually?!?

2007-08-23T20:21:00.000-07:00

What does growing spiritually really mean?
I've been trying to figure out where I am with God, where I should be, and how far I've came...

This is my journal entry from January...

Is God real... if so where is He right now? Where is He now that I need Him the most? Why dis He leave me in my pain and suffering? Why is He doing this to me... is He punishing me? Is there any hope left? Where is this loving savior I've heard about my whole life? Where is He? Why isn't He helping me? Why isn't He with me? Why won't He speak to me? Why doesn't He hear me... Why doesn't He care? Is He even real? Or do we just create this "God" in order to fulfill our questions and emptiness as part of the human wondering... How do I know He is true and real... And if He is real why isn't He helping me? Why isn't He comforting me? I'm tired of this struggle... I just want to quit... to be done with it... I really don't think there is a God.

I know I've grown since this entry... I knew there was a God then and I definately know it now more than ever... but sometimes I still have these same questions run through my head... like why isn't He listening? does He care? And it makes me wonder... what is spiritual growth... and will I ever not have these questions. I love God with all my heart and I want nothing more than to honor Him in everything I do. And I've began to think that spiritual growth comes in the form of gaining faith, and as the Bible says faith comes from reading the word, and reading the word helps us to learn more about God and to fall more in love with Him. And each of my struggles and experiences in life, good or bad, have only taught me more about God... And while life is a roller coaster, and I fail God continuously, I know everyday my faith is only growing stronger. I know the questions will never stop.... but the questions are what cause me to keep seeking God.

Larissa Inspired Me!

2007-08-15T20:44:00.000-07:00

Yup... she inspired me to become a blogger... I figured y not get one more distraction for my senior year of college... what the heck...

♥♥ Crazy Dreamer ♥♥

Walk for Life - WCPC Walk

The cry of my heart to You oh Lord...

Good vs. Bad...

Me, me, mE, ME, M-E

Thank you Jesus!

So...

2010

All is well...

GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME!

Well... here's to a Spirit-driven life :)

Free to be ME

L*I*F*Eve

On my own...

First few flakes...

Running Stinks!

My Psalm 2

It's been soooo long!!!

Just enough...

so...

2 days...

My CrAzY Life

Outta the US

Light

Going to El Salvador

I love...

El Salvador Update...

THE question

Obedience...

My RanDoMneSS

AMAZED...

I wish...

I'm a proud auntie!!!

I can't decide...

El Salvador!

Thursday

Resolutions...

I am Israel

For Bobby :)

You know your house is cold when...

Hey everybody!

I want MORE!!!

Excitement!

Simple Church???

You know what's crazy...

Strike the water!

I can't believe it...

My youth group is AMAZING!

Unhealthy???

I HATE finals!

I just want to GO

Youth Convention

Everyday...

Photos from the past year...

Today...

What I'm Thankful for...

man...

The Bible...

FINALLY!!!!

UGH

confession...

Whats on my mind...

Release

Ugh...

Dancin in the rain...

How do you respond to this...

I thought...

Blah blah blah...

I don't understand...

My everything...

Is it possible to fall in love with the wrong person?

Growing Spiritually?!?

Larissa Inspired Me!

LIF*Eve